One year? Really?

It is so hard to believe that it has been a year since I became Mrs. McAdams. What a wonderful year it has been! But, it went by SO fast!  We had a great time celebrating our day together...but I'll get to that a little later.

We went to Midland on December 2 and returned home on December 5. We had a wonderful time. We went to the Christmas Parade. We had Christmas lunch and exchanged gifts with Dustin, Courtney and Leighton. Then, on Sunday, we went to Leighton's first "Santa Show Off" dance recital. It was so cute!

The night before we left, it began to snow. Oh my it was BEAUTIFUL! We sat up and watched it until nearly 1 in the morning. It was too beautiful not to enjoy! I've never seen such big snowflakes. It was like a Winter wonderland!

But, just like all good things, it came to an end about halfway through our trip home on Monday. It was nerve-wracking to drive in (especially with my husband driving) but I really loved the quiet peace that came along with the snow covered rooftops and sidewalks.

My sister rode back with my mom. She and the boys got their car from the airport in Dallas and then they were on their way back to Longview. It was a fun filled trip, but as always, it is good to be home.  

I was hoping that my next post on this blog would be announcing a baby on the way. I've had lots of pregnancy symptoms...and I went to see Dr Doerrfeld on Thursday and he even thought it looked like I may be pregnant. He sent me for a serum test to verify. The first one came back inconclusive. The next one was negative. I was (am) devastated. I've cried, screamed punched the wall, cried some more, then finally got on my knees and prayed.  I don't understand why all of these things are happening with my body and yet the test is still negative. I mean, my temperature chart is indicative of pregnancy. My period is late, I've been abnormally tired. I have had random bouts of nausea, I'm SUPER emotional, My nose burns with smells that normally don't bother me. (Scrambled eggs=BARF!!!) I have dark blue veins all over my chest that are not normally there. My breasts feel extremely heavy. UGH! I just don't understand. 

Insert God's laughter at me trying to understand His Will. 

So, we are heading to Dallas tomorrow. I'm not waiting until January. I'm going to have surgery either January 17 or January 31 to have the cyst removed. At that point, we will be able to hopefully make some progress.  Otherwise, we will have already begun the IVF journey and will hopefully be able to begin our first cycle if not in February, by March for sure.  I AM TIRED OF MY HEART BEING BROKEN. Therefore, instead of sitting around waiting on it to happen, we are going to do everything in our power to MAKE IT HAPPEN.  

Now, back to our Anniversary:

We had planned on going out for sushi on Sunday night. Well, of course, our favorite sushi restaurant is closed on Sunday, so we opted for a nice, quiet dinner at home. Jake went and bought groceries (I made the list.)  While he was out, he picked up a cake from Baskin Robbins It is pictured below, alongside our top layer from our Wedding Cake. My mom had it in her freezer, but it wasn't packaged well...so it was ruined. I was pretty sad about that...so he tried to make up for it with his "back-up" cake. It made me smile. He always makes me smile :)

Our dinner was bacon wrapped cheesy chicken. It was divine! We also had baked potatoes.  We had sherbet punch in our wedding toasting glassed. It was yummy! 

I can honestly sit here and say that my life is beautiful. I love this man I am married too more and more every day. He is my love, my closest, truest friend, and my soul's companion. I am so very thankful to God for bringing this beautiful person into my life and into my heart. He had a plan all along. I remember crying myself to sleep and thinking I would never find a man who would love me the way Jacob does. And, then, when I finally stopped looking, there he was.  This is what gives me hope about having a child. God always shows up when we least expect Him to. So, I'm going to continue to be proactive in our journey to parenthood. But I'm choosing to not be angry anymore. I'm choosing to count my blessings, rather than my shortcomings. I'm choosing to be full of joy instead of resentment. I'm choosing love...because after all those years of despair, He chose me!

Baby it's Cold Outside!

With the heat we endured this summer, I wondered if we would actually have a winter this year. Well guess what folks! It's here! I have been in sweats and my favorite fuzzy socks all weekend and I'm loving it!  Yesterday was my mom's birthday. We celebrated with her on Saturday night :) It was the first time all three of us were here together with her for her birthday in a long time. She was, naturally, weepy. But, I don't blame her. I have found myself being extra emotional lately. Partly to do with the holidays...and of course the hormones that I have raging don't help lol!

Our Christmas tree is up. It is absolutely beautiful! We actually put it up last weekend because Jake was supposed to be heading to Oklahoma for work the day after Thanksgiving. But, that has been pushed back (thank you Jesus!) So, now we are preparing for our trip to Midland in few days. My brother and his family plus one...they took Carlisle...left this morning. It has been wonderful getting to spend so much time with them lately!  I'm already missing them. When they came by this morning, Carlisle threw a fit because he thought he was getting out to stay with me. He tried to unbuckle his car seat and started reaching for me and crying. Talk about making someone weepy! I just had to kiss him and walk away. He will be fine...he's just really close to me and he's too young to understand what's going on.  He spent the day with Jake & me yesterday. He LOVED the tree. I, of course, had to watch him like a hawk because he wanted to touch it :) That little boy is a ball of fire...and I adore every bit of his little bad self!

I have so many beautiful wonderful people in my life! It has been 2 years now since my life changed forever. Our first wedding anniversary is coming up in a little less than 2 weeks. WOW! It's hard to believe it's already been a year! But, then again, it seems like we've been married forever :) Not in a bad way at all. I can honestly say this has definitely been the best year of my life! My husband is so loving and giving to me. He truly cherishes me and shows me that every single day.

Sleep...sleep...and more sleep

I'll start off by saying this: I'm too old to stay out shopping all night with no nap to prepare me for it.  That being said, I had a BLAST with my crazy husband and my equally crazy sister-in-law on our Black Friday shopping escapade!

We all sat in the floor of my mother's living room passing around the sale ads and making our list. Courtney had the master list with all the store opening times and items we needed from each store. We borrowed my mom's Tahoe and headed to Wal-Mart (aka HELL) on Thursday night around 8:30.  When we got there, the parking lot was completely full. There were freaking RV's in the parking lot. I couldn't believe it. This was my first rodeo with the Black Friday madness. Boy, was I in for a wild ride!

We scoped out the items that would be released at 10pm and took our positions  throughout the store. Jake & I went one direction and Courtney and my sister Ashley went in another.  (This was Ashley's only store to embark upon, as she had to be at work the next morning.)  Jake & I were about 15-20 feet away from the pallets of XBOX Kinect games. Now, mind you, these games normally go for in excess of $50 and were on sale for $15. Great deal! But, SO not worth the crowd that was around it.  I would say there were 200 people bunched up around these two pallets easily.

When 10pm came, the madness erupted.  People were climbing over each other screaming and yelling. There were fights, things getting torn to shreds...and girl even got her ankle broke. Now, call me crazy, but this girl right here things that's just plain stupid. There's not a game around that is worth all that nonsense. As soon as they started, it was like a riot. I got the heck outta dodge with a quickness.

The next sale release items were not due out until midnight, but we got them early and got out of that store and headed off to our next destination...Target.  Oh my gosh.   There were 5000 people in line at Target.  Seriously?! I was in shock. So, we decided to go down to Kohl's. Same thing there. So, we sat in the parking lot until the door opened and then we went to the back the line (where the nice lady so skillfully pointed to as we were on our way to it. "The line's back there!" she was screaming. Ugh...get a life!)  We finished Kohl's and then went to Target. Waited in line to check out there for close to an hour...then it was off to the mall to wait for their opening.  That was when I got sleepy. As long as I was moving, I was fine. But, when I got still, it was bad.

3am we were in JCPenney's, then down to wait for the other 2 stores to open at 4. Finished those fairly quickly then headed off to wait for Academy to open at 5. Academy went fairly smooth...then completely loaded plus a trampoline for our cousin Darcy, we headed to our final destination. Big Lots...opening at  6 am.  Another fight ensued...two actually...and they both involved the same skinny white girl.

Some people should never leave their house.

Anyway, now my house is full of Disney Princesses that Santa will be taking to Leighton's house on Christmas Eve.  I had a wonderful time laughing with Courtney...mostly at Jake...lol!  However, I have slept almost nonstop since then. That is why I know I am too old.  Next year I will A-not go to WalMart and B-take a nap.

Now, I've got to get to bed...again ;)

Anticipation

I have so many things to look forward to right now. Thanksgiving tomorrow with our families, our trip to Midland next Friday, Christmas party at mom's, Christmas day with my husband, New Year's festivities, our CRUISE to COZUMEL on January 7 ;) But the ONLY thing I am counting down to in my head is our appointment in Dallas on January 16. We have exactly 54 days. I am SO ready. Of course, it would be GREAT if I was able to call and cancel because we get pregnant before then. But, I don't really see that happening unless I get pregnant like today or tomorrow since I'm on bc. As of right now, it hasn't had time to get in my system well enough to be making any changes really...but it won't be long.  And, I don't see myself getting pregnant today or tomorrow because Jake is out of town lol! 

Anyway, Thanksgiving is the time of year that we are all supposed to talk about what all we are thankful for, right? Well, I am thankful for many things. I am thankful for my Jesus who died on the cross to cover my sins (like my bad attitude).  I am thankful for a forgiving God that never left my side during years of rebellion and stupidity. Not only did He never leave, but He gave me a BEAUTIFUL life that I am thankful for EVERY DAY.  It was the day after Thanksgiving 2 years ago when I met the man who is now my husband. It was definitely meant to be because of the circumstances that brought us to the place we met.  I love this man more than I could ever express. He is my happily ever after. 

I am also thankful for my precious family. Every single crazy member. This is our first Christmas with our Treadwell cousins. They are so special to me...to all of us.  My mom, she's fantastic. Yeah, she gets on my nerves sometimes...but I got on her nerves for a long time, so it's ok ;) My daddy...I love him so much.  It's funny how I don't remember them ever having a lick of sense until I got to be about 28...lol!  My twins...oh how I would have missed out on so much joy had they never been born! They and their little families make my heart sparkle on a daily basis.  Khaunor, Leighton and Carlisle...those kids are the most precious little people in my life.  




I could go on and on about all the things I'm thankful for, but really and truly the one thing that matters the most is that I have air in my lungs to be able to speak those things.  


Happy Thanksgiving from the McAdams family to yours!


Oh, and P.S. I'm thankful for the baby that I know God is going to give us soon ;)




                                                                      


               Coming soon!!!

          Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Dear God...Please?

I can remember when I was a child, I thought that having a baby was easy. I thought all you had to do was pray and that one day you would wake up pregnant! Haha I wish it was that simple. I can remember being in church and our pastor asking us to "Pray for the 'so-and-so's' as they have decided to have another child." Then, it would seem like Poof! she was pregnant. 

Oh the simplicity of a child's faith.

Now, the real truth. Having a baby is HARD. I never could have imagined how hard it would be. I see women every day walking around with a little basketball sized bulge protruding from their abdomen. Like, it's no big deal. Then, I hear people gripe about being pregnant. That's when I have to bite my tongue. Inside, I'm screaming, "YOU STUPID $%$#@!!!"

My faith has been tested over and over again. Sometimes, ok, a lot of times, I don't have a very good attitude about it. I try not to, but it doesn't work out very well for me most of the time. It ANGERS me to see other people who don't even take care of the kids they have getting to have another one. I don't understand it. At ALL.  Everyone keeps telling me, your time will come. Well, guess what folks...that doesn't help. "You just need to relax" yeah, ok.

So, we decided to start consulting with a fertility specialist, who also happens to be my obgyn. Dr David Doerrfeld. He is great. We started fertility treatment back in June. We went through 4 months of Clomid...starting with 50 mg and going up to the max dose of 200 mg. Nothing. Each month, I would go in to get I my blood drawn and each month, they would call to tell me that the tests were negative for ovulation. Well, as you know, if you're not ovulating, you're not getting pregnant. I had a hysterosalpingogram done on October 5. That was torture. But, my tubes were completely clear. Then, on November 15, I had an ultrasound for a follicle study. That is when they found a cyst the size of a grapefruit on my right ovary as well as another fairly large one on my left ovary.

Devastated. That is the only word I can use to describe the feeling I have at this point. Now, they have stopped the fertility medication and put me on BIRTH CONTROL. I can't believe I'm taking birth control. I feel like I'm going completely backwards.  I have an appointment on December 8 to "come up with a game plan" as Dr D said.  They only want me to take the bc for  weeks to try to suppress the cyst without surgery.  Surgery could be damaging to my ovaries. We don't want that.  

It would be different if I had never been pregnant before. I wouldn't feel so frustrated. But, knowing that I CAN get pregant...and that Jake CAN get me that way...is the thorn in our side every month when the results are not good.  But, I have been pregnant. We found out we were pregnant in July 2010. I was on birth control at that time.  We lost the baby almost as quick as we found out about it. We were both grief stricken...and to be honest, we still are. I wonder what he or she would have looked like. I wonder what it would have felt like to hold him or her in my arms. 

So, now we wait some more. Wait for the doctor to come up with a plan. Wait for the time that everyone keeps telling us will come. Wait for God to bless us with our own little miracle...

**We have an appointment on January 16 in Dallas at the Sher Institute. This is only if we can't get the results we're looking for in December from Dr.Doerrfeld.  I'm tired...and if IVF is what we have to do, then I'm ready to do it.***