Emotions

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get off this emotional roller coaster I'm on. I love my life. I'm SO thankful for all that I have. I know that I don't deserve any of it. But, God is a merciful God and He continues to bless me even though I fall short on a daily basis. 


I have so much to be thankful for. I have this incredible husband who is so loving, so generous, so tender and yet so strong. I have three of the cutest kids in my life who I love more than I ever thought possible. I get SO much joy from being their LaLa every single day.  I have more stability in my life than I've known as an adult.  My friends are just incredible. I could go on and on and on...


So why do I feel so incomplete?


There's no worse feeling than the ache of infertility. There's no way of possibly understanding what it is like unless you have personally experienced the pain of wanting a child and not being able to make that happen on your own. I know so many pregnant people right now. It's the same old story...and it kills me every time. I'm expected to smile and say "Congratulations" but I can't. And, because I'm not a liar and I'm not a fake person, I won't. I can't make myself be happy for them. I am sorry for that...but it's just the way it is for me for now.


Does that make me a terrible person? Maybe. Can I change it? No. Do I want to? Sometimes...


I don't do baby showers. I don't do hospitals. I don't do "welcome home's" I just can't do it. 


Now, don't get me wrong. There are SOME people who I weep with joy for. I am literally so happy for them, I can barely stand it. People who I know have struggled like me and they finally get their miracle. People who have healthy marriages and who are going to be stable loving parents. People who I know want their children and are capable of providing for them.  Sigh...that makes me sound so judgmental and I'm not. 


I'm working on me. I'm praying about me. I'm praying for my husband to be able to deal with this too...and deal with me haha!  I have a fellow infertility blogger who said it best, "Grieving? Yes, that's what we do. We grieve the loss of our unborn child month after month, year after year, just as somebody would grieve the loss of a family or friend. " 


In my last blog, I wrote that I am choosing to "be still." That hasn't changed. I am not taking any medication pertaining to getting pregnant right now. I'm focusing on getting healthier and working out. I walk most every day. It has been very good for me. I'm letting God show me what He has in store for me. I'm waiting...sometimes impatiently...but waiting still.


Two of my friends, whom I will not name, have offered to be egg donors for me. I cannot in any shape, form, or fashion express how deep within my soul these sweet girls touched when they offered such a precious gift to me. It wasn't even something they had to think about. And it wasn't even something that I asked. I was speechless. The lump in my throat was followed with tears of gratitude. I want you two, you both know who you are, to know that I love you both more than you will ever know and just the fact that you would offer to do something so selfless for me means more to me than I can ever say. You are both my angels. And, if the time comes, and we do receive your precious gift, there will never be enough I could do to repay you. But, I would never stop trying. Ever.


I know that God is working on his plan for me. I know He is working on me really hard. He has his work cut out for Him but we all know that we serve a powerful God!  I keep finding out that people I know have been where I am and through what I've been through and am going through.  It's so strange to know that this touches people of all walks of life. For a long time, I thought I was being punished. I kept telling myself, this is the one thing that will hurt me the most, and it's because my life was such a mess for so long, now I'm paying for it. But, I know now that's just ridiculous...I think.


This week is National Infertility Awareness week. It's very important to me that people know that 1 in 8 people are affected by infertility. It is a disease. And, most insurance carriers see it as an elective. Like, I elected to be infertile. It makes me sick. If our insurance would cover it, we would have already done IVF. But, it's too costly. As of right now, anyway.  


I don't know what will happen. I hope and pray that one day I'll have the chance to be someone's Mommy.  I would die for that.


I posted this video once before...but I'll post it again for those of you who haven't watched it. I can't watch it without tearing up. Read the words. Hear the song. This is my heart.  

I'd love to hear your comments. I'd appreciate your prayers :)