Throughout this journey, adoption has never really been something that we have considered. Not that it's not a good idea. Just not something that our hearts were compelled toward.
I will admit that there was a time that I asked Jake, "What if we are never able to get pregnant? Are you willing to adopt?" His answer was a firm "No." I asked him to explain why and he did. In order to respect his privacy, I will just say that I understood his reasoning...but prayed for God to soften his heart when and if the time was right.
On Monday, after I posted "Still Waiting" I got a few messages from different people asking me if we had considered adoption, or more-so encouraging us to consider it. I, of course, in protection of Jake's wishes, shut it down graciously.
Tuesday morning, I got a call that I never expected to get. Due to the legality of the matter, I won't be able to give a ton of information on this, but I will share what I can. The call was regarding a family with 6 children that needed placement. The children ranged from 7 months to 7 years. Their living conditions were unacceptable and Child Protective Services was involved. We were told the parents had until today (Thursday) to voluntarily place the children, or the state would be placing them.
Oh, Lord, what are You doing? Is this the answer to my "Why?" Is this the way you're going to give us our miracle?
ALL of these thoughts rushed through my head as tears ran down my face wondering what in the world we were going to do and if Jake would even be willing. I called him and he said he needed to think about it. I started praying. I prayed that God would make it so obvious to us if this is what we are supposed to do that we would not be able to shake it. I prayed for His peace if it wasn't in His will. I called back and asked more questions. Were the children going to be placed for adoption? Was this temporary or what? I knew in my heart that I am not made to be a foster parent. I had a very close family friend growing up that was a foster parent. She and her husband had two different children placed with them and two different times. And both were supposed to stay...and then didn't. I can remember seeing her cry. You know that ugly cry that is heart-wrenching to anyone and incapable of being comforted. That has stayed with me my whole life. I remember how much it hurt ME when those little ones were taken back. I VOWED to never allow myself to experience that kind of pain. So, that was important for me to know.
I prayed to God, "Lord, Please don't let me bring these children home if they won't be mine. I can't give them back. Please slam the door shut if they will have to leave because you know my heart is too tender for that."
We made an appointment to go and meet the children. Oh my stars, it was life-changing. I can promise you that if I could, I would have loaded up all 6 of those kids and brought them home with me. But, that's just not feasible for us. I couldn't get a good feeling while we were out there and I could tell Jake couldn't either so we chose to go home and pray for the kids to be placed where they needed to be. But, we just didn't feel like it was what we were supposed to do.
Well, all night I couldn't shake it. I just kept crying thinking about those kids and that I just knew they thought we didn't want them. I cried and prayed and talked to Jake. I dreamed about them. I couldn't shake it. So, I woke Jake up and told him that God just wasn't letting me let this go. He told me to go get two of the little girls. The 4 year old and the 7 month old.
I called and told them what we were willing to do...and even then I was still thinking about taking the oldest one as well. I rushed to go get car seats and started calling around trying to find a baby bed and a twin size bed. I was laughing and crying at the same time because I was scared to death but I knew that God would hear my cry. I knew that if He was letting this happen, they were going to be ours. He is the keeper of our hearts and I KNOW He will protect them when we ask Him to.
I was literally pulling into park to get the car seats when I got another call.
The state won't allow the children to be separated.
One would think that I would have lost it at that point. But, I just took a deep breath and said, "OK" I prayed and thanked God for keeping us safe. I prayed and asked Him to protect the children and place them where He wants them.
Now, the whole reason I'm sharing this story is not for pity for me and Jake or even for the children involved. Although, I will ask you to pray your socks off for these kids because they need TONS of love. I don't think they will ever go back to their parents but I don't know that for certain. I just want them to be safe and loved the way they deserve to be. They are so precious. And they have changed me forever and have no idea. The reason I am sharing this is because, if for no other reason, this whole experience has changed my heart and my husband's heart. We are still going to fight with all we have to be able to bring a child into this world. But, the Lord said we are to love the least of these...and that's what we want to do.
I am working on giving this completely and totally to Him. That is HARD. I want to just hold on to a little bit so I'm in control of it. The funny thing is, I'm not in control of this AT ALL. So, please pray for me to be able to let Him take the wheel. I know that then and only then will I be able to be at peace with this. So thankful for a prayerful, God-fearing "little" brother who loves me enough to remind me of this. :)
<3 Lori
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
Still waiting
I kept thinking that I would wait to post when I could make THE big announcement. You know, the "Woohoo we're pregnant" post. But, here we are 7 months since the last post and it still hasn't happened. So, I will catch you up on what has been going on thus far and it will probably be pretty emotional and raw because today, for me, is a really bad day. It started yesterday and I don't think I've gone longer than a couple of hours without crying since.
The surgery was definitely successful. We went for our post op appointment and everything was perfect! We were so excited. I started my medication and on day 14 of that cycle, we had an egg! That was the first time I had a confirmed ovulation throughout this entire journey. We did our first IUI and just KNEW it was successful. On January 27, I went for my HCG blood test and it was negative. I cried. A LOT. But, I just got myself together and said, "We are closer than we've ever been. This is not over. We will try again next month." I found myself comforting my friends who were sad for me. I found an inner strength (through Jesus) that I had never experienced before. So, we started over and in February, I had 3 eggs! I was SO excited. Everyone was! I feel like there are so many people going through this journey with us and that means so much to us both. We did another IUI, and it was negative. That was hard. I couldn't understand why out of 3 eggs one didn't take. But, once again, I put on a happy face and told everyone "Hey! It's okay! We are only getting better, not worse! It's gonna happen! Let's do this!" So, again in March, we started the medication and kept right on rolling. This time, we only got 1 egg. That's all it takes, though, right? So, I was hopefully optimistic, once again. And, once again, we did not get pregnant.
Now, I am one of the people who says, "We have 3 failed IUI's" We said we weren't going to do more than 3. We said if the 3rd didn't work we were going to move straight to IVF. That was our deal. We have to stick to the plan.
HA.
I went in (Jake was out of town working) for our IVF consultation and had a long talk with Dr. Vandermollen. He was very encouraging, as always. He told me that he just doesn't believe we are going to have to go to IVF. There's no reason (medically speaking) that I can't get pregnant and have a baby. None. So, he wanted us to do a cycle with injectible medication. Which, of course is EXTREMELY expensive. But, still, not as expensive as IVF. So, after going home and facetiming with Jake, we decided to do just that. We waited for my next cycle and when we went in to make sure we were clear to proceed, we were put on hold.
I had 3 cysts.
It was like a smack in the face. I swallowed the huge lump in throat and asked the dr what that meant. He said we would have to wait a month and then come back and see if they went away on their own. Great. So, I got to my car and cried. I called Jake and told him. He, of course because he is my rock, told me it's okay and just to take this chance to relax and breathe without working about cycle days and charting and everything else that consumes every single day of our life.
I went back in May just knowing everything would be clear. Not so. I had actually ovulated on my own, and those eggs had left behind tiny cysts in different places. So, the good news was the other cysts had disappeared and my body is working properly without meds. The bad news is, we have to go on birth control now for a month so that my ovaries will "rest" and the cysts will go away.
Birth control? WHAT?!?!?!? Yeah, I hate it. Seems like such a backwards leap. But, I know medically speaking it makes sense and that's what I'm paying this Dr for so, I did what he said.
Now, here we are in June. I thought we would for sure be good now. Jake and I went to the clinic and the nurse checked my right side and it was clear! I was relieved. Then, the left side...has a tiny cyst (16mm). They decided to do a blood count of my estrogen level. They were sure it would be fine and we could go ahead and proceed because that cyst was so small, surely it wasn't producing any hormones.
Wrong.
So, here I am another month of birth control. Another month of waiting to see if we can move forward. Another month of being reminded that I am quickly approaching 36 and all of my friends have kids that are in high school. I am running out of time. My husband doesn't deserve this. It's all my fault.
I know these are all super negative thoughts. But, I told you this would be pretty raw. I'm sad. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my dream.
I feel guilty for being sad. I feel like I need to suck it up because there are so many other people out there hurting so much. Their issues are so much bigger than mine. I feel selfish for crying. But, that doesn't dry my tears.
Hopefully when we go back in July, we will be able to move forward. This has been a long 4 years of trying. And, I'm just emotionally worn out. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I don't want to hear " Well, you're like a mother to so many children." I don't want to be LIKE a mother. I want to be A MOTHER. I want my husband to be a father. I want all the good and bad that comes with being a parent. I don't care how hard it is. I want it. All of it.
Lord, please hear my broken-hearted plea. You know my heart. And, it is my heart's desire to be a mom. I want to have a family that will honor and glorify you. Lord, I am not too proud to beg you. Please. Please give us our miracle. Please don't delay.
<3 Lori
The surgery was definitely successful. We went for our post op appointment and everything was perfect! We were so excited. I started my medication and on day 14 of that cycle, we had an egg! That was the first time I had a confirmed ovulation throughout this entire journey. We did our first IUI and just KNEW it was successful. On January 27, I went for my HCG blood test and it was negative. I cried. A LOT. But, I just got myself together and said, "We are closer than we've ever been. This is not over. We will try again next month." I found myself comforting my friends who were sad for me. I found an inner strength (through Jesus) that I had never experienced before. So, we started over and in February, I had 3 eggs! I was SO excited. Everyone was! I feel like there are so many people going through this journey with us and that means so much to us both. We did another IUI, and it was negative. That was hard. I couldn't understand why out of 3 eggs one didn't take. But, once again, I put on a happy face and told everyone "Hey! It's okay! We are only getting better, not worse! It's gonna happen! Let's do this!" So, again in March, we started the medication and kept right on rolling. This time, we only got 1 egg. That's all it takes, though, right? So, I was hopefully optimistic, once again. And, once again, we did not get pregnant.
Now, I am one of the people who says, "We have 3 failed IUI's" We said we weren't going to do more than 3. We said if the 3rd didn't work we were going to move straight to IVF. That was our deal. We have to stick to the plan.
HA.
I went in (Jake was out of town working) for our IVF consultation and had a long talk with Dr. Vandermollen. He was very encouraging, as always. He told me that he just doesn't believe we are going to have to go to IVF. There's no reason (medically speaking) that I can't get pregnant and have a baby. None. So, he wanted us to do a cycle with injectible medication. Which, of course is EXTREMELY expensive. But, still, not as expensive as IVF. So, after going home and facetiming with Jake, we decided to do just that. We waited for my next cycle and when we went in to make sure we were clear to proceed, we were put on hold.
I had 3 cysts.
It was like a smack in the face. I swallowed the huge lump in throat and asked the dr what that meant. He said we would have to wait a month and then come back and see if they went away on their own. Great. So, I got to my car and cried. I called Jake and told him. He, of course because he is my rock, told me it's okay and just to take this chance to relax and breathe without working about cycle days and charting and everything else that consumes every single day of our life.
I went back in May just knowing everything would be clear. Not so. I had actually ovulated on my own, and those eggs had left behind tiny cysts in different places. So, the good news was the other cysts had disappeared and my body is working properly without meds. The bad news is, we have to go on birth control now for a month so that my ovaries will "rest" and the cysts will go away.
Birth control? WHAT?!?!?!? Yeah, I hate it. Seems like such a backwards leap. But, I know medically speaking it makes sense and that's what I'm paying this Dr for so, I did what he said.
Now, here we are in June. I thought we would for sure be good now. Jake and I went to the clinic and the nurse checked my right side and it was clear! I was relieved. Then, the left side...has a tiny cyst (16mm). They decided to do a blood count of my estrogen level. They were sure it would be fine and we could go ahead and proceed because that cyst was so small, surely it wasn't producing any hormones.
Wrong.
So, here I am another month of birth control. Another month of waiting to see if we can move forward. Another month of being reminded that I am quickly approaching 36 and all of my friends have kids that are in high school. I am running out of time. My husband doesn't deserve this. It's all my fault.
I know these are all super negative thoughts. But, I told you this would be pretty raw. I'm sad. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my dream.
I feel guilty for being sad. I feel like I need to suck it up because there are so many other people out there hurting so much. Their issues are so much bigger than mine. I feel selfish for crying. But, that doesn't dry my tears.
Hopefully when we go back in July, we will be able to move forward. This has been a long 4 years of trying. And, I'm just emotionally worn out. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I don't want to hear " Well, you're like a mother to so many children." I don't want to be LIKE a mother. I want to be A MOTHER. I want my husband to be a father. I want all the good and bad that comes with being a parent. I don't care how hard it is. I want it. All of it.
Lord, please hear my broken-hearted plea. You know my heart. And, it is my heart's desire to be a mom. I want to have a family that will honor and glorify you. Lord, I am not too proud to beg you. Please. Please give us our miracle. Please don't delay.
<3 Lori
Thursday, November 7, 2013
One Week
In one week this will all be over.
In one week this cyst will not be in my body anymore.
In one week the one thing that is (potentially) standing between me and motherhood will be history.
One week.
I'm scared to death.
I went to the doctor for my follow up a couple of weeks ago. The cyst had grown...a lot. It grew enough in the short period of time that my doctor was even surprised. He just scratched his head and looked at me.
Then he said the words I never expected to hear: I may have to take your ovary. This could be cancer.
Wait, what?
He then commenced to tell me what my "survival rate" will be if it's this type or if it's that type. He kept saying "if your cancer" this and "if your cancer" that. I stopped him mid-sentence and asked him, "Are you telling me that I have cancer?" He said, "No. But I'll be honest with you. I am worried."
I am not claiming cancer. I am not owning it. I will come out of this surgery with both ovaries in tact and fully functional and cancer free.
That's what my heart says.
But I'm still afraid. Even though I know that fear is not of the Lord. The Lord has not given us a spirit of fear. He says so in His Word.
Please pray for me and especially for my sweet husband.
He is scared too.
Surgery is next Wednesday at 7:30. If you have any questions, Jake will have my phone.
<3
Lori
In one week this cyst will not be in my body anymore.
In one week the one thing that is (potentially) standing between me and motherhood will be history.
One week.
I'm scared to death.
I went to the doctor for my follow up a couple of weeks ago. The cyst had grown...a lot. It grew enough in the short period of time that my doctor was even surprised. He just scratched his head and looked at me.
Then he said the words I never expected to hear: I may have to take your ovary. This could be cancer.
Wait, what?
He then commenced to tell me what my "survival rate" will be if it's this type or if it's that type. He kept saying "if your cancer" this and "if your cancer" that. I stopped him mid-sentence and asked him, "Are you telling me that I have cancer?" He said, "No. But I'll be honest with you. I am worried."
I am not claiming cancer. I am not owning it. I will come out of this surgery with both ovaries in tact and fully functional and cancer free.
That's what my heart says.
But I'm still afraid. Even though I know that fear is not of the Lord. The Lord has not given us a spirit of fear. He says so in His Word.
Please pray for me and especially for my sweet husband.
He is scared too.
Surgery is next Wednesday at 7:30. If you have any questions, Jake will have my phone.
<3
Lori
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
HE IS ABLE!!!
I have not posted an update until now because I have been waiting until I had all of the information to share. Now I do, so here I am :)
First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you who have read my blog and are praying us through this emotionally and physically taxing journey. There are some days that I just feel like I can't do it anymore. But, God has not given us a spirit of fear, so I tell Satan to leave me alone and keep on keeping on.
Growing up in church, I sang in the children's and youth choirs. I loved to sing the special music on Sundays and would fight through the butterflies to do so every chance I got. One of my most favorite songs to sing was "He is Able." I had no idea how much that song would come to mean to me as an adult. It is so true...and I catch myself humming it more and more these days. Here are the lyrics:
"Like peering through a window blurred with rain,
emotions run together in a flood of doubt & pain.
We've prayed as best we can. Now we must leave it in His hands.
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
Questions seem to haunt us night and day
How could my God allow my heart to be torn this way?
Does He listen when I call? Is He even there at all?
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
He is ABLE!
And as the night gives way to dawning and evaporates away
I stand to face another day
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE! HE IS ABLE!
HE IS ABLE!!!!
Wow. What a message, right?
So, here's the deal: We went to our RE on September 29 with the belief that we were going for our baseline to begin the steps for our first procedure in assisted conception of our miracle baby. Well, that morning I prayed while I was in the shower. I told God, "Lord, I'm giving this to you. All of it. I know I have always held on to a little bit of it...but as of today, I am laying it all at Your feet. I am asking you to see this through and to bring our dream of being parents to not only our heavenly baby but a baby we can honor You with here on Earth to fruition. I love you and I thank you in advance because I know you hear my cry."
Now that may seem fairly insignificant to some...but that was the hardest thing for me to do. But the instant I said it and actually MEANT it, I felt a HUGE release. It was as if I physically felt my precious Savior take this burden from me. I have never felt so free.
We got to the doctor's office and everything seemed to be going fine until he told me that he had found a cyst. Same place. Same size.
I felt like I was thrown backward. I felt myself starting to spiral.
Then I heard Jesus' voice in my ear, " I already knew about this. Trust in me."
There were no tears. I couldn't cry. I just asked all of the questions that came to me and completely held it together. I was so calm and so matter of fact. The doctor told me that we would have to put everything on hold and that it would require surgery. However he is booked way out so it would be mid to end of November if they were able to squeeze me in. Otherwise, it could be after the first of the year.
I took a deep breath and just said, "okay. Let's do it." My husband remained so calm. He keeps any part of me that wants to flip out very calm. He is my perfect match. I love him so.
My surgery is scheduled for November 13 at 7:30am. I am full of hope that this will be the final step.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Baby McAdams is already so loved and he or she isn't even on their way...yet ;)
<3 Lori
First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you who have read my blog and are praying us through this emotionally and physically taxing journey. There are some days that I just feel like I can't do it anymore. But, God has not given us a spirit of fear, so I tell Satan to leave me alone and keep on keeping on.
Growing up in church, I sang in the children's and youth choirs. I loved to sing the special music on Sundays and would fight through the butterflies to do so every chance I got. One of my most favorite songs to sing was "He is Able." I had no idea how much that song would come to mean to me as an adult. It is so true...and I catch myself humming it more and more these days. Here are the lyrics:
"Like peering through a window blurred with rain,
emotions run together in a flood of doubt & pain.
We've prayed as best we can. Now we must leave it in His hands.
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
Questions seem to haunt us night and day
How could my God allow my heart to be torn this way?
Does He listen when I call? Is He even there at all?
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
He is ABLE!
And as the night gives way to dawning and evaporates away
I stand to face another day
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE! HE IS ABLE!
HE IS ABLE!!!!
Wow. What a message, right?
So, here's the deal: We went to our RE on September 29 with the belief that we were going for our baseline to begin the steps for our first procedure in assisted conception of our miracle baby. Well, that morning I prayed while I was in the shower. I told God, "Lord, I'm giving this to you. All of it. I know I have always held on to a little bit of it...but as of today, I am laying it all at Your feet. I am asking you to see this through and to bring our dream of being parents to not only our heavenly baby but a baby we can honor You with here on Earth to fruition. I love you and I thank you in advance because I know you hear my cry."
Now that may seem fairly insignificant to some...but that was the hardest thing for me to do. But the instant I said it and actually MEANT it, I felt a HUGE release. It was as if I physically felt my precious Savior take this burden from me. I have never felt so free.
We got to the doctor's office and everything seemed to be going fine until he told me that he had found a cyst. Same place. Same size.
I felt like I was thrown backward. I felt myself starting to spiral.
Then I heard Jesus' voice in my ear, " I already knew about this. Trust in me."
There were no tears. I couldn't cry. I just asked all of the questions that came to me and completely held it together. I was so calm and so matter of fact. The doctor told me that we would have to put everything on hold and that it would require surgery. However he is booked way out so it would be mid to end of November if they were able to squeeze me in. Otherwise, it could be after the first of the year.
I took a deep breath and just said, "okay. Let's do it." My husband remained so calm. He keeps any part of me that wants to flip out very calm. He is my perfect match. I love him so.
My surgery is scheduled for November 13 at 7:30am. I am full of hope that this will be the final step.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Baby McAdams is already so loved and he or she isn't even on their way...yet ;)
<3 Lori
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Keep Calm and Carry On
I know I promised to update this more...that wasn't an empty promise. But, things happen...life happens. Sorry! But, I'm here now so that's what counts :)
We had an appointment last Monday at a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have a few friends that have used this particular doctor so I wanted to at least consult with him and see if he had a different take on our situation. He usually has a 6-8 month wait to get in with him so I have had this appointment for a while.
A couple of weeks ago I had another negative test. Another one that I took and placed on the counter and went to the bedroom and begged God to make both lines appear on. Another one that had only one line. It wasn't any different than the thousand others I've taken. But a dam broke in me that day and I cried. I screamed...I yelled...I cried that horrid ugly cry that nobody wants anyone to see. EVER. I told God I was mad at Him. I told my husband to leave me because I can't even give him a child and he deserves children. It's all my fault...not his. I gave up. I told him that God wasn't listening to me and that the only thing I've ever begged him for is the ONE thing He won't give me. I threw my hands up and said to everyone I know, " I.AM.DONE." And I meant it.
Evidently my Heavenly Father (so thankful that he allows me to be raw and real with Him and forgives me for it) got a kick out of that. The next morning the clinic where I've been waiting to get in called me and had an opening for the following Monday. OK God. I'll shut up now. ;)
The night before the appointment I was a nervous wreck. I felt totally unprepared. I was so anxious. As I was scrolling through facebook trying to get my mind off of it, I came across a post that had the Bible verse, Phillipians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Ironically one of my facebook friends...a girl I went to school with in Hallsville..had shared that verse with me on my meltdown status as well. I know God sent me those words. And I soaked them in as much as I could. When Jake and I were getting ready to pray before bed, I told him that I didn't want him to pray for a miracle (which is what we pray for every single night). I just wanted him to pray for peace. I wanted him to pray that when we left the appointment we would know if this was the doctor for us and if it was, that God would guide his hands and give him the knowledge to know what will work for us. And what steps God wants us to take. So, he did. I was convinced that we were going to have to do IVF. I just knew that was our only remaining option. I figured when he saw my records and all of my test results, he would tell me that we have to do IVF and that's it.
Praise GOD I was wrong.
I'm not going to go into all of the details of what is going to be taking place over the next few months but I will say that we left that appointment with complete peace. We KNOW this is where God wants us to be and we feel completely confident that this doctor's plan is going to work. I will share as we are ready. I just ask you all to please please pray that this will work and that we won't have to wait much longer. If you are going through your day and either of us pop in your head, please just say a quick prayer for us. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers and just need them to keep coming. God knows our hearts. And we know that He hears every one.
Praying for Baby McAdams to arrive in 2014 :)
I recently heard that this song was written by Pink after suffering a miscarriage. Most of you know Jake and I went through that in July 2010. Anyway, listen to the words. So sweet. Dare you not to cry! ;)
<3
Lori
We had an appointment last Monday at a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have a few friends that have used this particular doctor so I wanted to at least consult with him and see if he had a different take on our situation. He usually has a 6-8 month wait to get in with him so I have had this appointment for a while.
A couple of weeks ago I had another negative test. Another one that I took and placed on the counter and went to the bedroom and begged God to make both lines appear on. Another one that had only one line. It wasn't any different than the thousand others I've taken. But a dam broke in me that day and I cried. I screamed...I yelled...I cried that horrid ugly cry that nobody wants anyone to see. EVER. I told God I was mad at Him. I told my husband to leave me because I can't even give him a child and he deserves children. It's all my fault...not his. I gave up. I told him that God wasn't listening to me and that the only thing I've ever begged him for is the ONE thing He won't give me. I threw my hands up and said to everyone I know, " I.AM.DONE." And I meant it.
Evidently my Heavenly Father (so thankful that he allows me to be raw and real with Him and forgives me for it) got a kick out of that. The next morning the clinic where I've been waiting to get in called me and had an opening for the following Monday. OK God. I'll shut up now. ;)
The night before the appointment I was a nervous wreck. I felt totally unprepared. I was so anxious. As I was scrolling through facebook trying to get my mind off of it, I came across a post that had the Bible verse, Phillipians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Ironically one of my facebook friends...a girl I went to school with in Hallsville..had shared that verse with me on my meltdown status as well. I know God sent me those words. And I soaked them in as much as I could. When Jake and I were getting ready to pray before bed, I told him that I didn't want him to pray for a miracle (which is what we pray for every single night). I just wanted him to pray for peace. I wanted him to pray that when we left the appointment we would know if this was the doctor for us and if it was, that God would guide his hands and give him the knowledge to know what will work for us. And what steps God wants us to take. So, he did. I was convinced that we were going to have to do IVF. I just knew that was our only remaining option. I figured when he saw my records and all of my test results, he would tell me that we have to do IVF and that's it.
Praise GOD I was wrong.
I'm not going to go into all of the details of what is going to be taking place over the next few months but I will say that we left that appointment with complete peace. We KNOW this is where God wants us to be and we feel completely confident that this doctor's plan is going to work. I will share as we are ready. I just ask you all to please please pray that this will work and that we won't have to wait much longer. If you are going through your day and either of us pop in your head, please just say a quick prayer for us. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers and just need them to keep coming. God knows our hearts. And we know that He hears every one.
Praying for Baby McAdams to arrive in 2014 :)
I recently heard that this song was written by Pink after suffering a miscarriage. Most of you know Jake and I went through that in July 2010. Anyway, listen to the words. So sweet. Dare you not to cry! ;)
Lori
Friday, April 19, 2013
You are who You are...No matter where I am
I have been way to busy for far too long. We have had so much happen since my last blog. I promise to try to do this more often. (key word: try)
For starters, we are now HOME OWNERS!!! YAY!!! I am totally in love with our new home. We are still working on getting settled in but it is so much fun being able to do what we (I) want to the house. lol! Jake really doesn't care...he is happy with his recliner and his bathroom! HA!
Today was a rough day for me...I really don't know that I want to go into too much detail, other than to say, we thought we were pregnant, and it turns out we were wrong. I know there are many of you that have been through this. You've seen this heartache and felt the void. So, you know where I am today. I'm sad. I'm sad that all the plans I was making in my head aren't going to happen just yet. I'm sad that I wasn't able to see a smile on my husbands face when he read the results. I'm sad that this room that I'm sitting in right now is still going to be called "the office" and not "the nursery." But, I'm OK. Not completely, but I will be. No, I don't want to talk about it. When I do, I cry. And I'm tired of crying. So, I've been doing what I do best...staying busy!
Jake is HOME! I love this. He is not going to be away from home anymore. Sure, he will still have to go out of town some. That is, after all, the nature of the oilfield. But, he is based in Longview. Shop days will be in Longview. He is home with me and that is a HUGE prayer that God has answered for us.
We have asked a lot of God this year and He has been so good to us.
He provided us with the ability to purchase my fabulous car!
We celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary!
We are the proud owners of a beautiful new home!
So, of course, since my timing is so much more perfect for me than His (insert sarcasm), now I say it's time for our baby to come. Of course, I know too well that it's so not about my timing. This is one part of my life that I don't get to control. It is all up to Him. So, that being said, we are praying. Actively. Begging some days, that we will be parents soon. We have a couple of appointments set. I'll share those when I feel like the time is right. It is our heart's desire to pursue the road that God wants us to travel down.
I'm asking you, our friends and family, to not only pray with us and for us that God will see it in His will to bless our home with our baby. We ask that you pray for us to have peace during the waiting process. And that we can find joy in knowing that He will not let us down. <3
As for us, for now, we are praising Him in this storm. Sometimes, it's more of a whisper than a shout. But we are trying...because every tear we've cried, He holds in His hands.
Here's a few more pictures to catch you up with our life: We have a new nephew born 12/23/12 named Sawyer James Riley! He is pictured here with my sweet daddy.
For starters, we are now HOME OWNERS!!! YAY!!! I am totally in love with our new home. We are still working on getting settled in but it is so much fun being able to do what we (I) want to the house. lol! Jake really doesn't care...he is happy with his recliner and his bathroom! HA!
Today was a rough day for me...I really don't know that I want to go into too much detail, other than to say, we thought we were pregnant, and it turns out we were wrong. I know there are many of you that have been through this. You've seen this heartache and felt the void. So, you know where I am today. I'm sad. I'm sad that all the plans I was making in my head aren't going to happen just yet. I'm sad that I wasn't able to see a smile on my husbands face when he read the results. I'm sad that this room that I'm sitting in right now is still going to be called "the office" and not "the nursery." But, I'm OK. Not completely, but I will be. No, I don't want to talk about it. When I do, I cry. And I'm tired of crying. So, I've been doing what I do best...staying busy!
Jake is HOME! I love this. He is not going to be away from home anymore. Sure, he will still have to go out of town some. That is, after all, the nature of the oilfield. But, he is based in Longview. Shop days will be in Longview. He is home with me and that is a HUGE prayer that God has answered for us.
We have asked a lot of God this year and He has been so good to us.
He provided us with the ability to purchase my fabulous car!
We celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary!
We are the proud owners of a beautiful new home!
So, of course, since my timing is so much more perfect for me than His (insert sarcasm), now I say it's time for our baby to come. Of course, I know too well that it's so not about my timing. This is one part of my life that I don't get to control. It is all up to Him. So, that being said, we are praying. Actively. Begging some days, that we will be parents soon. We have a couple of appointments set. I'll share those when I feel like the time is right. It is our heart's desire to pursue the road that God wants us to travel down.
I'm asking you, our friends and family, to not only pray with us and for us that God will see it in His will to bless our home with our baby. We ask that you pray for us to have peace during the waiting process. And that we can find joy in knowing that He will not let us down. <3
As for us, for now, we are praising Him in this storm. Sometimes, it's more of a whisper than a shout. But we are trying...because every tear we've cried, He holds in His hands.
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| I adore this picture. I adore this man. |
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| Uncle Jake and his boys |
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| Christmas Eve with my favorite boys Khaunor & Carlisle |
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| me & Khaunor |
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| Me and Sawyer...he was so tiny! |
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| Leighton bug :) |
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| Mom, Dustin & Sawyer |
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| Me & my baby daddy! |
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| part of a note he wrote me before leaving for a 2 week hitch. |
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| FaceTime with my Princess Leighton |
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| my boyfriend ;) |
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| I love this car! One of our Christmas pictures ;) This is Kelly Clarkson singing with Jason Aldean at the concert
Sound quality on this video isn't great but it was amazing live!!!
|
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| Sawyer and my Daddy |
Monday, September 3, 2012
How Great is Our God! Sing with me...
How great is our God, Sing with me! How Great is our God!
I love that song. It sums up how I feel right now...and every day these days, for that matter. I figured it was definitely time for an update...so here I am :)
To start with, Jake had back surgery on July 11. I will not lie to you...I was a complete and total nervous wreck the morning of his surgery. My mother and Jake's older brother were both there with me when they took him away to the operating room. I just kept stopping and looking back, watching them wheeling him away. I started to cry and I just whispered, "He's in your hands now, Lord. Please keep him safe." What seemed like 2 years, was actually only a couple of hours. The doctor called me on the waiting room phone to tell me that everything went perfect and he was in recovery and I could see him about an hour.
Ugh. More waiting...
Then, finally I was able to get to him and he was in a lot of pain. Now, let me tell you something. There is no worse feeling than seeing this solid rock of a man who is always so strong in such a weakened state. I had to suck it up and take over. I stayed beside him every second. I never left his side. We stayed one night in the hospital and they sent him home around noon the next day. I was SO glad...sleeping in the hospital is a joke. I was exhausted and just wanted to be home, with my husband.
His progress has been remarkable. Within a couple of days he was pain free and doing fantastic. He went back to light-duty at work 2 weeks later. Then, at the 6 week mark, he was released to full duty with no restrictions. His job required him to take a full DOT physical before returning, which he passed, might I add, with flying colors!
Meanwhile, my cupcake fundraiser has now turned into a full time, crazy-busy, completely fulfilling business! I have sold about a gazillion ( ok, not really, but you get the drift) cupcakes over the past month. I have so many orders right now for bridal showers, baby showers, bachelorette parties, kids birthdays! It is overwhelming and wonderful :) I LOVE IT! We are now in the process of searching for a place to be able to open a shop where I can sell cupcakes every day. I am actually going to look at 2 tomorrow, so I'm pretty excited about that! It is the best feeling to be able to do what you love and love what you do...and make money doing it! :)
As far as the fertility journey goes, we got some pretty fantastic news. We visited a different specialist in Frisco on August 25. I actually found him while doing research on the success rates of IVF clinics in TX. This clinic has the highest in TX. So, naturally, I wanted to see what his opinion was. I had all of my records sent to him from my local OB and the RE in Dallas that I have been seeing. I can honestly say this. When I walked into the office, I already felt more at peace than I have ever felt at the other place. Now, don't get me wrong. I am in NO WAY knocking the previous RE. I really like him. I'm not so crazy about some of the staff there, but that doesn't mean that they are not good. I just am not sure they are right for ME. We have prayed. A LOT. We asked God to lead us in the direction He has planned for us. We feel like this is the right one. Anyway, this particular RE at the new clinic was SO comforting. He informed me that I am NOT at risk of never being able to get pregnant and that he doesn't think that my only option is IVF. Now, he is not 100% sure that we won't have to resort to IVF eventually. But, he said that nowhere in my chart or my lab results does it indicate I cannot carry a child...the reason I'm not getting pregnant is because I'm not ovulating. Period. He said that is because I have PCOS. (Nobody has ever confirmed that for me. Nice to know...) Anyway, he said that most women with PCOS don't respond well to oral medication (i.e. clomid, femara). However, we do respond well ( sometimes too well) to injectible meds, such as Follistim. So, he recommended us going with that course of action first. He has a program in his office that provides intensive monitoring of my ovaries starting with the first day of my cycle. This will help him know how to adjust the medication if needed...whether it be to increase or decrease...so that we get perfect eggs. Then, when they are perfectly matured, they will give me a "booster shot" that will trigger the release of the egg, and at that point, will schedule an IUI in the office. This will get the swimmers closer to the egg so they won't have to look hard for it and will hopefully dig in and create a baby :) This procedure is about 20% of the cost of IVF. If we do have to go with later, (if this procedure doesn't work) then, their IVF cost is about 50% cheaper than the other clinic...and as I stated earlier, has about 19% better success rates.
Needless to say, we are super excited about this news! I don't feel so doomed...I don't feel so hopeless.
Jake has transferred to work in Odessa. He is still with the same company, but he will now have a 2 week on/1 week off schedule. So, we will have to coordinate the procedure with his schedule. We are going to wait a month or two to be sure of how things are going to go before we go ahead. I will keep you guys posted on that.
<3-Lori
I love that song. It sums up how I feel right now...and every day these days, for that matter. I figured it was definitely time for an update...so here I am :)
To start with, Jake had back surgery on July 11. I will not lie to you...I was a complete and total nervous wreck the morning of his surgery. My mother and Jake's older brother were both there with me when they took him away to the operating room. I just kept stopping and looking back, watching them wheeling him away. I started to cry and I just whispered, "He's in your hands now, Lord. Please keep him safe." What seemed like 2 years, was actually only a couple of hours. The doctor called me on the waiting room phone to tell me that everything went perfect and he was in recovery and I could see him about an hour.
Ugh. More waiting...
Then, finally I was able to get to him and he was in a lot of pain. Now, let me tell you something. There is no worse feeling than seeing this solid rock of a man who is always so strong in such a weakened state. I had to suck it up and take over. I stayed beside him every second. I never left his side. We stayed one night in the hospital and they sent him home around noon the next day. I was SO glad...sleeping in the hospital is a joke. I was exhausted and just wanted to be home, with my husband.
His progress has been remarkable. Within a couple of days he was pain free and doing fantastic. He went back to light-duty at work 2 weeks later. Then, at the 6 week mark, he was released to full duty with no restrictions. His job required him to take a full DOT physical before returning, which he passed, might I add, with flying colors!
Meanwhile, my cupcake fundraiser has now turned into a full time, crazy-busy, completely fulfilling business! I have sold about a gazillion ( ok, not really, but you get the drift) cupcakes over the past month. I have so many orders right now for bridal showers, baby showers, bachelorette parties, kids birthdays! It is overwhelming and wonderful :) I LOVE IT! We are now in the process of searching for a place to be able to open a shop where I can sell cupcakes every day. I am actually going to look at 2 tomorrow, so I'm pretty excited about that! It is the best feeling to be able to do what you love and love what you do...and make money doing it! :)
As far as the fertility journey goes, we got some pretty fantastic news. We visited a different specialist in Frisco on August 25. I actually found him while doing research on the success rates of IVF clinics in TX. This clinic has the highest in TX. So, naturally, I wanted to see what his opinion was. I had all of my records sent to him from my local OB and the RE in Dallas that I have been seeing. I can honestly say this. When I walked into the office, I already felt more at peace than I have ever felt at the other place. Now, don't get me wrong. I am in NO WAY knocking the previous RE. I really like him. I'm not so crazy about some of the staff there, but that doesn't mean that they are not good. I just am not sure they are right for ME. We have prayed. A LOT. We asked God to lead us in the direction He has planned for us. We feel like this is the right one. Anyway, this particular RE at the new clinic was SO comforting. He informed me that I am NOT at risk of never being able to get pregnant and that he doesn't think that my only option is IVF. Now, he is not 100% sure that we won't have to resort to IVF eventually. But, he said that nowhere in my chart or my lab results does it indicate I cannot carry a child...the reason I'm not getting pregnant is because I'm not ovulating. Period. He said that is because I have PCOS. (Nobody has ever confirmed that for me. Nice to know...) Anyway, he said that most women with PCOS don't respond well to oral medication (i.e. clomid, femara). However, we do respond well ( sometimes too well) to injectible meds, such as Follistim. So, he recommended us going with that course of action first. He has a program in his office that provides intensive monitoring of my ovaries starting with the first day of my cycle. This will help him know how to adjust the medication if needed...whether it be to increase or decrease...so that we get perfect eggs. Then, when they are perfectly matured, they will give me a "booster shot" that will trigger the release of the egg, and at that point, will schedule an IUI in the office. This will get the swimmers closer to the egg so they won't have to look hard for it and will hopefully dig in and create a baby :) This procedure is about 20% of the cost of IVF. If we do have to go with later, (if this procedure doesn't work) then, their IVF cost is about 50% cheaper than the other clinic...and as I stated earlier, has about 19% better success rates.
Needless to say, we are super excited about this news! I don't feel so doomed...I don't feel so hopeless.
Jake has transferred to work in Odessa. He is still with the same company, but he will now have a 2 week on/1 week off schedule. So, we will have to coordinate the procedure with his schedule. We are going to wait a month or two to be sure of how things are going to go before we go ahead. I will keep you guys posted on that.
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