How Great is Our God! Sing with me...

How great is our God, Sing with me! How Great is our God!

I love that song. It sums up how I feel right now...and every day these days, for that matter.  I figured it was definitely time for an update...so here I am :)

To start with, Jake had back surgery on July 11. I will not lie to you...I was a complete and total nervous wreck the morning of his surgery. My mother and Jake's older brother were both there with me when they took him away to the operating room. I just kept stopping and looking back, watching them wheeling him away. I started to cry and I just whispered, "He's in your hands now, Lord. Please keep him safe." What seemed like 2 years, was actually only a couple of hours. The doctor called me on the waiting room phone to tell me that everything went perfect and he was in recovery and I could see him about an hour.

Ugh. More waiting...

Then, finally I was able to get to him and he was in a lot of pain. Now, let me tell you something. There is no worse feeling than seeing this solid rock of a man who is always so strong in such a weakened state. I had to suck it up and take over. I stayed beside him every second. I never left his side. We stayed one night in the hospital and they sent him home around noon the next day. I was SO glad...sleeping in the hospital is a joke. I was exhausted and just wanted to be home, with my husband.

His progress has been remarkable. Within a couple of days he was pain free and doing fantastic. He went back to light-duty at work 2 weeks later. Then, at the 6 week mark, he was released to full duty with no restrictions. His job required him to take a full DOT physical before returning, which he passed, might I add, with flying colors!

Meanwhile, my cupcake fundraiser has now turned into a full time, crazy-busy, completely fulfilling business! I have sold about a gazillion ( ok, not really, but you get the drift) cupcakes over the past month. I have so many orders right now for bridal showers, baby showers, bachelorette parties, kids birthdays! It is overwhelming and wonderful :) I LOVE IT! We are now in the process of searching for a place to be able to open a shop where I can sell cupcakes every day. I am actually going to look at 2 tomorrow, so I'm pretty excited about that! It is the best feeling to be able to do what you love and love what you do...and make money doing it! :)

As far as the fertility journey goes, we got some pretty fantastic news.  We visited a different specialist in Frisco on August 25. I actually found him while doing research on the success rates of IVF clinics in TX. This clinic has the highest in TX. So, naturally, I wanted to see what his opinion was. I had all of my records sent to him from my local OB and the RE in Dallas that I have been seeing. I can honestly say this. When I walked into the office, I already felt more at peace than I have ever felt at the other place. Now, don't get me wrong. I am in NO WAY knocking the previous RE. I really like him. I'm not so crazy about some of the staff there, but that doesn't mean that they are not good. I just am not sure they are right for ME. We have prayed. A LOT. We asked God to lead us in the direction He has planned for us. We feel like this is the right one. Anyway, this particular RE at the new clinic was SO comforting. He informed me that I am NOT at risk of never being able to get pregnant and that he doesn't think that my only option is IVF. Now, he is not 100% sure that we won't have to resort to IVF eventually. But, he said that nowhere in my chart or my lab results does it indicate I cannot carry a child...the reason I'm not getting pregnant is because I'm not ovulating. Period. He said that is because I have PCOS. (Nobody has ever confirmed that for me. Nice to know...) Anyway, he said that most women with PCOS don't respond well to oral medication (i.e. clomid, femara). However, we do respond well ( sometimes too well) to injectible meds, such as Follistim. So, he recommended us going with that course of action first. He has a program in his office that provides intensive monitoring of my ovaries starting with the first day of my cycle. This will help him know how to adjust the medication if needed...whether it be to increase or decrease...so that we get perfect eggs. Then, when they are perfectly matured, they will give me a "booster shot" that will trigger the release of the egg, and at that point, will schedule an IUI in the office. This will get the swimmers closer to the egg so they won't have to look hard for it and will hopefully dig in and create a baby :) This procedure is about 20% of the cost of IVF.   If we do have to go with later, (if this procedure doesn't work) then, their IVF cost is about 50% cheaper than the other clinic...and as I stated earlier, has about 19% better success rates.

Needless to say, we are super excited about this news! I don't feel so doomed...I don't feel so hopeless.

Jake has transferred to work in Odessa. He is still with the same company, but he will now have a 2 week on/1 week off schedule. So, we will have to coordinate the procedure with his schedule. We are going to wait a month or two to be sure of how things are going to go before we go ahead. I will keep you guys posted on that.

<3-Lori

My Cup Runneth Over

Never in a million years did I think I'd be writing this update so soon. I went out on a limb and decided to quit hoping and start doing. Here's where that has got me:

It's only been 3 weeks since I opened up our fundraiser. THREE WEEKS. That's it. And already, we have raised almost $1500.00! 


There have been so many people that have read our story...watched our video...and cried with us. I can literally feel the arms of my many friends reaching out to hug me and my sweet husband with love and encouragement. I am still in such awe of our progress. I have complete strangers contacting me and offering prayers and words of encouragement. People are sending us requests daily to join our group. WOW!


If you haven't joined our group yet, here's the link!


https://www.facebook.com/groups/463520313661187/

I ended up selling 30 dozen cupcakes! Lord, I have never baked so many cupcakes in my life lol! The good thing about that is, I LOVE doing it. It's therapeutic for me. I never realized that until one day someone was talking about how when they are stressed they start drawing. Well, cooking is a type of art too...and I started thinking back and noticed that's what I do. When I have something on my mind, I start looking for a recipe. I get in the kitchen and put my own twist on it and there it is :) Of course, my husband is the benefactor of this hobby of mine ;) That's not always a good thing, but for the most part he's happy about it ;)

I've been selling Scentsy like crazy too! I have quite a bit of overstock so that has worked out good. I'm hoping to get a couple of ladies to do a basket party soon. All of my commission on orders goes directly into our savings account on the 10th of each month. So, that's definitely helping too!

We have received 2 cash donations so far. Sweet, precious loved ones. I love you and I thank you. I can't say that enough. I can't find the words...but "thank you" just isn't enough.

I have also received 2 donated items so far and 1 is pending. These are items to be raffled off. All the money from ticket sales goes directly into our savings.

Today I got a card in the mail from a friend of ours. It was a $50 visa gift card and a $25 chili's gift card. I think I've read it 1000 times and I am still in shock. SO sweet. So thoughtful. My heart is so full.

Thank you all for your support, for your prayers, and for your love.

We are right on track to meet our goal. IVF Cycle #1 (and hopefully the ONLY one) in March 2013 :)

XOXO

IVF or BUST!

Well, we didn't get picked for the top 3. They even doubled the top 3 to the top 6 and still we didn't make it.  I really thought I would be devastated by this. But, surprisingly enough I'm not. I prayed that God would protect my heart and prepare me to NOT be in it. I'll admit, my heart was racing reading through the finalists. I kept re-reading it over and over trying to find our name but then it hit me.

It's not here.

I even said it out loud. "We didn't make it." I ran into my bedroom and pulled the list up on the computer just to make sure I wasn't missing it. I wasn't. I was sad and naturally disappointed.  But I didn't cry. WOW! I DIDN'T CRY!!!

I immediately decided to start finding a way to do it on our own. I'm tired of leaving it up to fate...so I became proactive.  I googled grants...I searched for clinical trials. I found so much information that was so overwhelming!

Then I found something that I would have NEVER imagined: A FUNDRAISING website. There was another couple who is trying to pay for IVF on their own and set up a site on gofundme.com that allows people to make cash donations, no matter how big or small, that will add up to help them pay for their journey.  HOW COOL IS THAT??? It's set up so that you can only withdraw the money once. Therefore, people can be sure that the money is not being used in any way aside from what it is intended to be used for.

At first, I felt kind of strange about it. I don't want people to think I'm begging...because I'm not. But, then I thought back to a facebook group I'm a part of. It's an adoption group. The couple is raising money to pay for the fees associated with the adoption of their little girl from Africa! They are auctioning off donated items daily and have almost raised all the money. Alongside their own savings, they are so close to bringing their daughter home.  That's SO amazing!

Well, I can do that! I'm an excellent cook. I can sell cupcakes  I'm also considering talking to friends about donating items or services to be auctioned off. That's a little later. For now I'm starting small.

In ONE day, I've already sold 8 dozen cupcakes! That's 84.00!!! We received a cash donation of $50 from a precious family member, and the Scentsy basket I have up for grabs is at $70!

That's $204 in ONE DAY!!!

Here's how the IVF cycle pay schedule goes.

They do 1 cycle per month.  The dates are usually the 2nd Tuesday of each month.  The total cost for IVF is $8950.00.  The medication cost is between $3000.00 and $4000.00.  Anesthesia is $580.00.  Freezing of embryos is $720.00. Semi annual storage fee is $305.00

Another thing that has to happen 1 month prior is a fluid ultrasound that is $506.00 and a mock embryo transfer that is $200.00. 

That's a grand total of $14261.00-$15261.00.

A deposit of $2000.00 has to be paid 2 months in advance in order to lock in your cycle date.  Then 3-4 weeks later, you begin your medication. At that time, the remaining $6950.00 is due. Then the day of the egg transfer, the $580.00 anesthesia and $720.00 freezing fees are due along with the $305.00 storage fee.

The fluid ultrasound and mock embryo transfer have to be paid the day they are done.

So, in other words. We pay $2000.00 to lock in the date and then 4 weeks later we have to drop $10656.00-$11656.00.  Then at the end of that we have to pay the final $1605.00!

A little intimidating...huh?

Well, we are working hard. We are saving saving saving. I am starting to babysit for extra money. We are cutting back everywhere possible. We can do this! Our goal is to be ready for March 11, 2013.  That gives us 7 months to save and raise the money :)

I believe this is what we are supposed to do. I know that this is possible.

Thank you all for your help and support.

The website for our fundraiser is http://www.gofundme.com/qo790.

***update 6/18/2012***
Our facebook group is called McAdams Infertility Fund. If you'd like to join, just message me and I'll add you! So far I've sold 16 dozen cupcakes! We're getting closer :)
XOXO

Lori

Faith

This Friday will be 2 weeks since I made our video. Our video that could potentially change our lives.

I'll explain.

On Thursday, I was playing around on Facebook while my husband played his boy game. I noticed an update from Sher Institute...the fertility clinic Jake and I have been going to since December. It stated that they are giving away a free IVF cycle to the winner of a contest. The contest was simply upload a video telling the story of your infertility struggle. The top 3 will be chosen and then the one with the most votes wins. Sounds simple enough, right?

Well, I'm no Steven Spielberg...so the whole video thing was no cake walk for me.

But, I did it!

Tomorrow is the last day. Last time I checked there are 24 total entries. That means I have to beat 21 other people to be in the top 3.

I won't lie, my nerves are shot at this point.

Voting begins on June 8th....and then the big winner will be announced June 13.

I've never wanted something so bad in all my life. I just know this is our chance. We have prayed for so long that God would provide the way for us to be able to do this if it's in His will. Then, this contest comes from out of nowhere. I don't think that's a coincidence.

I am trying to prepare myself to not be heartbroken if we don't get picked. But, it's hard to not put your all into it when you want it so bad!

Here's our video. Please pray that we make the cut. Please let this be our chance.

Mother's Day

This time last year, I was dreading the weekend. I was happy to have plans with my mom. But, I was so very sad in the pit of my stomach. It should have been my first mother's day. I should have a newborn to celebrate with me. But I didn't. And my heart was still unbelievably shattered.

When you get married, you have to learn to split holidays...and that is never easy. I've always spent every single mother's day with my mom. Duh. Well, likewise for my husband. So, last year, we decided on an early lunch with my mom and then a late afternoon coffee date with Jake's.  I can remember feeling like I was going to have an anxiety attack while we were getting ready to go and telling Jake, " I can't do it. I can't go." He, as always, put his arms around me and told me, "I'll be right beside you. I'll take care of you." So, I went.

When we got to Papacita's, my mom was already there with her husband. We sat down and she handed me a single rose and a card. On the front of the card, it said, "Mommy."  I lost my breath. I opened the card and she had signed it with our little girl's name, Addison. I couldn't speak. I just laid my head over and cried. It was the sweetest moment. When I finally stopped crying, I looked over and Jake was crying too. I'll never forget that moment, for it was then that I realized, I am a Mom. I may not get to hold my baby until we get to be together again in Heaven, but I am her Mommy. Always.

This year, my sweet husband is out of town. He knew he would be, so on Wednesday when he got home from work, he came in with two huge bouquets of flowers and a gift bag that said, "Happy Mother's Day." I couldn't believe it. I opened it and the card was what got me again. It was SO sweet. As I read it, through tears, I looked over and he had tears running down his face too. All I kept thinking was, how did I get so lucky???

I'm so thankful for my mom. I'm so thankful for all the moms out there who work hard to take care of their babies whether they are working for someone outside the home, or taking care of all the things at home. I'm thankful for moms who know they can't provide for their children and choose to give them a better life by putting them with a family who will love them and care for them. I am thankful for moms who choose life and not the easy way out.

But, I'm mostly thankful that I have a family who remembers that I am a mom too.

<3

Emotions

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get off this emotional roller coaster I'm on. I love my life. I'm SO thankful for all that I have. I know that I don't deserve any of it. But, God is a merciful God and He continues to bless me even though I fall short on a daily basis. 


I have so much to be thankful for. I have this incredible husband who is so loving, so generous, so tender and yet so strong. I have three of the cutest kids in my life who I love more than I ever thought possible. I get SO much joy from being their LaLa every single day.  I have more stability in my life than I've known as an adult.  My friends are just incredible. I could go on and on and on...


So why do I feel so incomplete?


There's no worse feeling than the ache of infertility. There's no way of possibly understanding what it is like unless you have personally experienced the pain of wanting a child and not being able to make that happen on your own. I know so many pregnant people right now. It's the same old story...and it kills me every time. I'm expected to smile and say "Congratulations" but I can't. And, because I'm not a liar and I'm not a fake person, I won't. I can't make myself be happy for them. I am sorry for that...but it's just the way it is for me for now.


Does that make me a terrible person? Maybe. Can I change it? No. Do I want to? Sometimes...


I don't do baby showers. I don't do hospitals. I don't do "welcome home's" I just can't do it. 


Now, don't get me wrong. There are SOME people who I weep with joy for. I am literally so happy for them, I can barely stand it. People who I know have struggled like me and they finally get their miracle. People who have healthy marriages and who are going to be stable loving parents. People who I know want their children and are capable of providing for them.  Sigh...that makes me sound so judgmental and I'm not. 


I'm working on me. I'm praying about me. I'm praying for my husband to be able to deal with this too...and deal with me haha!  I have a fellow infertility blogger who said it best, "Grieving? Yes, that's what we do. We grieve the loss of our unborn child month after month, year after year, just as somebody would grieve the loss of a family or friend. " 


In my last blog, I wrote that I am choosing to "be still." That hasn't changed. I am not taking any medication pertaining to getting pregnant right now. I'm focusing on getting healthier and working out. I walk most every day. It has been very good for me. I'm letting God show me what He has in store for me. I'm waiting...sometimes impatiently...but waiting still.


Two of my friends, whom I will not name, have offered to be egg donors for me. I cannot in any shape, form, or fashion express how deep within my soul these sweet girls touched when they offered such a precious gift to me. It wasn't even something they had to think about. And it wasn't even something that I asked. I was speechless. The lump in my throat was followed with tears of gratitude. I want you two, you both know who you are, to know that I love you both more than you will ever know and just the fact that you would offer to do something so selfless for me means more to me than I can ever say. You are both my angels. And, if the time comes, and we do receive your precious gift, there will never be enough I could do to repay you. But, I would never stop trying. Ever.


I know that God is working on his plan for me. I know He is working on me really hard. He has his work cut out for Him but we all know that we serve a powerful God!  I keep finding out that people I know have been where I am and through what I've been through and am going through.  It's so strange to know that this touches people of all walks of life. For a long time, I thought I was being punished. I kept telling myself, this is the one thing that will hurt me the most, and it's because my life was such a mess for so long, now I'm paying for it. But, I know now that's just ridiculous...I think.


This week is National Infertility Awareness week. It's very important to me that people know that 1 in 8 people are affected by infertility. It is a disease. And, most insurance carriers see it as an elective. Like, I elected to be infertile. It makes me sick. If our insurance would cover it, we would have already done IVF. But, it's too costly. As of right now, anyway.  


I don't know what will happen. I hope and pray that one day I'll have the chance to be someone's Mommy.  I would die for that.


I posted this video once before...but I'll post it again for those of you who haven't watched it. I can't watch it without tearing up. Read the words. Hear the song. This is my heart.  

I'd love to hear your comments. I'd appreciate your prayers :)

Be Still

I can't believe it's been so long since I've updated our blog. Then again, I'm surprised I have time to sit down and do it now lol! Things have been really crazy since my last post. First of all, Christmas. It was fantastically wonderful. Jake and I had our first real Christmas in our home with our gigantic Christmas tree.  We had fun with family and friends and ate lots of yummy food. But, we couldn't forget that this year should have been our sweet baby's first Christmas. We know that our baby (we like to think that she was a she;)) is in Heaven with Jesus and we will see her again someday. He is holding her in His arms while we cannot. If she would have been born, her name would have been Addison Grace. So, now it is time for what would have been her 1st birthday. It makes me so sad thinking of all the things we will never get to do with her. But, I know that God has a plan. I have to know that or I would lose my mind. Sometimes, although I know that, my flesh is so weak and I forget that and I get angry. Anger turns to hurt and then hurt turns to sadness. I'll explain.


In January, I had an in-office procedure called sclerotherapy. Sclerotherapy for ovarian endometriomas involves; needle aspiration of the liquid content of the endometriotic cyst, followed by the injection of 4-5% tetracycline into the cyst cavity. Treatment results in disappearance of the lesion within 6-8 weeks, in more than 75% of cases so treated. I had a cyst that was 11 cm in diameter. It was not ON my ovary, but it was next to it and my doctor seemed to think that it was THE problem. We fix this and we fix the problem and we will be making a baby.


Not so much.


I went back a week after the procedure for a follow up to see if the cyst had indeed dissolved. It had! We were so excited! So, my doctor prescribed Femara to me and told me to start testing on day 10 of my cycle and as soon and I got a positive for ovulation to call him.  I did...and it never happened. So, I called him and he told me to come in immediately. He did an ultrasound and I had NO follicles. Not one. My ovaries were not responding to the medication. So, he said we have to move to the injections. They are not covered by our insurance and are approximately $2000.00 per month. OH MY WORD. All I could think of was, this has to work quick or we're not going to be able to afford this. He gave me a prescription to "jump start" my cycle. It didn't work. I was really ready to pull my hair out. I called the office after 12 days of nothing and they asked me to come back for yet another ultrasound. 


Bad news. More cysts. 


So, he told me to go back on birth control for 1 month and let my ovaries "rest" and we'll start again.  Everything in me told me not to take those pills. I just couldn't make myself take the prescription to the pharmacy. Every time I thought about taking it the verse, "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10 kept coming to my mind. 


Woah. Am I pushing too hard? Am I trying to knock down a door that you don't want open, Lord? I don't want to do that. So, I emailed my doctor and told him I wanted him to test my AMH (ovarian reserve). He ordered the blood test and I nervously waited for it to come back. When it did, he called me. 


More bad news. 


A normal AMH count is between 2 and 7.  Mine is a 1.1. He tells me that critical level is 0.7. That's not far from where I am. I thought I would never stop crying. I felt like my world came crashing down around me. He told me that we need to do IVF fast and get as many eggs as we possibly can before they're gone.  Here's the problem with that. Our insurance has an infertility exclusion. NONE of the $13,500 that it costs for a single cycle plan would be covered. None.


So, now what? Do we exhaust all of our savings and then some and take this huge chance that is not guaranteed? Do we just give up? What about adoption? Those are just a few of the millions of questions that have been running through our heads. 


Then it hit me. Be still. Be STILL. BE STILL. "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD." It doesn't matter if I have a million eggs or 1. If God wants me to have a baby, then it only takes 1.  I can't put my body or my heart through this any more. I am not giving up, but I'm giving it to Him. I know that He has a plan. I know that His plan is perfect. 


We have decided to keep trying on our own and if it doesn't happen, we will adopt. There are plenty of babies that need parents like us. So, when the time is right, if that is what He wants for us, then that is what we'll do!  


I decided that I wanted to get back on track with my weight loss and went back to Metabolic Research Center on Wednesday. We had started their program almost 2 years ago and I had to stop because I found out I was pregnant. So, they put it on hold for me and told me to come back when I was ready. Well, the lady didn't know that we miscarried and asked me how my baby was. I choked back tears and told her that I had lost her. She apologized and continued on with her customer that was ahead of me.  As I was about to start my consultation, the lady who had been ahead of me stepped into the room where I was. She said, "Before I leave, I'd like to say something to you if you don't mind." I smiled and said, "Ok?" She said, "I heard you say that you lost your baby. I, too, had a miscarriage. 4 actually. And I believe that every one of those babies are in Heaven. I had 3 girls afterward and my husband always said he thought those 4 were probably girls too. I've since lost my husband to cancer and I know that he is in Heaven playing with our little girls and waiting on the rest of us to get there. I just want you to know He will take care of you and I'm going to be praying for you!" I was just in tears. How precious was that!!! God spoke to me through that sweet lady. So, I think I'll listen ;)