Throughout this journey, adoption has never really been something that we have considered. Not that it's not a good idea. Just not something that our hearts were compelled toward.
I will admit that there was a time that I asked Jake, "What if we are never able to get pregnant? Are you willing to adopt?" His answer was a firm "No." I asked him to explain why and he did. In order to respect his privacy, I will just say that I understood his reasoning...but prayed for God to soften his heart when and if the time was right.
On Monday, after I posted "Still Waiting" I got a few messages from different people asking me if we had considered adoption, or more-so encouraging us to consider it. I, of course, in protection of Jake's wishes, shut it down graciously.
Tuesday morning, I got a call that I never expected to get. Due to the legality of the matter, I won't be able to give a ton of information on this, but I will share what I can. The call was regarding a family with 6 children that needed placement. The children ranged from 7 months to 7 years. Their living conditions were unacceptable and Child Protective Services was involved. We were told the parents had until today (Thursday) to voluntarily place the children, or the state would be placing them.
Oh, Lord, what are You doing? Is this the answer to my "Why?" Is this the way you're going to give us our miracle?
ALL of these thoughts rushed through my head as tears ran down my face wondering what in the world we were going to do and if Jake would even be willing. I called him and he said he needed to think about it. I started praying. I prayed that God would make it so obvious to us if this is what we are supposed to do that we would not be able to shake it. I prayed for His peace if it wasn't in His will. I called back and asked more questions. Were the children going to be placed for adoption? Was this temporary or what? I knew in my heart that I am not made to be a foster parent. I had a very close family friend growing up that was a foster parent. She and her husband had two different children placed with them and two different times. And both were supposed to stay...and then didn't. I can remember seeing her cry. You know that ugly cry that is heart-wrenching to anyone and incapable of being comforted. That has stayed with me my whole life. I remember how much it hurt ME when those little ones were taken back. I VOWED to never allow myself to experience that kind of pain. So, that was important for me to know.
I prayed to God, "Lord, Please don't let me bring these children home if they won't be mine. I can't give them back. Please slam the door shut if they will have to leave because you know my heart is too tender for that."
We made an appointment to go and meet the children. Oh my stars, it was life-changing. I can promise you that if I could, I would have loaded up all 6 of those kids and brought them home with me. But, that's just not feasible for us. I couldn't get a good feeling while we were out there and I could tell Jake couldn't either so we chose to go home and pray for the kids to be placed where they needed to be. But, we just didn't feel like it was what we were supposed to do.
Well, all night I couldn't shake it. I just kept crying thinking about those kids and that I just knew they thought we didn't want them. I cried and prayed and talked to Jake. I dreamed about them. I couldn't shake it. So, I woke Jake up and told him that God just wasn't letting me let this go. He told me to go get two of the little girls. The 4 year old and the 7 month old.
I called and told them what we were willing to do...and even then I was still thinking about taking the oldest one as well. I rushed to go get car seats and started calling around trying to find a baby bed and a twin size bed. I was laughing and crying at the same time because I was scared to death but I knew that God would hear my cry. I knew that if He was letting this happen, they were going to be ours. He is the keeper of our hearts and I KNOW He will protect them when we ask Him to.
I was literally pulling into park to get the car seats when I got another call.
The state won't allow the children to be separated.
One would think that I would have lost it at that point. But, I just took a deep breath and said, "OK" I prayed and thanked God for keeping us safe. I prayed and asked Him to protect the children and place them where He wants them.
Now, the whole reason I'm sharing this story is not for pity for me and Jake or even for the children involved. Although, I will ask you to pray your socks off for these kids because they need TONS of love. I don't think they will ever go back to their parents but I don't know that for certain. I just want them to be safe and loved the way they deserve to be. They are so precious. And they have changed me forever and have no idea. The reason I am sharing this is because, if for no other reason, this whole experience has changed my heart and my husband's heart. We are still going to fight with all we have to be able to bring a child into this world. But, the Lord said we are to love the least of these...and that's what we want to do.
I am working on giving this completely and totally to Him. That is HARD. I want to just hold on to a little bit so I'm in control of it. The funny thing is, I'm not in control of this AT ALL. So, please pray for me to be able to let Him take the wheel. I know that then and only then will I be able to be at peace with this. So thankful for a prayerful, God-fearing "little" brother who loves me enough to remind me of this. :)
<3 Lori
No comments:
Post a Comment