Five Loaves and 2 Fish

In Luke 9:16 in the Bible, the story of the bread and fish is told. Most of us know this story, but for those who don't...here it is.

 16 Then He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, He blessed them, and broke them, and kept giving them to the disciples to set before the people. 17 And they all ate and were satisfied; and the broken pieces which they had left over were picked up, twelve baskets full.

A few weeks ago, we did our final IUI. It was unsuccessful. I don't think that I would have taken the news so hard, if it hadn't been followed with the news we received.  "We've gone as far as we can go. IVF is where we need to go."

I cried. A LOT. I screamed. EVEN MORE. And I yelled at my husband, at my family, and at God.

I was SO MAD. I have prayed. I have thousands of people praying with me and for me. I have done everything I know to do. WHY DOES GOD HATE ME!?!? WHY IS HE PUNISHING ME?!?

I am SO GLAD He forgives my temper tantrums. Because that's literally what I had...complete with laying in the floor and kicking and screaming. Yeah, it was ugly. And, for my sweet husband's sake, I hope I can maintain my composure and never do that again. lol!

My bestie text me and and said she was coming to see me. She always knows when I really just need her to come over. She showed up with a bouquet of flowers...oh how I love her. We went to dinner and she told me that "we" could do this.

How? It seems so huge! There's no way we can come up with $15000.00. We don't have that kind of money!

Well, "we" can't. But God can.

In less than 24 hours, we had over $300 donated to our account. We started selling these bracelets and people got interested.

We decided to have a garage sale. We asked for donations...and I cleaned out my house. We (me and Jake) said we would sell everything we own if that's what it takes. We are going to walk by Faith and show our determination.

This is where the parable above comes in.

When I tell you that we are STILL getting donations for our sales, I am NOT exaggerating. We had SO much stuff that we didn't even know what to do with it. My garage is packed floor to ceiling still and we had a 3 day sale this past weekend at my house.

We raised a grand total of $2900.00 at that sale.

Hello, God. Thank you! Thank you for putting me in my place once again. And Thank you for showing me what You can do with your people.

I have had friends and family donate continuously. We are having another sale on 9/6 in Quitman. Then another one back in Longview on 9/20.

Our account total right now is at almost $6000.00.  Yes. in less than a month, we have raised that much!

I love EACH AND EVERY ONE of you. Jake does too! He is working hard and trying to work extra when he can to help speed up the process. All the proceeds for any cakes I do from beginning to end are going in this account.

This is super exciting and we are getting there quickly! Thank you for reading, praying, and sharing in our journey.

Love, Lori
#teambaby #matthew21:22

Once Upon A Time...

I had to share this somewhere. I didn't want to post it on facebook because I didn't want the millions of questions and the "congratulations" from those who just see the pic and don't read the caption...I just had to acknowledge it. Because, if for nobody else, this was and is still important to us.

I downloaded this app called TimeHop a couple of weeks ago. It's been really cool looking back at what I posted 4-5 years ago. Seeing how young I look...reading the posts about me and Jake getting engaged. Wedding planning....etc etc.

Until yesterday.

This was on my timehop. I literally felt my heart break. I knew the date was coming up. But, I guess I was hoping it would skip over this post. I actually thought I had deleted it...

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember looking at that pregnancy test and thinking...no way. Are you sure??? I started crying and laughing at the same time. I was on birth control. This isn't even possible! WHAT?!?! I immediately called Jake and he came running in there and I handed him the test and he just smiled and hugged me and said "Congrats!" lol

Congrats? Um...what? 

Then he took a minute to let it sink in and he turned around and looked at me and said, "I'm gonna be a daddy! You're gonna be a mommy!" And the tears fell.

We left and went straight to my moms house. I walked in the door and she was waiting on me. She said, "what's wrong?" I said, "Mom...I'm gonna have a baby!" She jumped up and was crying by the time she grabbed me and kissed my cheek. She just kept saying over and over how happy she was. She hugged Jake and hugged me again. It was a beautiful moment. One that I will never ever forget. 

I called my sister at work. She was 8 months pregnant with Carlisle. She answered the phone and I said, "Sissy I have something to tell you. I'm pregnant!" She started crying. Yes. MY SISTER. lol! I went up to see her and she came up and hugged me and had tears running down her face. She was so happy. 

I was so happy. 

We were SO happy.

We went to the doctor and got our due date that day. I started planning. It was the most exciting feeling I've ever experienced.

I can't wait to feel that again.

I'll miss you every day of my life until I see you again my sweet baby.

Love, 

Baby McAdams' Mommy

Preparing our Tent

As most of you all know, we are back on track with our treatments. We went to see my RE and he cleared us to start the shots. This is something we have been trying to do since March. It's VERY expensive. But, we are willing to do whatever we have to do in order to pursue our dream :)

In my last post, I mentioned that I was really struggling with "Letting Go" and giving this completely to God. Now, mind you, it's not because I haven't wanted to...or even that I haven't tried. But I just felt like I had to hold on to a little of it. Just a smidgen.

Completely ridiculous on my part. lol!

After a very heartfelt conversation with my brother, I knew that I needed to turn it loose. He called me concerned about my well-being after a post I made about feeling like I was starting to get very depressed. He wasn't judging me whatsoever. He just kept telling me that he felt like he had some things laid on his heart that he needed to tell me. I listened to every word and I can honestly say that I felt so honored that he cared enough to call me and share what was on his heart.

So, I talked to my mom about it...and of course my husband. And, then I prayed. I asked God to take this fear away from me. The fear of letting go and the fear of failure and disappointment. I felt it leave my body. Like a huge burden just floated off of my shoulders and I felt free.

The time came for me to go see my RE this past Friday and for the first time, I wasn't scared. I was confident. I felt sure that we would be good to go. I normally post and ask everyone to pray for us before these appointments but I didn't really feel that way. I sent a few private messages to my close friends who have been praying us through this just to inform them of what was going on but that was it. And, just as I expected...everything was good!

Well, I started the injections on Saturday.  My mom gives them to me in my tummy. They are just little needles and it's relatively painless. But, I can't do it to myself. Lol! So, she blesses me with her nursing skills and takes care of it for me. Her husband told me last night, "Every time I see you you're shooting up!" lol! I was mixing the meds and it gave me a good laugh. Oh the stories I will have to share with our children when they get here :)

Yesterday as I was climbing into the pool at home, a facebook message popped up from my cousin, Jessica. This is what it said, "Isaiah 54:1-3 It was our message this morning and God put you on my heart!" I sent back a smile and told her thank you and that I would read it. I immediately went to the Bible app and searched for the scripture. This is what I read:
                  
“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband says the Lord. “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities."

Wow. Pretty powerful stuff. She then sent to me " I couldn't shake it and I knew God needed me to share it with you. The minute we started service, I had you on my heart." I replied "That's so cool. I read it to Jake and he said, what does that mean? lol. I said Looks like we need to start preparing our tent!;)" She said, "Our message after that scripture was be expecting that God is going to do it not just hopeful that he might!"  

This just smacked me right in the face and I got tears in my eyes. I told my mom about it when we went over for my shot and she thought it was pretty cool too.

So...here we go... we will start "preparing our tent" 

Love, 

Lori

Open My Eyes

Throughout this journey, adoption has never really been something that we have considered. Not that it's not a good idea. Just not something that our hearts were compelled toward.

I will admit that there was a time that I asked Jake, "What if we are never able to get pregnant? Are you willing to adopt?" His answer was a firm "No." I asked him to explain why and he did. In order to respect his privacy, I will just say that I understood his reasoning...but prayed for God to soften his heart when and if the time was right.

On Monday, after I posted "Still Waiting" I got a few messages from different people asking me if we had considered adoption, or more-so encouraging us to consider it. I, of course, in protection of Jake's wishes, shut it down graciously.

Tuesday morning, I got a call that I never expected to get. Due to the legality of the matter, I won't be able to give a ton of information on this, but I will share what I can. The call was regarding a family with 6 children that needed placement. The children ranged from 7 months to 7 years. Their living conditions were unacceptable and Child Protective Services was involved. We were told the parents had until today (Thursday) to voluntarily place the children, or the state would be placing them.

Oh, Lord, what are You doing? Is this the answer to my "Why?" Is this the way you're going to give us our miracle?

ALL of these thoughts rushed through my head as tears ran down my face wondering what in the world we were going to do and if Jake would even be willing. I called him and he said he needed to think about it. I started praying. I prayed that God would make it so obvious to us if this is what we are supposed to do that we would not be able to shake it. I prayed for His peace if it wasn't in His will. I called back and asked more questions. Were the children going to be placed for adoption? Was this temporary or what? I knew in my heart that I am not made to be a foster parent. I had a very close family friend growing up that was a foster parent. She and her husband had two different children placed with them and two different times.  And both were supposed to stay...and then didn't. I can remember seeing her cry. You know that ugly cry that is heart-wrenching to anyone and incapable of being comforted. That has stayed with me my whole life. I remember how much it hurt ME when those little ones were taken back. I VOWED to never allow myself to experience that kind of pain. So, that was important for me to know.

I prayed to God, "Lord, Please don't let me bring these children home if they won't be mine. I can't give them back. Please slam the door shut if they will have to leave because you know my heart is too tender for that."

We made an appointment to go and meet the children. Oh my stars, it was life-changing. I can promise you that if I could, I would have loaded up all 6 of those kids and brought them home with me. But, that's just not feasible for us. I couldn't get a good feeling while we were out there and I could tell Jake couldn't either so we chose to go home and pray for the kids to be placed where they needed to be. But, we just didn't feel like it was what we were supposed to do.

Well, all night I couldn't shake it. I just kept crying thinking about those kids and that I just knew they thought we didn't want them. I cried and prayed and talked to Jake. I dreamed about them. I couldn't shake it. So, I woke Jake up and told him that God just wasn't letting me let this go. He told me to go get two of the little girls. The 4 year old and the 7 month old.

I called and told them what we were willing to do...and even then I was still thinking about taking the oldest one as well. I rushed to go get car seats and started calling around trying to find a baby bed and a twin size bed. I was laughing and crying at the same time because I was scared to death but I knew that God would hear my cry. I knew that if He was letting this happen, they were going to be ours. He is the keeper of our hearts and I KNOW He will protect them when we ask Him to.

I was literally pulling into park to get the car seats when I got another call.

The state won't allow the children to be separated.

One would think that I would have lost it at that point. But, I just took a deep breath and said, "OK" I prayed and thanked God for keeping us safe. I prayed and asked Him to protect the children and place them where He wants them.

Now, the whole reason I'm sharing this story is not for pity for me and Jake or even for the children involved. Although, I will ask you to pray your socks off for these kids because they need TONS of love. I don't think they will ever go back to their parents but I don't know that for certain. I just want them to be safe and loved the way they deserve to be. They are so precious. And they have changed me forever and have no idea. The reason I am sharing this is because, if for no other reason, this whole experience has changed my heart and my husband's heart. We are still going to fight with all we have to be able to bring a child into this world. But, the Lord said we are to love the least of these...and that's what we want to do.

I am working on giving this completely and totally to Him. That is HARD. I want to just hold on to a little bit so I'm in control of it. The funny thing is, I'm not in control of this AT ALL. So, please pray for me to be able to let Him take the wheel. I know that then and only then will I be able to be at peace with this. So thankful for a prayerful, God-fearing "little" brother who loves me enough to remind me of this. :)

<3 Lori

Still waiting

I kept thinking that I would wait to post when I could make THE big announcement. You know, the "Woohoo we're pregnant" post. But, here we are 7 months since the last post and it still hasn't happened. So, I will catch you up on what has been going on thus far and it will probably be pretty emotional and raw because today, for me, is a really bad day. It started yesterday and I don't think I've gone longer than a couple of hours without crying since.

The surgery was definitely successful. We went for our post op appointment and everything was perfect! We were so excited. I started my medication and on day 14 of that cycle, we had an egg! That was the first time I had a confirmed ovulation throughout this entire journey. We did our first IUI and just KNEW it was successful. On January 27, I went for my HCG blood test and it was negative. I cried. A LOT. But, I just got myself together and said, "We are closer than we've ever been. This is not over. We will try again next month." I found myself comforting my friends who were sad for me. I found an inner strength (through Jesus) that I had never experienced before. So, we started over and in February, I had 3 eggs! I was SO excited. Everyone was! I feel like there are so many people going through this journey with us and that means so much to us both. We did another IUI, and it was negative. That was hard. I couldn't understand why out of 3 eggs one didn't take. But, once again, I put on a happy face and told everyone "Hey! It's okay! We are only getting better, not worse! It's gonna happen! Let's do this!" So, again in March, we started the medication and kept right on rolling. This time, we only got 1 egg. That's all it takes, though, right? So, I was hopefully optimistic, once again. And, once again, we did not get pregnant.

Now, I am one of the people who says, "We have 3 failed IUI's" We said we weren't going to do more than 3. We said if the 3rd didn't work we were going to move straight to IVF. That was our deal. We have to stick to the plan.

HA.

I went in (Jake was out of town working) for our IVF consultation and had a long talk with Dr. Vandermollen. He was very encouraging, as always. He told me that he just doesn't believe we are going to have to go to IVF. There's no reason (medically speaking) that I can't get pregnant and have a baby. None. So, he wanted us to do a cycle with injectible medication. Which, of course is EXTREMELY expensive. But, still, not as expensive as IVF. So, after going home and facetiming with Jake, we decided to do just that. We waited for my next cycle and when we went in to make sure we were clear to proceed, we were put on hold.

I had 3 cysts.

It was like a smack in the face. I swallowed the huge lump in throat and asked the dr what that meant. He said we would have to wait a month and then come back and see if they went away on their own. Great. So, I got to my car and cried. I called Jake and told him. He, of course because he is my rock, told me it's okay and just to take this chance to relax and breathe without working about cycle days and charting and everything else that consumes every single day of our life.

I went back in May just knowing everything would be clear. Not so. I had actually ovulated on my own, and those eggs had left behind tiny cysts in different places. So, the good news was the other cysts had disappeared and my body is working properly without meds. The bad news is, we have to go on birth control now for a month so that my ovaries will "rest" and the cysts will go away.

Birth control? WHAT?!?!?!? Yeah, I hate it. Seems like such a backwards leap. But, I know medically speaking it makes sense and that's what I'm paying this Dr for so, I did what he said.

Now, here we are in June. I thought we would for sure be good now. Jake and I went to the clinic and the nurse checked my right side and it was clear! I was relieved. Then, the left side...has a tiny cyst (16mm). They decided to do a blood count of my estrogen level. They were sure it would be fine and we could go ahead and proceed because that cyst was so small, surely it wasn't producing any hormones.

Wrong.

So, here I am another month of birth control. Another month of waiting to see if we can move forward. Another month of being reminded that I am quickly approaching 36 and all of my friends have kids that are in high school. I am running out of time. My husband doesn't deserve this. It's all my fault.

I know these are all super negative thoughts. But, I told you this would be pretty raw.  I'm sad. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my dream.

I feel guilty for being sad. I feel like I need to suck it up because there are so many other people out there hurting so much. Their issues are so much bigger than mine. I feel selfish for crying. But, that doesn't dry my tears.

Hopefully when we go back in July, we will be able to move forward. This has been a long 4 years of trying. And, I'm just emotionally worn out. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I don't want to hear " Well, you're like a mother to so many children." I don't want to be LIKE a mother. I want to be A MOTHER. I want my husband to be a father. I want all the good and bad that comes with being a parent. I don't care how hard it is. I want it. All of it.

Lord, please hear my broken-hearted plea.  You know my heart. And, it is my heart's desire to be a mom.  I want to have a family that will honor and glorify you. Lord, I am not too proud to beg you. Please. Please give us our miracle. Please don't delay.

<3 Lori

One Week

In one week this will all be over.

In one week this cyst will not be in my body anymore.

In one week the one thing that is (potentially) standing between me and motherhood will be history.

One week.

I'm scared to death.

I went to the doctor for my follow up a couple of weeks ago. The cyst had grown...a lot. It grew enough in the short period of time that my doctor was even surprised. He just scratched his head and looked at me.

Then he said the words I never expected to hear: I may have to take your ovary. This could be cancer.

Wait, what?

He then commenced to tell me what my "survival rate" will be if it's this type or if it's that type. He kept saying "if your cancer" this and "if your cancer" that. I stopped him mid-sentence and asked him, "Are you telling me that I have cancer?" He said, "No. But I'll be honest with you. I am worried."

I am not claiming cancer. I am not owning it. I will come out of this surgery with both ovaries in tact and fully functional and cancer free.

That's what my heart says.

But I'm still afraid. Even though I know that fear is not of the Lord. The Lord has not given us a spirit of fear. He says so in His Word.

Please pray for me and especially for my sweet husband.

He is scared too.

Surgery is next Wednesday at 7:30. If you have any questions, Jake will have my phone.

<3
Lori

HE IS ABLE!!!

I have not posted an update until now because I have been waiting until I had all of the information to share. Now I do, so here I am :)

First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you who have read my blog and are praying us through this emotionally and physically taxing journey. There are some days that I just feel like I can't do it anymore. But, God has not given us a spirit of fear, so I tell Satan to leave me alone and keep on keeping on.

Growing up in church, I sang in the children's and youth choirs. I loved to sing the special music on Sundays and would fight through the butterflies to do so every chance I got. One of my most favorite songs to sing was "He is Able."  I had no idea how much that song would come to mean to me as an adult. It is so true...and I catch myself humming it more and more these days.  Here are the lyrics:

                                "Like peering through a window blurred with rain,
                                  emotions run together in a flood of doubt & pain.
                      We've prayed as best we can. Now we must leave it in His hands.

                               Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
                             Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
                       And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
                                Confident He's working all together for my good
                                And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.

                                     Questions seem to haunt us night and day
                           How could my God allow my heart to be torn this way?
                               Does He listen when I call? Is He even there at all?

                               Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
                              Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
                     And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
                              Confident He's working all together for my good
                                And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.

                                                            He is ABLE!

                     And as the night gives way to dawning and evaporates away
                                             I stand to face another day
                 And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE! HE IS ABLE!
                                                          HE IS ABLE!!!!

Wow. What a message, right?

So, here's the deal: We went to our RE on September 29 with the belief that we were going for our baseline to begin the steps for our first procedure in assisted conception of our miracle baby. Well, that morning I prayed while I was in the shower. I told God, "Lord, I'm giving this to you. All of it. I know I have always held on to a little bit of it...but as of today, I am laying it all at Your feet. I am asking you to see this through and to bring our dream of being parents to not only our heavenly baby but a baby we can honor You with here on Earth to fruition. I love you and I thank you in advance because I know you hear my cry."

Now that may seem fairly insignificant to some...but that was the hardest thing for me to do. But the instant I said it and actually MEANT it, I felt a HUGE release. It was as if I physically felt my precious Savior take this burden from me. I have never felt so free.

We got to the doctor's office and everything seemed to be going fine until he told me that he had found a cyst. Same place. Same size.

I felt like I was thrown backward. I felt myself starting to spiral.

Then I heard Jesus' voice in my ear, " I already knew about this. Trust in me."

There were no tears. I couldn't cry. I just asked all of the questions that came to me and completely held it together. I was so calm and so matter of fact. The doctor told me that we would have to put everything on hold and that it would require surgery. However he is booked way out so it would be mid to end of November if they were able to squeeze me in. Otherwise, it could be after the first of the year.

I took a deep breath and just said, "okay. Let's do it." My husband remained so calm. He keeps any part of me that wants to flip out very calm. He is my perfect match. I love him so.

My surgery is scheduled for November 13 at 7:30am. I am full of hope that this will be the final step.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Baby McAdams is already so loved and he or she isn't even on their way...yet ;)

<3 Lori