Still waiting

I kept thinking that I would wait to post when I could make THE big announcement. You know, the "Woohoo we're pregnant" post. But, here we are 7 months since the last post and it still hasn't happened. So, I will catch you up on what has been going on thus far and it will probably be pretty emotional and raw because today, for me, is a really bad day. It started yesterday and I don't think I've gone longer than a couple of hours without crying since.

The surgery was definitely successful. We went for our post op appointment and everything was perfect! We were so excited. I started my medication and on day 14 of that cycle, we had an egg! That was the first time I had a confirmed ovulation throughout this entire journey. We did our first IUI and just KNEW it was successful. On January 27, I went for my HCG blood test and it was negative. I cried. A LOT. But, I just got myself together and said, "We are closer than we've ever been. This is not over. We will try again next month." I found myself comforting my friends who were sad for me. I found an inner strength (through Jesus) that I had never experienced before. So, we started over and in February, I had 3 eggs! I was SO excited. Everyone was! I feel like there are so many people going through this journey with us and that means so much to us both. We did another IUI, and it was negative. That was hard. I couldn't understand why out of 3 eggs one didn't take. But, once again, I put on a happy face and told everyone "Hey! It's okay! We are only getting better, not worse! It's gonna happen! Let's do this!" So, again in March, we started the medication and kept right on rolling. This time, we only got 1 egg. That's all it takes, though, right? So, I was hopefully optimistic, once again. And, once again, we did not get pregnant.

Now, I am one of the people who says, "We have 3 failed IUI's" We said we weren't going to do more than 3. We said if the 3rd didn't work we were going to move straight to IVF. That was our deal. We have to stick to the plan.

HA.

I went in (Jake was out of town working) for our IVF consultation and had a long talk with Dr. Vandermollen. He was very encouraging, as always. He told me that he just doesn't believe we are going to have to go to IVF. There's no reason (medically speaking) that I can't get pregnant and have a baby. None. So, he wanted us to do a cycle with injectible medication. Which, of course is EXTREMELY expensive. But, still, not as expensive as IVF. So, after going home and facetiming with Jake, we decided to do just that. We waited for my next cycle and when we went in to make sure we were clear to proceed, we were put on hold.

I had 3 cysts.

It was like a smack in the face. I swallowed the huge lump in throat and asked the dr what that meant. He said we would have to wait a month and then come back and see if they went away on their own. Great. So, I got to my car and cried. I called Jake and told him. He, of course because he is my rock, told me it's okay and just to take this chance to relax and breathe without working about cycle days and charting and everything else that consumes every single day of our life.

I went back in May just knowing everything would be clear. Not so. I had actually ovulated on my own, and those eggs had left behind tiny cysts in different places. So, the good news was the other cysts had disappeared and my body is working properly without meds. The bad news is, we have to go on birth control now for a month so that my ovaries will "rest" and the cysts will go away.

Birth control? WHAT?!?!?!? Yeah, I hate it. Seems like such a backwards leap. But, I know medically speaking it makes sense and that's what I'm paying this Dr for so, I did what he said.

Now, here we are in June. I thought we would for sure be good now. Jake and I went to the clinic and the nurse checked my right side and it was clear! I was relieved. Then, the left side...has a tiny cyst (16mm). They decided to do a blood count of my estrogen level. They were sure it would be fine and we could go ahead and proceed because that cyst was so small, surely it wasn't producing any hormones.

Wrong.

So, here I am another month of birth control. Another month of waiting to see if we can move forward. Another month of being reminded that I am quickly approaching 36 and all of my friends have kids that are in high school. I am running out of time. My husband doesn't deserve this. It's all my fault.

I know these are all super negative thoughts. But, I told you this would be pretty raw.  I'm sad. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my dream.

I feel guilty for being sad. I feel like I need to suck it up because there are so many other people out there hurting so much. Their issues are so much bigger than mine. I feel selfish for crying. But, that doesn't dry my tears.

Hopefully when we go back in July, we will be able to move forward. This has been a long 4 years of trying. And, I'm just emotionally worn out. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I don't want to hear " Well, you're like a mother to so many children." I don't want to be LIKE a mother. I want to be A MOTHER. I want my husband to be a father. I want all the good and bad that comes with being a parent. I don't care how hard it is. I want it. All of it.

Lord, please hear my broken-hearted plea.  You know my heart. And, it is my heart's desire to be a mom.  I want to have a family that will honor and glorify you. Lord, I am not too proud to beg you. Please. Please give us our miracle. Please don't delay.

<3 Lori