In one week this will all be over.
In one week this cyst will not be in my body anymore.
In one week the one thing that is (potentially) standing between me and motherhood will be history.
One week.
I'm scared to death.
I went to the doctor for my follow up a couple of weeks ago. The cyst had grown...a lot. It grew enough in the short period of time that my doctor was even surprised. He just scratched his head and looked at me.
Then he said the words I never expected to hear: I may have to take your ovary. This could be cancer.
Wait, what?
He then commenced to tell me what my "survival rate" will be if it's this type or if it's that type. He kept saying "if your cancer" this and "if your cancer" that. I stopped him mid-sentence and asked him, "Are you telling me that I have cancer?" He said, "No. But I'll be honest with you. I am worried."
I am not claiming cancer. I am not owning it. I will come out of this surgery with both ovaries in tact and fully functional and cancer free.
That's what my heart says.
But I'm still afraid. Even though I know that fear is not of the Lord. The Lord has not given us a spirit of fear. He says so in His Word.
Please pray for me and especially for my sweet husband.
He is scared too.
Surgery is next Wednesday at 7:30. If you have any questions, Jake will have my phone.
<3
Lori
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
HE IS ABLE!!!
I have not posted an update until now because I have been waiting until I had all of the information to share. Now I do, so here I am :)
First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you who have read my blog and are praying us through this emotionally and physically taxing journey. There are some days that I just feel like I can't do it anymore. But, God has not given us a spirit of fear, so I tell Satan to leave me alone and keep on keeping on.
Growing up in church, I sang in the children's and youth choirs. I loved to sing the special music on Sundays and would fight through the butterflies to do so every chance I got. One of my most favorite songs to sing was "He is Able." I had no idea how much that song would come to mean to me as an adult. It is so true...and I catch myself humming it more and more these days. Here are the lyrics:
"Like peering through a window blurred with rain,
emotions run together in a flood of doubt & pain.
We've prayed as best we can. Now we must leave it in His hands.
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
Questions seem to haunt us night and day
How could my God allow my heart to be torn this way?
Does He listen when I call? Is He even there at all?
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
He is ABLE!
And as the night gives way to dawning and evaporates away
I stand to face another day
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE! HE IS ABLE!
HE IS ABLE!!!!
Wow. What a message, right?
So, here's the deal: We went to our RE on September 29 with the belief that we were going for our baseline to begin the steps for our first procedure in assisted conception of our miracle baby. Well, that morning I prayed while I was in the shower. I told God, "Lord, I'm giving this to you. All of it. I know I have always held on to a little bit of it...but as of today, I am laying it all at Your feet. I am asking you to see this through and to bring our dream of being parents to not only our heavenly baby but a baby we can honor You with here on Earth to fruition. I love you and I thank you in advance because I know you hear my cry."
Now that may seem fairly insignificant to some...but that was the hardest thing for me to do. But the instant I said it and actually MEANT it, I felt a HUGE release. It was as if I physically felt my precious Savior take this burden from me. I have never felt so free.
We got to the doctor's office and everything seemed to be going fine until he told me that he had found a cyst. Same place. Same size.
I felt like I was thrown backward. I felt myself starting to spiral.
Then I heard Jesus' voice in my ear, " I already knew about this. Trust in me."
There were no tears. I couldn't cry. I just asked all of the questions that came to me and completely held it together. I was so calm and so matter of fact. The doctor told me that we would have to put everything on hold and that it would require surgery. However he is booked way out so it would be mid to end of November if they were able to squeeze me in. Otherwise, it could be after the first of the year.
I took a deep breath and just said, "okay. Let's do it." My husband remained so calm. He keeps any part of me that wants to flip out very calm. He is my perfect match. I love him so.
My surgery is scheduled for November 13 at 7:30am. I am full of hope that this will be the final step.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Baby McAdams is already so loved and he or she isn't even on their way...yet ;)
<3 Lori
First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you who have read my blog and are praying us through this emotionally and physically taxing journey. There are some days that I just feel like I can't do it anymore. But, God has not given us a spirit of fear, so I tell Satan to leave me alone and keep on keeping on.
Growing up in church, I sang in the children's and youth choirs. I loved to sing the special music on Sundays and would fight through the butterflies to do so every chance I got. One of my most favorite songs to sing was "He is Able." I had no idea how much that song would come to mean to me as an adult. It is so true...and I catch myself humming it more and more these days. Here are the lyrics:
"Like peering through a window blurred with rain,
emotions run together in a flood of doubt & pain.
We've prayed as best we can. Now we must leave it in His hands.
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
Questions seem to haunt us night and day
How could my God allow my heart to be torn this way?
Does He listen when I call? Is He even there at all?
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
He is ABLE!
And as the night gives way to dawning and evaporates away
I stand to face another day
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE! HE IS ABLE!
HE IS ABLE!!!!
Wow. What a message, right?
So, here's the deal: We went to our RE on September 29 with the belief that we were going for our baseline to begin the steps for our first procedure in assisted conception of our miracle baby. Well, that morning I prayed while I was in the shower. I told God, "Lord, I'm giving this to you. All of it. I know I have always held on to a little bit of it...but as of today, I am laying it all at Your feet. I am asking you to see this through and to bring our dream of being parents to not only our heavenly baby but a baby we can honor You with here on Earth to fruition. I love you and I thank you in advance because I know you hear my cry."
Now that may seem fairly insignificant to some...but that was the hardest thing for me to do. But the instant I said it and actually MEANT it, I felt a HUGE release. It was as if I physically felt my precious Savior take this burden from me. I have never felt so free.
We got to the doctor's office and everything seemed to be going fine until he told me that he had found a cyst. Same place. Same size.
I felt like I was thrown backward. I felt myself starting to spiral.
Then I heard Jesus' voice in my ear, " I already knew about this. Trust in me."
There were no tears. I couldn't cry. I just asked all of the questions that came to me and completely held it together. I was so calm and so matter of fact. The doctor told me that we would have to put everything on hold and that it would require surgery. However he is booked way out so it would be mid to end of November if they were able to squeeze me in. Otherwise, it could be after the first of the year.
I took a deep breath and just said, "okay. Let's do it." My husband remained so calm. He keeps any part of me that wants to flip out very calm. He is my perfect match. I love him so.
My surgery is scheduled for November 13 at 7:30am. I am full of hope that this will be the final step.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Baby McAdams is already so loved and he or she isn't even on their way...yet ;)
<3 Lori
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Keep Calm and Carry On
I know I promised to update this more...that wasn't an empty promise. But, things happen...life happens. Sorry! But, I'm here now so that's what counts :)
We had an appointment last Monday at a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have a few friends that have used this particular doctor so I wanted to at least consult with him and see if he had a different take on our situation. He usually has a 6-8 month wait to get in with him so I have had this appointment for a while.
A couple of weeks ago I had another negative test. Another one that I took and placed on the counter and went to the bedroom and begged God to make both lines appear on. Another one that had only one line. It wasn't any different than the thousand others I've taken. But a dam broke in me that day and I cried. I screamed...I yelled...I cried that horrid ugly cry that nobody wants anyone to see. EVER. I told God I was mad at Him. I told my husband to leave me because I can't even give him a child and he deserves children. It's all my fault...not his. I gave up. I told him that God wasn't listening to me and that the only thing I've ever begged him for is the ONE thing He won't give me. I threw my hands up and said to everyone I know, " I.AM.DONE." And I meant it.
Evidently my Heavenly Father (so thankful that he allows me to be raw and real with Him and forgives me for it) got a kick out of that. The next morning the clinic where I've been waiting to get in called me and had an opening for the following Monday. OK God. I'll shut up now. ;)
The night before the appointment I was a nervous wreck. I felt totally unprepared. I was so anxious. As I was scrolling through facebook trying to get my mind off of it, I came across a post that had the Bible verse, Phillipians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Ironically one of my facebook friends...a girl I went to school with in Hallsville..had shared that verse with me on my meltdown status as well. I know God sent me those words. And I soaked them in as much as I could. When Jake and I were getting ready to pray before bed, I told him that I didn't want him to pray for a miracle (which is what we pray for every single night). I just wanted him to pray for peace. I wanted him to pray that when we left the appointment we would know if this was the doctor for us and if it was, that God would guide his hands and give him the knowledge to know what will work for us. And what steps God wants us to take. So, he did. I was convinced that we were going to have to do IVF. I just knew that was our only remaining option. I figured when he saw my records and all of my test results, he would tell me that we have to do IVF and that's it.
Praise GOD I was wrong.
I'm not going to go into all of the details of what is going to be taking place over the next few months but I will say that we left that appointment with complete peace. We KNOW this is where God wants us to be and we feel completely confident that this doctor's plan is going to work. I will share as we are ready. I just ask you all to please please pray that this will work and that we won't have to wait much longer. If you are going through your day and either of us pop in your head, please just say a quick prayer for us. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers and just need them to keep coming. God knows our hearts. And we know that He hears every one.
Praying for Baby McAdams to arrive in 2014 :)
I recently heard that this song was written by Pink after suffering a miscarriage. Most of you know Jake and I went through that in July 2010. Anyway, listen to the words. So sweet. Dare you not to cry! ;)
<3
Lori
We had an appointment last Monday at a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have a few friends that have used this particular doctor so I wanted to at least consult with him and see if he had a different take on our situation. He usually has a 6-8 month wait to get in with him so I have had this appointment for a while.
A couple of weeks ago I had another negative test. Another one that I took and placed on the counter and went to the bedroom and begged God to make both lines appear on. Another one that had only one line. It wasn't any different than the thousand others I've taken. But a dam broke in me that day and I cried. I screamed...I yelled...I cried that horrid ugly cry that nobody wants anyone to see. EVER. I told God I was mad at Him. I told my husband to leave me because I can't even give him a child and he deserves children. It's all my fault...not his. I gave up. I told him that God wasn't listening to me and that the only thing I've ever begged him for is the ONE thing He won't give me. I threw my hands up and said to everyone I know, " I.AM.DONE." And I meant it.
Evidently my Heavenly Father (so thankful that he allows me to be raw and real with Him and forgives me for it) got a kick out of that. The next morning the clinic where I've been waiting to get in called me and had an opening for the following Monday. OK God. I'll shut up now. ;)
The night before the appointment I was a nervous wreck. I felt totally unprepared. I was so anxious. As I was scrolling through facebook trying to get my mind off of it, I came across a post that had the Bible verse, Phillipians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Ironically one of my facebook friends...a girl I went to school with in Hallsville..had shared that verse with me on my meltdown status as well. I know God sent me those words. And I soaked them in as much as I could. When Jake and I were getting ready to pray before bed, I told him that I didn't want him to pray for a miracle (which is what we pray for every single night). I just wanted him to pray for peace. I wanted him to pray that when we left the appointment we would know if this was the doctor for us and if it was, that God would guide his hands and give him the knowledge to know what will work for us. And what steps God wants us to take. So, he did. I was convinced that we were going to have to do IVF. I just knew that was our only remaining option. I figured when he saw my records and all of my test results, he would tell me that we have to do IVF and that's it.
Praise GOD I was wrong.
I'm not going to go into all of the details of what is going to be taking place over the next few months but I will say that we left that appointment with complete peace. We KNOW this is where God wants us to be and we feel completely confident that this doctor's plan is going to work. I will share as we are ready. I just ask you all to please please pray that this will work and that we won't have to wait much longer. If you are going through your day and either of us pop in your head, please just say a quick prayer for us. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers and just need them to keep coming. God knows our hearts. And we know that He hears every one.
Praying for Baby McAdams to arrive in 2014 :)
I recently heard that this song was written by Pink after suffering a miscarriage. Most of you know Jake and I went through that in July 2010. Anyway, listen to the words. So sweet. Dare you not to cry! ;)
Lori
Friday, April 19, 2013
You are who You are...No matter where I am
I have been way to busy for far too long. We have had so much happen since my last blog. I promise to try to do this more often. (key word: try)
For starters, we are now HOME OWNERS!!! YAY!!! I am totally in love with our new home. We are still working on getting settled in but it is so much fun being able to do what we (I) want to the house. lol! Jake really doesn't care...he is happy with his recliner and his bathroom! HA!
Today was a rough day for me...I really don't know that I want to go into too much detail, other than to say, we thought we were pregnant, and it turns out we were wrong. I know there are many of you that have been through this. You've seen this heartache and felt the void. So, you know where I am today. I'm sad. I'm sad that all the plans I was making in my head aren't going to happen just yet. I'm sad that I wasn't able to see a smile on my husbands face when he read the results. I'm sad that this room that I'm sitting in right now is still going to be called "the office" and not "the nursery." But, I'm OK. Not completely, but I will be. No, I don't want to talk about it. When I do, I cry. And I'm tired of crying. So, I've been doing what I do best...staying busy!
Jake is HOME! I love this. He is not going to be away from home anymore. Sure, he will still have to go out of town some. That is, after all, the nature of the oilfield. But, he is based in Longview. Shop days will be in Longview. He is home with me and that is a HUGE prayer that God has answered for us.
We have asked a lot of God this year and He has been so good to us.
He provided us with the ability to purchase my fabulous car!
We celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary!
We are the proud owners of a beautiful new home!
So, of course, since my timing is so much more perfect for me than His (insert sarcasm), now I say it's time for our baby to come. Of course, I know too well that it's so not about my timing. This is one part of my life that I don't get to control. It is all up to Him. So, that being said, we are praying. Actively. Begging some days, that we will be parents soon. We have a couple of appointments set. I'll share those when I feel like the time is right. It is our heart's desire to pursue the road that God wants us to travel down.
I'm asking you, our friends and family, to not only pray with us and for us that God will see it in His will to bless our home with our baby. We ask that you pray for us to have peace during the waiting process. And that we can find joy in knowing that He will not let us down. <3
As for us, for now, we are praising Him in this storm. Sometimes, it's more of a whisper than a shout. But we are trying...because every tear we've cried, He holds in His hands.
Here's a few more pictures to catch you up with our life: We have a new nephew born 12/23/12 named Sawyer James Riley! He is pictured here with my sweet daddy.
For starters, we are now HOME OWNERS!!! YAY!!! I am totally in love with our new home. We are still working on getting settled in but it is so much fun being able to do what we (I) want to the house. lol! Jake really doesn't care...he is happy with his recliner and his bathroom! HA!
Today was a rough day for me...I really don't know that I want to go into too much detail, other than to say, we thought we were pregnant, and it turns out we were wrong. I know there are many of you that have been through this. You've seen this heartache and felt the void. So, you know where I am today. I'm sad. I'm sad that all the plans I was making in my head aren't going to happen just yet. I'm sad that I wasn't able to see a smile on my husbands face when he read the results. I'm sad that this room that I'm sitting in right now is still going to be called "the office" and not "the nursery." But, I'm OK. Not completely, but I will be. No, I don't want to talk about it. When I do, I cry. And I'm tired of crying. So, I've been doing what I do best...staying busy!
Jake is HOME! I love this. He is not going to be away from home anymore. Sure, he will still have to go out of town some. That is, after all, the nature of the oilfield. But, he is based in Longview. Shop days will be in Longview. He is home with me and that is a HUGE prayer that God has answered for us.
We have asked a lot of God this year and He has been so good to us.
He provided us with the ability to purchase my fabulous car!
We celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary!
We are the proud owners of a beautiful new home!
So, of course, since my timing is so much more perfect for me than His (insert sarcasm), now I say it's time for our baby to come. Of course, I know too well that it's so not about my timing. This is one part of my life that I don't get to control. It is all up to Him. So, that being said, we are praying. Actively. Begging some days, that we will be parents soon. We have a couple of appointments set. I'll share those when I feel like the time is right. It is our heart's desire to pursue the road that God wants us to travel down.
I'm asking you, our friends and family, to not only pray with us and for us that God will see it in His will to bless our home with our baby. We ask that you pray for us to have peace during the waiting process. And that we can find joy in knowing that He will not let us down. <3
As for us, for now, we are praising Him in this storm. Sometimes, it's more of a whisper than a shout. But we are trying...because every tear we've cried, He holds in His hands.
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| I adore this picture. I adore this man. |
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| Uncle Jake and his boys |
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| Christmas Eve with my favorite boys Khaunor & Carlisle |
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| me & Khaunor |
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| Me and Sawyer...he was so tiny! |
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| Leighton bug :) |
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| Mom, Dustin & Sawyer |
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| Me & my baby daddy! |
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| part of a note he wrote me before leaving for a 2 week hitch. |
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| FaceTime with my Princess Leighton |
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| my boyfriend ;) |
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| I love this car! One of our Christmas pictures ;) This is Kelly Clarkson singing with Jason Aldean at the concert
Sound quality on this video isn't great but it was amazing live!!!
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| Sawyer and my Daddy |
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