We had an appointment last Monday at a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have a few friends that have used this particular doctor so I wanted to at least consult with him and see if he had a different take on our situation. He usually has a 6-8 month wait to get in with him so I have had this appointment for a while.
A couple of weeks ago I had another negative test. Another one that I took and placed on the counter and went to the bedroom and begged God to make both lines appear on. Another one that had only one line. It wasn't any different than the thousand others I've taken. But a dam broke in me that day and I cried. I screamed...I yelled...I cried that horrid ugly cry that nobody wants anyone to see. EVER. I told God I was mad at Him. I told my husband to leave me because I can't even give him a child and he deserves children. It's all my fault...not his. I gave up. I told him that God wasn't listening to me and that the only thing I've ever begged him for is the ONE thing He won't give me. I threw my hands up and said to everyone I know, " I.AM.DONE." And I meant it.
Evidently my Heavenly Father (so thankful that he allows me to be raw and real with Him and forgives me for it) got a kick out of that. The next morning the clinic where I've been waiting to get in called me and had an opening for the following Monday. OK God. I'll shut up now. ;)
The night before the appointment I was a nervous wreck. I felt totally unprepared. I was so anxious. As I was scrolling through facebook trying to get my mind off of it, I came across a post that had the Bible verse, Phillipians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Ironically one of my facebook friends...a girl I went to school with in Hallsville..had shared that verse with me on my meltdown status as well. I know God sent me those words. And I soaked them in as much as I could. When Jake and I were getting ready to pray before bed, I told him that I didn't want him to pray for a miracle (which is what we pray for every single night). I just wanted him to pray for peace. I wanted him to pray that when we left the appointment we would know if this was the doctor for us and if it was, that God would guide his hands and give him the knowledge to know what will work for us. And what steps God wants us to take. So, he did. I was convinced that we were going to have to do IVF. I just knew that was our only remaining option. I figured when he saw my records and all of my test results, he would tell me that we have to do IVF and that's it.
Praise GOD I was wrong.
I'm not going to go into all of the details of what is going to be taking place over the next few months but I will say that we left that appointment with complete peace. We KNOW this is where God wants us to be and we feel completely confident that this doctor's plan is going to work. I will share as we are ready. I just ask you all to please please pray that this will work and that we won't have to wait much longer. If you are going through your day and either of us pop in your head, please just say a quick prayer for us. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers and just need them to keep coming. God knows our hearts. And we know that He hears every one.
Praying for Baby McAdams to arrive in 2014 :)
I recently heard that this song was written by Pink after suffering a miscarriage. Most of you know Jake and I went through that in July 2010. Anyway, listen to the words. So sweet. Dare you not to cry! ;)
Lori
