Be Still

I can't believe it's been so long since I've updated our blog. Then again, I'm surprised I have time to sit down and do it now lol! Things have been really crazy since my last post. First of all, Christmas. It was fantastically wonderful. Jake and I had our first real Christmas in our home with our gigantic Christmas tree.  We had fun with family and friends and ate lots of yummy food. But, we couldn't forget that this year should have been our sweet baby's first Christmas. We know that our baby (we like to think that she was a she;)) is in Heaven with Jesus and we will see her again someday. He is holding her in His arms while we cannot. If she would have been born, her name would have been Addison Grace. So, now it is time for what would have been her 1st birthday. It makes me so sad thinking of all the things we will never get to do with her. But, I know that God has a plan. I have to know that or I would lose my mind. Sometimes, although I know that, my flesh is so weak and I forget that and I get angry. Anger turns to hurt and then hurt turns to sadness. I'll explain.


In January, I had an in-office procedure called sclerotherapy. Sclerotherapy for ovarian endometriomas involves; needle aspiration of the liquid content of the endometriotic cyst, followed by the injection of 4-5% tetracycline into the cyst cavity. Treatment results in disappearance of the lesion within 6-8 weeks, in more than 75% of cases so treated. I had a cyst that was 11 cm in diameter. It was not ON my ovary, but it was next to it and my doctor seemed to think that it was THE problem. We fix this and we fix the problem and we will be making a baby.


Not so much.


I went back a week after the procedure for a follow up to see if the cyst had indeed dissolved. It had! We were so excited! So, my doctor prescribed Femara to me and told me to start testing on day 10 of my cycle and as soon and I got a positive for ovulation to call him.  I did...and it never happened. So, I called him and he told me to come in immediately. He did an ultrasound and I had NO follicles. Not one. My ovaries were not responding to the medication. So, he said we have to move to the injections. They are not covered by our insurance and are approximately $2000.00 per month. OH MY WORD. All I could think of was, this has to work quick or we're not going to be able to afford this. He gave me a prescription to "jump start" my cycle. It didn't work. I was really ready to pull my hair out. I called the office after 12 days of nothing and they asked me to come back for yet another ultrasound. 


Bad news. More cysts. 


So, he told me to go back on birth control for 1 month and let my ovaries "rest" and we'll start again.  Everything in me told me not to take those pills. I just couldn't make myself take the prescription to the pharmacy. Every time I thought about taking it the verse, "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10 kept coming to my mind. 


Woah. Am I pushing too hard? Am I trying to knock down a door that you don't want open, Lord? I don't want to do that. So, I emailed my doctor and told him I wanted him to test my AMH (ovarian reserve). He ordered the blood test and I nervously waited for it to come back. When it did, he called me. 


More bad news. 


A normal AMH count is between 2 and 7.  Mine is a 1.1. He tells me that critical level is 0.7. That's not far from where I am. I thought I would never stop crying. I felt like my world came crashing down around me. He told me that we need to do IVF fast and get as many eggs as we possibly can before they're gone.  Here's the problem with that. Our insurance has an infertility exclusion. NONE of the $13,500 that it costs for a single cycle plan would be covered. None.


So, now what? Do we exhaust all of our savings and then some and take this huge chance that is not guaranteed? Do we just give up? What about adoption? Those are just a few of the millions of questions that have been running through our heads. 


Then it hit me. Be still. Be STILL. BE STILL. "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." It doesn't matter if I have a million eggs or 1. If God wants me to have a baby, then it only takes 1.  I can't put my body or my heart through this any more. I am not giving up, but I'm giving it to Him. I know that He has a plan. I know that His plan is perfect. 


We have decided to keep trying on our own and if it doesn't happen, we will adopt. There are plenty of babies that need parents like us. So, when the time is right, if that is what He wants for us, then that is what we'll do!  


I decided that I wanted to get back on track with my weight loss and went back to Metabolic Research Center on Wednesday. We had started their program almost 2 years ago and I had to stop because I found out I was pregnant. So, they put it on hold for me and told me to come back when I was ready. Well, the lady didn't know that we miscarried and asked me how my baby was. I choked back tears and told her that I had lost her. She apologized and continued on with her customer that was ahead of me.  As I was about to start my consultation, the lady who had been ahead of me stepped into the room where I was. She said, "Before I leave, I'd like to say something to you if you don't mind." I smiled and said, "Ok?" She said, "I heard you say that you lost your baby. I, too, had a miscarriage. 4 actually. And I believe that every one of those babies are in Heaven. I had 3 girls afterward and my husband always said he thought those 4 were probably girls too. I've since lost my husband to cancer and I know that he is in Heaven playing with our little girls and waiting on the rest of us to get there. I just want you to know He will take care of you and I'm going to be praying for you!" I was just in tears. How precious was that!!! God spoke to me through that sweet lady. So, I think I'll listen ;)