Throughout this journey, adoption has never really been something that we have considered. Not that it's not a good idea. Just not something that our hearts were compelled toward.
I will admit that there was a time that I asked Jake, "What if we are never able to get pregnant? Are you willing to adopt?" His answer was a firm "No." I asked him to explain why and he did. In order to respect his privacy, I will just say that I understood his reasoning...but prayed for God to soften his heart when and if the time was right.
On Monday, after I posted "Still Waiting" I got a few messages from different people asking me if we had considered adoption, or more-so encouraging us to consider it. I, of course, in protection of Jake's wishes, shut it down graciously.
Tuesday morning, I got a call that I never expected to get. Due to the legality of the matter, I won't be able to give a ton of information on this, but I will share what I can. The call was regarding a family with 6 children that needed placement. The children ranged from 7 months to 7 years. Their living conditions were unacceptable and Child Protective Services was involved. We were told the parents had until today (Thursday) to voluntarily place the children, or the state would be placing them.
Oh, Lord, what are You doing? Is this the answer to my "Why?" Is this the way you're going to give us our miracle?
ALL of these thoughts rushed through my head as tears ran down my face wondering what in the world we were going to do and if Jake would even be willing. I called him and he said he needed to think about it. I started praying. I prayed that God would make it so obvious to us if this is what we are supposed to do that we would not be able to shake it. I prayed for His peace if it wasn't in His will. I called back and asked more questions. Were the children going to be placed for adoption? Was this temporary or what? I knew in my heart that I am not made to be a foster parent. I had a very close family friend growing up that was a foster parent. She and her husband had two different children placed with them and two different times. And both were supposed to stay...and then didn't. I can remember seeing her cry. You know that ugly cry that is heart-wrenching to anyone and incapable of being comforted. That has stayed with me my whole life. I remember how much it hurt ME when those little ones were taken back. I VOWED to never allow myself to experience that kind of pain. So, that was important for me to know.
I prayed to God, "Lord, Please don't let me bring these children home if they won't be mine. I can't give them back. Please slam the door shut if they will have to leave because you know my heart is too tender for that."
We made an appointment to go and meet the children. Oh my stars, it was life-changing. I can promise you that if I could, I would have loaded up all 6 of those kids and brought them home with me. But, that's just not feasible for us. I couldn't get a good feeling while we were out there and I could tell Jake couldn't either so we chose to go home and pray for the kids to be placed where they needed to be. But, we just didn't feel like it was what we were supposed to do.
Well, all night I couldn't shake it. I just kept crying thinking about those kids and that I just knew they thought we didn't want them. I cried and prayed and talked to Jake. I dreamed about them. I couldn't shake it. So, I woke Jake up and told him that God just wasn't letting me let this go. He told me to go get two of the little girls. The 4 year old and the 7 month old.
I called and told them what we were willing to do...and even then I was still thinking about taking the oldest one as well. I rushed to go get car seats and started calling around trying to find a baby bed and a twin size bed. I was laughing and crying at the same time because I was scared to death but I knew that God would hear my cry. I knew that if He was letting this happen, they were going to be ours. He is the keeper of our hearts and I KNOW He will protect them when we ask Him to.
I was literally pulling into park to get the car seats when I got another call.
The state won't allow the children to be separated.
One would think that I would have lost it at that point. But, I just took a deep breath and said, "OK" I prayed and thanked God for keeping us safe. I prayed and asked Him to protect the children and place them where He wants them.
Now, the whole reason I'm sharing this story is not for pity for me and Jake or even for the children involved. Although, I will ask you to pray your socks off for these kids because they need TONS of love. I don't think they will ever go back to their parents but I don't know that for certain. I just want them to be safe and loved the way they deserve to be. They are so precious. And they have changed me forever and have no idea. The reason I am sharing this is because, if for no other reason, this whole experience has changed my heart and my husband's heart. We are still going to fight with all we have to be able to bring a child into this world. But, the Lord said we are to love the least of these...and that's what we want to do.
I am working on giving this completely and totally to Him. That is HARD. I want to just hold on to a little bit so I'm in control of it. The funny thing is, I'm not in control of this AT ALL. So, please pray for me to be able to let Him take the wheel. I know that then and only then will I be able to be at peace with this. So thankful for a prayerful, God-fearing "little" brother who loves me enough to remind me of this. :)
<3 Lori
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
Still waiting
I kept thinking that I would wait to post when I could make THE big announcement. You know, the "Woohoo we're pregnant" post. But, here we are 7 months since the last post and it still hasn't happened. So, I will catch you up on what has been going on thus far and it will probably be pretty emotional and raw because today, for me, is a really bad day. It started yesterday and I don't think I've gone longer than a couple of hours without crying since.
The surgery was definitely successful. We went for our post op appointment and everything was perfect! We were so excited. I started my medication and on day 14 of that cycle, we had an egg! That was the first time I had a confirmed ovulation throughout this entire journey. We did our first IUI and just KNEW it was successful. On January 27, I went for my HCG blood test and it was negative. I cried. A LOT. But, I just got myself together and said, "We are closer than we've ever been. This is not over. We will try again next month." I found myself comforting my friends who were sad for me. I found an inner strength (through Jesus) that I had never experienced before. So, we started over and in February, I had 3 eggs! I was SO excited. Everyone was! I feel like there are so many people going through this journey with us and that means so much to us both. We did another IUI, and it was negative. That was hard. I couldn't understand why out of 3 eggs one didn't take. But, once again, I put on a happy face and told everyone "Hey! It's okay! We are only getting better, not worse! It's gonna happen! Let's do this!" So, again in March, we started the medication and kept right on rolling. This time, we only got 1 egg. That's all it takes, though, right? So, I was hopefully optimistic, once again. And, once again, we did not get pregnant.
Now, I am one of the people who says, "We have 3 failed IUI's" We said we weren't going to do more than 3. We said if the 3rd didn't work we were going to move straight to IVF. That was our deal. We have to stick to the plan.
HA.
I went in (Jake was out of town working) for our IVF consultation and had a long talk with Dr. Vandermollen. He was very encouraging, as always. He told me that he just doesn't believe we are going to have to go to IVF. There's no reason (medically speaking) that I can't get pregnant and have a baby. None. So, he wanted us to do a cycle with injectible medication. Which, of course is EXTREMELY expensive. But, still, not as expensive as IVF. So, after going home and facetiming with Jake, we decided to do just that. We waited for my next cycle and when we went in to make sure we were clear to proceed, we were put on hold.
I had 3 cysts.
It was like a smack in the face. I swallowed the huge lump in throat and asked the dr what that meant. He said we would have to wait a month and then come back and see if they went away on their own. Great. So, I got to my car and cried. I called Jake and told him. He, of course because he is my rock, told me it's okay and just to take this chance to relax and breathe without working about cycle days and charting and everything else that consumes every single day of our life.
I went back in May just knowing everything would be clear. Not so. I had actually ovulated on my own, and those eggs had left behind tiny cysts in different places. So, the good news was the other cysts had disappeared and my body is working properly without meds. The bad news is, we have to go on birth control now for a month so that my ovaries will "rest" and the cysts will go away.
Birth control? WHAT?!?!?!? Yeah, I hate it. Seems like such a backwards leap. But, I know medically speaking it makes sense and that's what I'm paying this Dr for so, I did what he said.
Now, here we are in June. I thought we would for sure be good now. Jake and I went to the clinic and the nurse checked my right side and it was clear! I was relieved. Then, the left side...has a tiny cyst (16mm). They decided to do a blood count of my estrogen level. They were sure it would be fine and we could go ahead and proceed because that cyst was so small, surely it wasn't producing any hormones.
Wrong.
So, here I am another month of birth control. Another month of waiting to see if we can move forward. Another month of being reminded that I am quickly approaching 36 and all of my friends have kids that are in high school. I am running out of time. My husband doesn't deserve this. It's all my fault.
I know these are all super negative thoughts. But, I told you this would be pretty raw. I'm sad. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my dream.
I feel guilty for being sad. I feel like I need to suck it up because there are so many other people out there hurting so much. Their issues are so much bigger than mine. I feel selfish for crying. But, that doesn't dry my tears.
Hopefully when we go back in July, we will be able to move forward. This has been a long 4 years of trying. And, I'm just emotionally worn out. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I don't want to hear " Well, you're like a mother to so many children." I don't want to be LIKE a mother. I want to be A MOTHER. I want my husband to be a father. I want all the good and bad that comes with being a parent. I don't care how hard it is. I want it. All of it.
Lord, please hear my broken-hearted plea. You know my heart. And, it is my heart's desire to be a mom. I want to have a family that will honor and glorify you. Lord, I am not too proud to beg you. Please. Please give us our miracle. Please don't delay.
<3 Lori
The surgery was definitely successful. We went for our post op appointment and everything was perfect! We were so excited. I started my medication and on day 14 of that cycle, we had an egg! That was the first time I had a confirmed ovulation throughout this entire journey. We did our first IUI and just KNEW it was successful. On January 27, I went for my HCG blood test and it was negative. I cried. A LOT. But, I just got myself together and said, "We are closer than we've ever been. This is not over. We will try again next month." I found myself comforting my friends who were sad for me. I found an inner strength (through Jesus) that I had never experienced before. So, we started over and in February, I had 3 eggs! I was SO excited. Everyone was! I feel like there are so many people going through this journey with us and that means so much to us both. We did another IUI, and it was negative. That was hard. I couldn't understand why out of 3 eggs one didn't take. But, once again, I put on a happy face and told everyone "Hey! It's okay! We are only getting better, not worse! It's gonna happen! Let's do this!" So, again in March, we started the medication and kept right on rolling. This time, we only got 1 egg. That's all it takes, though, right? So, I was hopefully optimistic, once again. And, once again, we did not get pregnant.
Now, I am one of the people who says, "We have 3 failed IUI's" We said we weren't going to do more than 3. We said if the 3rd didn't work we were going to move straight to IVF. That was our deal. We have to stick to the plan.
HA.
I went in (Jake was out of town working) for our IVF consultation and had a long talk with Dr. Vandermollen. He was very encouraging, as always. He told me that he just doesn't believe we are going to have to go to IVF. There's no reason (medically speaking) that I can't get pregnant and have a baby. None. So, he wanted us to do a cycle with injectible medication. Which, of course is EXTREMELY expensive. But, still, not as expensive as IVF. So, after going home and facetiming with Jake, we decided to do just that. We waited for my next cycle and when we went in to make sure we were clear to proceed, we were put on hold.
I had 3 cysts.
It was like a smack in the face. I swallowed the huge lump in throat and asked the dr what that meant. He said we would have to wait a month and then come back and see if they went away on their own. Great. So, I got to my car and cried. I called Jake and told him. He, of course because he is my rock, told me it's okay and just to take this chance to relax and breathe without working about cycle days and charting and everything else that consumes every single day of our life.
I went back in May just knowing everything would be clear. Not so. I had actually ovulated on my own, and those eggs had left behind tiny cysts in different places. So, the good news was the other cysts had disappeared and my body is working properly without meds. The bad news is, we have to go on birth control now for a month so that my ovaries will "rest" and the cysts will go away.
Birth control? WHAT?!?!?!? Yeah, I hate it. Seems like such a backwards leap. But, I know medically speaking it makes sense and that's what I'm paying this Dr for so, I did what he said.
Now, here we are in June. I thought we would for sure be good now. Jake and I went to the clinic and the nurse checked my right side and it was clear! I was relieved. Then, the left side...has a tiny cyst (16mm). They decided to do a blood count of my estrogen level. They were sure it would be fine and we could go ahead and proceed because that cyst was so small, surely it wasn't producing any hormones.
Wrong.
So, here I am another month of birth control. Another month of waiting to see if we can move forward. Another month of being reminded that I am quickly approaching 36 and all of my friends have kids that are in high school. I am running out of time. My husband doesn't deserve this. It's all my fault.
I know these are all super negative thoughts. But, I told you this would be pretty raw. I'm sad. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my dream.
I feel guilty for being sad. I feel like I need to suck it up because there are so many other people out there hurting so much. Their issues are so much bigger than mine. I feel selfish for crying. But, that doesn't dry my tears.
Hopefully when we go back in July, we will be able to move forward. This has been a long 4 years of trying. And, I'm just emotionally worn out. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I don't want to hear " Well, you're like a mother to so many children." I don't want to be LIKE a mother. I want to be A MOTHER. I want my husband to be a father. I want all the good and bad that comes with being a parent. I don't care how hard it is. I want it. All of it.
Lord, please hear my broken-hearted plea. You know my heart. And, it is my heart's desire to be a mom. I want to have a family that will honor and glorify you. Lord, I am not too proud to beg you. Please. Please give us our miracle. Please don't delay.
<3 Lori
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