Dear God...Please?

I can remember when I was a child, I thought that having a baby was easy. I thought all you had to do was pray and that one day you would wake up pregnant! Haha I wish it was that simple. I can remember being in church and our pastor asking us to "Pray for the 'so-and-so's' as they have decided to have another child." Then, it would seem like Poof! she was pregnant. 

Oh the simplicity of a child's faith.

Now, the real truth. Having a baby is HARD. I never could have imagined how hard it would be. I see women every day walking around with a little basketball sized bulge protruding from their abdomen. Like, it's no big deal. Then, I hear people gripe about being pregnant. That's when I have to bite my tongue. Inside, I'm screaming, "YOU STUPID $%$#@!!!"

My faith has been tested over and over again. Sometimes, ok, a lot of times, I don't have a very good attitude about it. I try not to, but it doesn't work out very well for me most of the time. It ANGERS me to see other people who don't even take care of the kids they have getting to have another one. I don't understand it. At ALL.  Everyone keeps telling me, your time will come. Well, guess what folks...that doesn't help. "You just need to relax" yeah, ok.

So, we decided to start consulting with a fertility specialist, who also happens to be my obgyn. Dr David Doerrfeld. He is great. We started fertility treatment back in June. We went through 4 months of Clomid...starting with 50 mg and going up to the max dose of 200 mg. Nothing. Each month, I would go in to get I my blood drawn and each month, they would call to tell me that the tests were negative for ovulation. Well, as you know, if you're not ovulating, you're not getting pregnant. I had a hysterosalpingogram done on October 5. That was torture. But, my tubes were completely clear. Then, on November 15, I had an ultrasound for a follicle study. That is when they found a cyst the size of a grapefruit on my right ovary as well as another fairly large one on my left ovary.

Devastated. That is the only word I can use to describe the feeling I have at this point. Now, they have stopped the fertility medication and put me on BIRTH CONTROL. I can't believe I'm taking birth control. I feel like I'm going completely backwards.  I have an appointment on December 8 to "come up with a game plan" as Dr D said.  They only want me to take the bc for  weeks to try to suppress the cyst without surgery.  Surgery could be damaging to my ovaries. We don't want that.  

It would be different if I had never been pregnant before. I wouldn't feel so frustrated. But, knowing that I CAN get pregant...and that Jake CAN get me that way...is the thorn in our side every month when the results are not good.  But, I have been pregnant. We found out we were pregnant in July 2010. I was on birth control at that time.  We lost the baby almost as quick as we found out about it. We were both grief stricken...and to be honest, we still are. I wonder what he or she would have looked like. I wonder what it would have felt like to hold him or her in my arms. 

So, now we wait some more. Wait for the doctor to come up with a plan. Wait for the time that everyone keeps telling us will come. Wait for God to bless us with our own little miracle...

**We have an appointment on January 16 in Dallas at the Sher Institute. This is only if we can't get the results we're looking for in December from Dr.Doerrfeld.  I'm tired...and if IVF is what we have to do, then I'm ready to do it.***