Thank you

It's still so strange to me to be able to say, "We are going through IVF right now." I am used to saying, "We are trying to have a baby" or "We are going through fertility treatments" but....IVF?!?! It always seemed so unattainable. The cost...it was just so much.

Nothing is ever too much for God.

Man, has He shown me that over the past few months. I still go back to that day that the nurse called me to tell me my pregnancy test was negative. It was our 4th failed IUI. I remember her saying that we were out of options and that we needed to move forward. I remember the room spinning and me crying and Jacob holding me and me crying some more. I will never forget that moment. I completely gave up. I completely let go. I knew that I had to because I had tried everything on my own. And it wasn't working. (duh) ;)

In less than 3 months, through fundraisers, donations, garage sales, auctions, personal savings, and selling unneeded items, we raised enough to pay cash for our treatment and our medication. We are not in debt. We did not have to take out any loans or anything.

That's big, y'all. Really big. But, I shouldn't have expected anything less. We serve a big God who loves us BIG. He wants to bless us BIG and He has.

There's no amount of thanks that I can voice to show what is on my heart. There are no words that are good enough to be able to express how thankful I am to all of you for being His hands on Earth. But I will try.

Thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for loving us enough to help us. Whether you dropped off items to sell, bought from the sales, donated money, bought t-shirts or bracelets, dropped change in the bottles, filled bottles, participated in the auctions, donated items to be auctioned, hosted parties and donated commission, PRAYED for us, ordered cakes or cupcakes, (I hope I'm not forgetting anything-if I am, I'm sorry!), YOU are a part of this journey. You are special to us and we love you all. We will never ever forget your generosity and thoughtfulness. Ever.

We are in the first days of the meds for ovulation. These are two shots twice a day in my tummy. They don't hurt. And it really wouldn't matter anyway. Like someone told me, "By the time I got to that point, I would have sawed my arm off to become a mommy" I feel the same way. Believe me.

Yesterday while talking to my best friend, we were laughing about something coming up in a couple of months and I said "Well, I'll be pregnant so it will just depend on that."  We both kind of giggled and I said, "Isn't that funny how I said that?! But, you know, I just refuse to accept that this isn't going to work because I know it is. Not because of me, but because of God." And, that's exactly how I feel. This is it. I won't allow myself to have any doubts, because that's not Faith. Faith is believing. And I believe.

I ask that you please join us in fervent prayer that the medications we are taking now will do their job and produce lots of good quality eggs. And, then on December 4 (unless that changes) that we will have a smooth retrieval. I will be posting on facebook when we know the date of the embryo transfer. That day, we will need you all to pray constantly for a good transfer and successful implantation.

We love you.

Baby McAdams is coming. I just know it.

<3

Lori

#teambaby

This is really happening. I still have to pinch myself from time to time to believe it. We are about to start a new chapter in our journey...a chapter we never thought we would be able to open. These are waters that we have never forged. This is the promise that we've been standing on for more than 4 years now. It is unfolding before our eyes and I can't help but be a little tearful every time I think about it.

Back in August, I was at the lowest point of our journey. I had experienced lows before, don't get me wrong. And, I've been pretty transparent during those times. But, I've never just really felt this broken. I think God wanted this. Not that He wants us to break, but sometimes I think it's a NEED. I think He needs to break OUR will, so we have nothing left to cling to but His. Kind of like disciplining a child..and that's what we are. We are His children. That's pretty simple...yet so profound. We are HIS. Imagine the love you have for your children...you think that nobody can love them like you do, right? I know the love I have for my angel baby. But, we are all wrong...because He loves us even more...and he loves our children even more.

After all, it was He that sent His only Son to die for all of us over 2000 years ago. Remember? Could you do that? No way. I know I couldn't.

He, being our loving Father wants to bless us and give us the desires of our hearts. And, I believe with all of my heart that He is blessing us with the ability to receive our gift (or gifts ) that he has for us.

We are less than $2000 away from being able to pay for IVF.

We are almost there. In fact, we are close enough that we are committing to start this month and have our embryo transfer in December.

Praise the Lord! Give thanks to the Lord for He is Good. His love endures FOREVER. Psalm 106:1

<3 Lori

Five Loaves and 2 Fish

In Luke 9:16 in the Bible, the story of the bread and fish is told. Most of us know this story, but for those who don't...here it is.

 16 Then He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, He blessed them, and broke them, and kept giving them to the disciples to set before the people. 17 And they all ate and were satisfied; and the broken pieces which they had left over were picked up, twelve baskets full.

A few weeks ago, we did our final IUI. It was unsuccessful. I don't think that I would have taken the news so hard, if it hadn't been followed with the news we received.  "We've gone as far as we can go. IVF is where we need to go."

I cried. A LOT. I screamed. EVEN MORE. And I yelled at my husband, at my family, and at God.

I was SO MAD. I have prayed. I have thousands of people praying with me and for me. I have done everything I know to do. WHY DOES GOD HATE ME!?!? WHY IS HE PUNISHING ME?!?

I am SO GLAD He forgives my temper tantrums. Because that's literally what I had...complete with laying in the floor and kicking and screaming. Yeah, it was ugly. And, for my sweet husband's sake, I hope I can maintain my composure and never do that again. lol!

My bestie text me and and said she was coming to see me. She always knows when I really just need her to come over. She showed up with a bouquet of flowers...oh how I love her. We went to dinner and she told me that "we" could do this.

How? It seems so huge! There's no way we can come up with $15000.00. We don't have that kind of money!

Well, "we" can't. But God can.

In less than 24 hours, we had over $300 donated to our account. We started selling these bracelets and people got interested.

We decided to have a garage sale. We asked for donations...and I cleaned out my house. We (me and Jake) said we would sell everything we own if that's what it takes. We are going to walk by Faith and show our determination.

This is where the parable above comes in.

When I tell you that we are STILL getting donations for our sales, I am NOT exaggerating. We had SO much stuff that we didn't even know what to do with it. My garage is packed floor to ceiling still and we had a 3 day sale this past weekend at my house.

We raised a grand total of $2900.00 at that sale.

Hello, God. Thank you! Thank you for putting me in my place once again. And Thank you for showing me what You can do with your people.

I have had friends and family donate continuously. We are having another sale on 9/6 in Quitman. Then another one back in Longview on 9/20.

Our account total right now is at almost $6000.00.  Yes. in less than a month, we have raised that much!

I love EACH AND EVERY ONE of you. Jake does too! He is working hard and trying to work extra when he can to help speed up the process. All the proceeds for any cakes I do from beginning to end are going in this account.

This is super exciting and we are getting there quickly! Thank you for reading, praying, and sharing in our journey.

Love, Lori
#teambaby #matthew21:22

Once Upon A Time...

I had to share this somewhere. I didn't want to post it on facebook because I didn't want the millions of questions and the "congratulations" from those who just see the pic and don't read the caption...I just had to acknowledge it. Because, if for nobody else, this was and is still important to us.

I downloaded this app called TimeHop a couple of weeks ago. It's been really cool looking back at what I posted 4-5 years ago. Seeing how young I look...reading the posts about me and Jake getting engaged. Wedding planning....etc etc.

Until yesterday.

This was on my timehop. I literally felt my heart break. I knew the date was coming up. But, I guess I was hoping it would skip over this post. I actually thought I had deleted it...

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember looking at that pregnancy test and thinking...no way. Are you sure??? I started crying and laughing at the same time. I was on birth control. This isn't even possible! WHAT?!?! I immediately called Jake and he came running in there and I handed him the test and he just smiled and hugged me and said "Congrats!" lol

Congrats? Um...what? 

Then he took a minute to let it sink in and he turned around and looked at me and said, "I'm gonna be a daddy! You're gonna be a mommy!" And the tears fell.

We left and went straight to my moms house. I walked in the door and she was waiting on me. She said, "what's wrong?" I said, "Mom...I'm gonna have a baby!" She jumped up and was crying by the time she grabbed me and kissed my cheek. She just kept saying over and over how happy she was. She hugged Jake and hugged me again. It was a beautiful moment. One that I will never ever forget. 

I called my sister at work. She was 8 months pregnant with Carlisle. She answered the phone and I said, "Sissy I have something to tell you. I'm pregnant!" She started crying. Yes. MY SISTER. lol! I went up to see her and she came up and hugged me and had tears running down her face. She was so happy. 

I was so happy. 

We were SO happy.

We went to the doctor and got our due date that day. I started planning. It was the most exciting feeling I've ever experienced.

I can't wait to feel that again.

I'll miss you every day of my life until I see you again my sweet baby.

Love, 

Baby McAdams' Mommy

Preparing our Tent

As most of you all know, we are back on track with our treatments. We went to see my RE and he cleared us to start the shots. This is something we have been trying to do since March. It's VERY expensive. But, we are willing to do whatever we have to do in order to pursue our dream :)

In my last post, I mentioned that I was really struggling with "Letting Go" and giving this completely to God. Now, mind you, it's not because I haven't wanted to...or even that I haven't tried. But I just felt like I had to hold on to a little of it. Just a smidgen.

Completely ridiculous on my part. lol!

After a very heartfelt conversation with my brother, I knew that I needed to turn it loose. He called me concerned about my well-being after a post I made about feeling like I was starting to get very depressed. He wasn't judging me whatsoever. He just kept telling me that he felt like he had some things laid on his heart that he needed to tell me. I listened to every word and I can honestly say that I felt so honored that he cared enough to call me and share what was on his heart.

So, I talked to my mom about it...and of course my husband. And, then I prayed. I asked God to take this fear away from me. The fear of letting go and the fear of failure and disappointment. I felt it leave my body. Like a huge burden just floated off of my shoulders and I felt free.

The time came for me to go see my RE this past Friday and for the first time, I wasn't scared. I was confident. I felt sure that we would be good to go. I normally post and ask everyone to pray for us before these appointments but I didn't really feel that way. I sent a few private messages to my close friends who have been praying us through this just to inform them of what was going on but that was it. And, just as I expected...everything was good!

Well, I started the injections on Saturday.  My mom gives them to me in my tummy. They are just little needles and it's relatively painless. But, I can't do it to myself. Lol! So, she blesses me with her nursing skills and takes care of it for me. Her husband told me last night, "Every time I see you you're shooting up!" lol! I was mixing the meds and it gave me a good laugh. Oh the stories I will have to share with our children when they get here :)

Yesterday as I was climbing into the pool at home, a facebook message popped up from my cousin, Jessica. This is what it said, "Isaiah 54:1-3 It was our message this morning and God put you on my heart!" I sent back a smile and told her thank you and that I would read it. I immediately went to the Bible app and searched for the scripture. This is what I read:
                  
“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband says the Lord. “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities."

Wow. Pretty powerful stuff. She then sent to me " I couldn't shake it and I knew God needed me to share it with you. The minute we started service, I had you on my heart." I replied "That's so cool. I read it to Jake and he said, what does that mean? lol. I said Looks like we need to start preparing our tent!;)" She said, "Our message after that scripture was be expecting that God is going to do it not just hopeful that he might!"  

This just smacked me right in the face and I got tears in my eyes. I told my mom about it when we went over for my shot and she thought it was pretty cool too.

So...here we go... we will start "preparing our tent" 

Love, 

Lori

Open My Eyes

Throughout this journey, adoption has never really been something that we have considered. Not that it's not a good idea. Just not something that our hearts were compelled toward.

I will admit that there was a time that I asked Jake, "What if we are never able to get pregnant? Are you willing to adopt?" His answer was a firm "No." I asked him to explain why and he did. In order to respect his privacy, I will just say that I understood his reasoning...but prayed for God to soften his heart when and if the time was right.

On Monday, after I posted "Still Waiting" I got a few messages from different people asking me if we had considered adoption, or more-so encouraging us to consider it. I, of course, in protection of Jake's wishes, shut it down graciously.

Tuesday morning, I got a call that I never expected to get. Due to the legality of the matter, I won't be able to give a ton of information on this, but I will share what I can. The call was regarding a family with 6 children that needed placement. The children ranged from 7 months to 7 years. Their living conditions were unacceptable and Child Protective Services was involved. We were told the parents had until today (Thursday) to voluntarily place the children, or the state would be placing them.

Oh, Lord, what are You doing? Is this the answer to my "Why?" Is this the way you're going to give us our miracle?

ALL of these thoughts rushed through my head as tears ran down my face wondering what in the world we were going to do and if Jake would even be willing. I called him and he said he needed to think about it. I started praying. I prayed that God would make it so obvious to us if this is what we are supposed to do that we would not be able to shake it. I prayed for His peace if it wasn't in His will. I called back and asked more questions. Were the children going to be placed for adoption? Was this temporary or what? I knew in my heart that I am not made to be a foster parent. I had a very close family friend growing up that was a foster parent. She and her husband had two different children placed with them and two different times.  And both were supposed to stay...and then didn't. I can remember seeing her cry. You know that ugly cry that is heart-wrenching to anyone and incapable of being comforted. That has stayed with me my whole life. I remember how much it hurt ME when those little ones were taken back. I VOWED to never allow myself to experience that kind of pain. So, that was important for me to know.

I prayed to God, "Lord, Please don't let me bring these children home if they won't be mine. I can't give them back. Please slam the door shut if they will have to leave because you know my heart is too tender for that."

We made an appointment to go and meet the children. Oh my stars, it was life-changing. I can promise you that if I could, I would have loaded up all 6 of those kids and brought them home with me. But, that's just not feasible for us. I couldn't get a good feeling while we were out there and I could tell Jake couldn't either so we chose to go home and pray for the kids to be placed where they needed to be. But, we just didn't feel like it was what we were supposed to do.

Well, all night I couldn't shake it. I just kept crying thinking about those kids and that I just knew they thought we didn't want them. I cried and prayed and talked to Jake. I dreamed about them. I couldn't shake it. So, I woke Jake up and told him that God just wasn't letting me let this go. He told me to go get two of the little girls. The 4 year old and the 7 month old.

I called and told them what we were willing to do...and even then I was still thinking about taking the oldest one as well. I rushed to go get car seats and started calling around trying to find a baby bed and a twin size bed. I was laughing and crying at the same time because I was scared to death but I knew that God would hear my cry. I knew that if He was letting this happen, they were going to be ours. He is the keeper of our hearts and I KNOW He will protect them when we ask Him to.

I was literally pulling into park to get the car seats when I got another call.

The state won't allow the children to be separated.

One would think that I would have lost it at that point. But, I just took a deep breath and said, "OK" I prayed and thanked God for keeping us safe. I prayed and asked Him to protect the children and place them where He wants them.

Now, the whole reason I'm sharing this story is not for pity for me and Jake or even for the children involved. Although, I will ask you to pray your socks off for these kids because they need TONS of love. I don't think they will ever go back to their parents but I don't know that for certain. I just want them to be safe and loved the way they deserve to be. They are so precious. And they have changed me forever and have no idea. The reason I am sharing this is because, if for no other reason, this whole experience has changed my heart and my husband's heart. We are still going to fight with all we have to be able to bring a child into this world. But, the Lord said we are to love the least of these...and that's what we want to do.

I am working on giving this completely and totally to Him. That is HARD. I want to just hold on to a little bit so I'm in control of it. The funny thing is, I'm not in control of this AT ALL. So, please pray for me to be able to let Him take the wheel. I know that then and only then will I be able to be at peace with this. So thankful for a prayerful, God-fearing "little" brother who loves me enough to remind me of this. :)

<3 Lori

Still waiting

I kept thinking that I would wait to post when I could make THE big announcement. You know, the "Woohoo we're pregnant" post. But, here we are 7 months since the last post and it still hasn't happened. So, I will catch you up on what has been going on thus far and it will probably be pretty emotional and raw because today, for me, is a really bad day. It started yesterday and I don't think I've gone longer than a couple of hours without crying since.

The surgery was definitely successful. We went for our post op appointment and everything was perfect! We were so excited. I started my medication and on day 14 of that cycle, we had an egg! That was the first time I had a confirmed ovulation throughout this entire journey. We did our first IUI and just KNEW it was successful. On January 27, I went for my HCG blood test and it was negative. I cried. A LOT. But, I just got myself together and said, "We are closer than we've ever been. This is not over. We will try again next month." I found myself comforting my friends who were sad for me. I found an inner strength (through Jesus) that I had never experienced before. So, we started over and in February, I had 3 eggs! I was SO excited. Everyone was! I feel like there are so many people going through this journey with us and that means so much to us both. We did another IUI, and it was negative. That was hard. I couldn't understand why out of 3 eggs one didn't take. But, once again, I put on a happy face and told everyone "Hey! It's okay! We are only getting better, not worse! It's gonna happen! Let's do this!" So, again in March, we started the medication and kept right on rolling. This time, we only got 1 egg. That's all it takes, though, right? So, I was hopefully optimistic, once again. And, once again, we did not get pregnant.

Now, I am one of the people who says, "We have 3 failed IUI's" We said we weren't going to do more than 3. We said if the 3rd didn't work we were going to move straight to IVF. That was our deal. We have to stick to the plan.

HA.

I went in (Jake was out of town working) for our IVF consultation and had a long talk with Dr. Vandermollen. He was very encouraging, as always. He told me that he just doesn't believe we are going to have to go to IVF. There's no reason (medically speaking) that I can't get pregnant and have a baby. None. So, he wanted us to do a cycle with injectible medication. Which, of course is EXTREMELY expensive. But, still, not as expensive as IVF. So, after going home and facetiming with Jake, we decided to do just that. We waited for my next cycle and when we went in to make sure we were clear to proceed, we were put on hold.

I had 3 cysts.

It was like a smack in the face. I swallowed the huge lump in throat and asked the dr what that meant. He said we would have to wait a month and then come back and see if they went away on their own. Great. So, I got to my car and cried. I called Jake and told him. He, of course because he is my rock, told me it's okay and just to take this chance to relax and breathe without working about cycle days and charting and everything else that consumes every single day of our life.

I went back in May just knowing everything would be clear. Not so. I had actually ovulated on my own, and those eggs had left behind tiny cysts in different places. So, the good news was the other cysts had disappeared and my body is working properly without meds. The bad news is, we have to go on birth control now for a month so that my ovaries will "rest" and the cysts will go away.

Birth control? WHAT?!?!?!? Yeah, I hate it. Seems like such a backwards leap. But, I know medically speaking it makes sense and that's what I'm paying this Dr for so, I did what he said.

Now, here we are in June. I thought we would for sure be good now. Jake and I went to the clinic and the nurse checked my right side and it was clear! I was relieved. Then, the left side...has a tiny cyst (16mm). They decided to do a blood count of my estrogen level. They were sure it would be fine and we could go ahead and proceed because that cyst was so small, surely it wasn't producing any hormones.

Wrong.

So, here I am another month of birth control. Another month of waiting to see if we can move forward. Another month of being reminded that I am quickly approaching 36 and all of my friends have kids that are in high school. I am running out of time. My husband doesn't deserve this. It's all my fault.

I know these are all super negative thoughts. But, I told you this would be pretty raw.  I'm sad. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my dream.

I feel guilty for being sad. I feel like I need to suck it up because there are so many other people out there hurting so much. Their issues are so much bigger than mine. I feel selfish for crying. But, that doesn't dry my tears.

Hopefully when we go back in July, we will be able to move forward. This has been a long 4 years of trying. And, I'm just emotionally worn out. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I don't want to hear " Well, you're like a mother to so many children." I don't want to be LIKE a mother. I want to be A MOTHER. I want my husband to be a father. I want all the good and bad that comes with being a parent. I don't care how hard it is. I want it. All of it.

Lord, please hear my broken-hearted plea.  You know my heart. And, it is my heart's desire to be a mom.  I want to have a family that will honor and glorify you. Lord, I am not too proud to beg you. Please. Please give us our miracle. Please don't delay.

<3 Lori