I have not posted an update until now because I have been waiting until I had all of the information to share. Now I do, so here I am :)
First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you who have read my blog and are praying us through this emotionally and physically taxing journey. There are some days that I just feel like I can't do it anymore. But, God has not given us a spirit of fear, so I tell Satan to leave me alone and keep on keeping on.
Growing up in church, I sang in the children's and youth choirs. I loved to sing the special music on Sundays and would fight through the butterflies to do so every chance I got. One of my most favorite songs to sing was "He is Able." I had no idea how much that song would come to mean to me as an adult. It is so true...and I catch myself humming it more and more these days. Here are the lyrics:
"Like peering through a window blurred with rain,
emotions run together in a flood of doubt & pain.
We've prayed as best we can. Now we must leave it in His hands.
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
Questions seem to haunt us night and day
How could my God allow my heart to be torn this way?
Does He listen when I call? Is He even there at all?
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
He is ABLE!
And as the night gives way to dawning and evaporates away
I stand to face another day
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE! HE IS ABLE!
HE IS ABLE!!!!
Wow. What a message, right?
So, here's the deal: We went to our RE on September 29 with the belief that we were going for our baseline to begin the steps for our first procedure in assisted conception of our miracle baby. Well, that morning I prayed while I was in the shower. I told God, "Lord, I'm giving this to you. All of it. I know I have always held on to a little bit of it...but as of today, I am laying it all at Your feet. I am asking you to see this through and to bring our dream of being parents to not only our heavenly baby but a baby we can honor You with here on Earth to fruition. I love you and I thank you in advance because I know you hear my cry."
Now that may seem fairly insignificant to some...but that was the hardest thing for me to do. But the instant I said it and actually MEANT it, I felt a HUGE release. It was as if I physically felt my precious Savior take this burden from me. I have never felt so free.
We got to the doctor's office and everything seemed to be going fine until he told me that he had found a cyst. Same place. Same size.
I felt like I was thrown backward. I felt myself starting to spiral.
Then I heard Jesus' voice in my ear, " I already knew about this. Trust in me."
There were no tears. I couldn't cry. I just asked all of the questions that came to me and completely held it together. I was so calm and so matter of fact. The doctor told me that we would have to put everything on hold and that it would require surgery. However he is booked way out so it would be mid to end of November if they were able to squeeze me in. Otherwise, it could be after the first of the year.
I took a deep breath and just said, "okay. Let's do it." My husband remained so calm. He keeps any part of me that wants to flip out very calm. He is my perfect match. I love him so.
My surgery is scheduled for November 13 at 7:30am. I am full of hope that this will be the final step.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Baby McAdams is already so loved and he or she isn't even on their way...yet ;)
<3 Lori
