I appropriately titled this entry because...well, I love that show...and here lately that's just what it has been: us. Me and the kids. Jake got his job back in the oilfield...well, not the same job he lost this last time but the one he was laid off from the day we picked up the kids in April of 2015. (yeah that was scary) So, he is gone for weeks at a time. The first hitch was just a little over 2 weeks. The next one was 3 and this one will be 5. It won't always be this way, but unemployment took it's toll on our savings and credit cards so he is working extra to get us back in a good place financially. Needless to say, we utilize FaceTime a LOT.
My Nanny has been my saving grace. Were it not for her, I would be up a creek. She helps me so much and she just doesn't even have to do anything but be here and it's helpful. My mother in law and father in law are always willing to help...and my dad has picked Riley up from school a time or two when I needed it. But, for the most part, I make sure my kids come first so that doesn't have to happen. Riley landed the best teacher in Pine Tree Primary. I am SO incredibly thankful that God answered my many many nights of prayer and gave Riley the perfect teacher for his needs. Riley has a form of dyslexia and most don't even recognize it until 1st grade...when they're already so far behind. I knew something wasn't right with him but everyone kept telling me to relax and that I was just paranoid. BULL. Anyway, she referred me to Dr Childress who is a brilliant Opthamologist in Longview. He specializes in visual therapy and is helping Riley so much. He said that with his hard work and our cooperation at home, Riley will be reading above his grade level before the end of the year. I pray he is right. I see my poor baby struggling and it hurts this mama's heart. We pray for Jesus to heal his eyes every night before we go to sleep. He has the most tender heart and I couldn't ask for a sweeter son. He is so kind and so full of joy. He never doesn't have a smile on his face. He even smiles when he sleeps! Precious boy, I love him so.
Little miss Ramsey Mae has become the sassiest little thing I've ever seen. She has her hand on her hip 99% of the time when she talks to you and she never ever stops talking. I honestly don't know when she breathes. She refuses to potty train because she says that she is the baby and babies wear diapers. (insert eye roll) I'm trying to convince her this is not the case that all three of them will ALWAYS be my babies...and over the past couple of days she has seemed more and more interested in the potty so fingers crossed we are almost over that hump lol.
Roxi Kay is such a sweet little girl. She is ornery as the day is long but she has the sweetest little "yes ma'am" I've ever heard and I can't help but just stare at her with wonder. Her hair is getting long and she is starting to recognize letters and numbers. She is interested in the days of the week right now and what order they go in. I am so in awe of how children pick up on things when you never even realize they're listening.
In one week we will celebrate our "gotcha day" anniversary. It's already been a year! My babies have been the biggest blessings in my life and I thank God for giving them to me. One thing I was recently told is that God gave these children to me to love and to protect and to care for no matter what. THEY are my obligation and my privilege. I take pride in knowing that He entrusted me with such a big job and I will lay down my life to fulfill that purpose.
Thank you all for your continued prayers.
We love you
Lori
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Time flies when you're having fun!
It's hard to believe that it has already been 5 months since the State of Texas finally legalized our sweet little family. Time flies! We have had a busy Spring and now Summer. It has been wild and fun and tiring and exhilarating and I'm sure dozens of other words I can't even think of right now. But to just put it in one word it has been surreal.
Sometimes I still catch myself looking at these little people in the back of my suv and thinking "I can't believe they're mine!" But, they are and I'm so very thankful they are!
We have been working on remodeling our home. Riley now has a new room and a bigger closet than me (that's gonna change lol) And I have a much nicer, much more functional kitchen. AND A PANTRY!!! haha It's the little things, right? I don't know what in the world I would do without it I promise you that. It doesn't take long to fill it up and then empty it again when you're feeding 5 people! I should be used to that...this is exactly the size family I grew up in with the same amount of boys and girls. Except, my parents had a break between their two girls...a 5 year break. We have 13 months! So, I'm sure that teenage years will require lots of prayer and probably lots of medication for me. lol! They are sweet littles but I know that the time will come when I won't be their favorite person and that's okay because it will mean I'm doing something right. Then, once again they will love me as they get older and realize I'm not as dumb as they thought. I know this because...well, my parents are a lot smarter than they were when I was in high school ;)
We are getting ready for Riley to start school this Fall. Well, I'm trying to get ready. Because I know it is going to take a whole lot of preparation for me to let my little boy go to school. I have tears streaming down my cheeks now just thinking about it. Most people have 5 years to prepare for this. I didn't....so yeah, it's gonna be tough. But, I'm going to put my brave mommy mask on for him that day and we will make it just fine.
Ramsey is turning into a little mess. She has all these little sayings she has picked up from different people in our family that she will spit out and it always cracks me up. I don't know what to say when she looks at me with her hand on her hip and says, "Mama, I think we have a probwem." lol Then when I do laugh she says "Mommy it is NOT a JOKE!" My word I don't know where she comes up with this stuff. She is so funny and such a mess.
Roxi is full of sass and is very much a middle child. She doesn't like anyone else getting more attention than her. Needless to say, she's well aquainted with the time out corner because of that one. She loves all things pink but she loves to play rough and rowdy too. I am planning on signing her up for gymnastics this Fall. She will enjoy that and I think she is built for it. She loves to snuggle with her mommy and she is a daddy's girl through and through. That makes my heart happy. I used to tell Jacob that I hoped we had a girl some day so that he could understand the bond that a father and a daughter have. There's nothing like it. I couldn't ever make him understand how much I loved my daddy and how I've always felt like if he was behind me I could conquer the world. Now he knows...he sees it in her eyes. And so do I. It's precious and it fills me up to overflowing with love and gratitude.
God is just so so good.
Jacob was laid off from his job and it was pretty earth shattering. But, I'm not afraid. I know we will be okay. The scripture says do not be afraid over 300 times. I think I'll listen to that. It has never lead me wrong. So, we are waiting on God to show us what's next. One thing we've learned throughout our 6 years together is that we don't really need to make plans...we just need to trust Him. Lord knows, I KNOW that. But it's not always easy to just accept that. I'm reminded daily, though, that I'm not in control of anything and to just sit down and shut up. ;) I'll try, Lord. I promise I'll try.
Riley played tball in the spring. That was fun and exhausting at the same time. I'm too competitive to have a half-in coach. So, next year will be different. I know who's team I don't want him on. It's not about winning, although that is always a bonus. But, this is where they learn the fundamentals. And, when you don't have practices, the boys don't learn what it means to be disciplined and to work together as a team. They just show up for games and run around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. It's just plain crazy and I'm not wired to sit by and just be okay with that. haha! I don't like "participation trophies" My brother grew up working his butt off playing ball and they knew that they better or there would be no trophy. And, believe me, none of the three of us (me or the twins) wanted any part of any kind of ribbons unless they were blue. You're either first or you lost. That's it Nothing in between lol. Riley blood....it runs deep.
We are going on a little trip in a couple of weeks and I just feel like a kid waiting for Christmas to get here. I cannot wait! We are going to see my childhood friends and stay with them for a few days and I am so flippin excited! This morning I woke myself up crying this morning...I had the most vivid dream and it was awful and I just couldn't shake it. My mom and sister and the boys are down there right now so I called her and she assured me everything was okay. I hate dreams like that. It's left me shaken up all day. Not sure why those kind of dreams happen but they are NOT COOL.
We are slowly trying to get this house back in order and still work on it at the same time. I have half of our fireplace painted and 3/4 of the kitchen floor done. lol This week we are going to finish all of the half done projects. That's my goal. Finish shiplap,Finish Fireplace. Finish floor. Finish garage, Finish kids bath. Then we can start the next 3 projects....girls rooms and the living room. :) Fun stuff.
I hope you all have a wonderful Summer. I'll be back sooner than later hopefully.
Until then, I'll just be busy being a mommy :)
And loving every minute of it.
Love,
Lori
Sometimes I still catch myself looking at these little people in the back of my suv and thinking "I can't believe they're mine!" But, they are and I'm so very thankful they are!
We have been working on remodeling our home. Riley now has a new room and a bigger closet than me (that's gonna change lol) And I have a much nicer, much more functional kitchen. AND A PANTRY!!! haha It's the little things, right? I don't know what in the world I would do without it I promise you that. It doesn't take long to fill it up and then empty it again when you're feeding 5 people! I should be used to that...this is exactly the size family I grew up in with the same amount of boys and girls. Except, my parents had a break between their two girls...a 5 year break. We have 13 months! So, I'm sure that teenage years will require lots of prayer and probably lots of medication for me. lol! They are sweet littles but I know that the time will come when I won't be their favorite person and that's okay because it will mean I'm doing something right. Then, once again they will love me as they get older and realize I'm not as dumb as they thought. I know this because...well, my parents are a lot smarter than they were when I was in high school ;)
We are getting ready for Riley to start school this Fall. Well, I'm trying to get ready. Because I know it is going to take a whole lot of preparation for me to let my little boy go to school. I have tears streaming down my cheeks now just thinking about it. Most people have 5 years to prepare for this. I didn't....so yeah, it's gonna be tough. But, I'm going to put my brave mommy mask on for him that day and we will make it just fine.
Ramsey is turning into a little mess. She has all these little sayings she has picked up from different people in our family that she will spit out and it always cracks me up. I don't know what to say when she looks at me with her hand on her hip and says, "Mama, I think we have a probwem." lol Then when I do laugh she says "Mommy it is NOT a JOKE!" My word I don't know where she comes up with this stuff. She is so funny and such a mess.
Roxi is full of sass and is very much a middle child. She doesn't like anyone else getting more attention than her. Needless to say, she's well aquainted with the time out corner because of that one. She loves all things pink but she loves to play rough and rowdy too. I am planning on signing her up for gymnastics this Fall. She will enjoy that and I think she is built for it. She loves to snuggle with her mommy and she is a daddy's girl through and through. That makes my heart happy. I used to tell Jacob that I hoped we had a girl some day so that he could understand the bond that a father and a daughter have. There's nothing like it. I couldn't ever make him understand how much I loved my daddy and how I've always felt like if he was behind me I could conquer the world. Now he knows...he sees it in her eyes. And so do I. It's precious and it fills me up to overflowing with love and gratitude.
God is just so so good.
Jacob was laid off from his job and it was pretty earth shattering. But, I'm not afraid. I know we will be okay. The scripture says do not be afraid over 300 times. I think I'll listen to that. It has never lead me wrong. So, we are waiting on God to show us what's next. One thing we've learned throughout our 6 years together is that we don't really need to make plans...we just need to trust Him. Lord knows, I KNOW that. But it's not always easy to just accept that. I'm reminded daily, though, that I'm not in control of anything and to just sit down and shut up. ;) I'll try, Lord. I promise I'll try.
Riley played tball in the spring. That was fun and exhausting at the same time. I'm too competitive to have a half-in coach. So, next year will be different. I know who's team I don't want him on. It's not about winning, although that is always a bonus. But, this is where they learn the fundamentals. And, when you don't have practices, the boys don't learn what it means to be disciplined and to work together as a team. They just show up for games and run around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. It's just plain crazy and I'm not wired to sit by and just be okay with that. haha! I don't like "participation trophies" My brother grew up working his butt off playing ball and they knew that they better or there would be no trophy. And, believe me, none of the three of us (me or the twins) wanted any part of any kind of ribbons unless they were blue. You're either first or you lost. That's it Nothing in between lol. Riley blood....it runs deep.
We are going on a little trip in a couple of weeks and I just feel like a kid waiting for Christmas to get here. I cannot wait! We are going to see my childhood friends and stay with them for a few days and I am so flippin excited! This morning I woke myself up crying this morning...I had the most vivid dream and it was awful and I just couldn't shake it. My mom and sister and the boys are down there right now so I called her and she assured me everything was okay. I hate dreams like that. It's left me shaken up all day. Not sure why those kind of dreams happen but they are NOT COOL.
We are slowly trying to get this house back in order and still work on it at the same time. I have half of our fireplace painted and 3/4 of the kitchen floor done. lol This week we are going to finish all of the half done projects. That's my goal. Finish shiplap,Finish Fireplace. Finish floor. Finish garage, Finish kids bath. Then we can start the next 3 projects....girls rooms and the living room. :) Fun stuff.
I hope you all have a wonderful Summer. I'll be back sooner than later hopefully.
Until then, I'll just be busy being a mommy :)
And loving every minute of it.
Love,
Lori
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Psalm 113:9
I remember the day so very clearly so long ago sitting alone in my duplex, missing my husband, staring at the walls...listening to the fan spinning...silence was so very loud. I remember feeling like I just couldn't breathe. Like there was literally something physically keeping my chest from expanding enough to let air into my lungs. I grabbed my devotional and started reading it and then referred to the Bible verse at the end of it. Before I started in The Word, though, I bowed my head...actually, I knelt on my floor right there in my living room and asked God to please bring some peace into my heart. I felt like I was falling apart and I just needed....something. Anything...because NOTHING was filling this gaping hole in my heart and soul that longed to be filled with the sounds of little feet and being called Mommy.
I read the scripture listed but I kept reading...David usually always had something profound to speak of in the Book of Psalm and I just didn't want to stop. Then, I read the words. The words that I have clung to...that I have built my foundation on...the promise that my Heavenly Father gave me right there in my living room that very day, "He settles the barren woman in her home and makes her the happy mother of many children," Wow. I was only asking for one! Many!!??? Oh, Lord, surely that's not possible...not at my age.
Then a while later, I was convicted that I needed to stop asking and start acting. So we "prepared our tent" so to speak. We had two empty bedrooms...a big ol house with a big ol yard and just me and Jake to roam around. Sometimes I thought we were crazy to have bought this house. There's no way we would ever need all this room. It just isn't feasible. Time is ticking and still no baby...we won't ever fill this house up.
God said "Watch this."
January 21, 2016, The State of Texas declared that I am the legal and by all rights the same as the biological mother to my son, Riley Joseph, and my daughters, Roxi Kay and Ramsey Mae for all time.
He settles the barren woman in her home and makes her the HAPPY mother of many children.
Enlarge your house, build an addition. Spread out your home and spare no expense! Isaiah 54:2
For I know the plans that I have for you. Not to harm you but to give you hope for the future Jeremiah 29:11.
Amen.
There is not one second of my day that I don't feel thankful. Even when I am tired and need a shower and have a kid on each hip and another one hollering for whatever reason, I am thankful. I love like I've never loved before. These children have a piece of my heart that was never mine to keep and nobody else could ever have. I have no more emptiness. Just love. Jesus filled me up to overflowing and I just wish that there were words to describe the emotions I feel when I say those words. But there aren't. I look at these babies, MY babies and I literally can't believe He chose me. But oh Lord Praise His Name He DID choose me!
I won't even dare to pretend that every day is sunshine and roses. Parenting is hard. It's hard to have to say no and watch them cry because you have to discipline them. But, I always make sure they know that I love them. And I'm never angry with them. "We all make bad choices...that's part of growing up and learning. Mommy still makes bad choices...just like your learning to be a good girl/boy I'm learning to be a good mommy. We are in this together. We are a team. Never on opposing sides. I'll always be your biggest fan. You have made my life worth living. You have restored my faith. You have given me more joy than you will ever know. And I will love you for all of eternity. You are mine. And I am yours. Forever."
Once again, Jesus has won. Victory has been given.
In the words of Miss Clara on The War Room "Oooohhh Satan you just got your butt WHOOPED!"
Here are the answer to your many prayers...these are my babies,
<3 Lori, mommy of three on Earth and one in Heaven.
daughter of The King
wife to my Prince :)
I read the scripture listed but I kept reading...David usually always had something profound to speak of in the Book of Psalm and I just didn't want to stop. Then, I read the words. The words that I have clung to...that I have built my foundation on...the promise that my Heavenly Father gave me right there in my living room that very day, "He settles the barren woman in her home and makes her the happy mother of many children," Wow. I was only asking for one! Many!!??? Oh, Lord, surely that's not possible...not at my age.
Then a while later, I was convicted that I needed to stop asking and start acting. So we "prepared our tent" so to speak. We had two empty bedrooms...a big ol house with a big ol yard and just me and Jake to roam around. Sometimes I thought we were crazy to have bought this house. There's no way we would ever need all this room. It just isn't feasible. Time is ticking and still no baby...we won't ever fill this house up.
God said "Watch this."
January 21, 2016, The State of Texas declared that I am the legal and by all rights the same as the biological mother to my son, Riley Joseph, and my daughters, Roxi Kay and Ramsey Mae for all time.
He settles the barren woman in her home and makes her the HAPPY mother of many children.
Enlarge your house, build an addition. Spread out your home and spare no expense! Isaiah 54:2
For I know the plans that I have for you. Not to harm you but to give you hope for the future Jeremiah 29:11.
Amen.
There is not one second of my day that I don't feel thankful. Even when I am tired and need a shower and have a kid on each hip and another one hollering for whatever reason, I am thankful. I love like I've never loved before. These children have a piece of my heart that was never mine to keep and nobody else could ever have. I have no more emptiness. Just love. Jesus filled me up to overflowing and I just wish that there were words to describe the emotions I feel when I say those words. But there aren't. I look at these babies, MY babies and I literally can't believe He chose me. But oh Lord Praise His Name He DID choose me!
I won't even dare to pretend that every day is sunshine and roses. Parenting is hard. It's hard to have to say no and watch them cry because you have to discipline them. But, I always make sure they know that I love them. And I'm never angry with them. "We all make bad choices...that's part of growing up and learning. Mommy still makes bad choices...just like your learning to be a good girl/boy I'm learning to be a good mommy. We are in this together. We are a team. Never on opposing sides. I'll always be your biggest fan. You have made my life worth living. You have restored my faith. You have given me more joy than you will ever know. And I will love you for all of eternity. You are mine. And I am yours. Forever."
Once again, Jesus has won. Victory has been given.
In the words of Miss Clara on The War Room "Oooohhh Satan you just got your butt WHOOPED!"
Here are the answer to your many prayers...these are my babies,
<3 Lori, mommy of three on Earth and one in Heaven.
daughter of The King
wife to my Prince :)
Friday, August 28, 2015
McAdams: Party of FIVE?!?!?!?
Runny noses, doctor visits, poopy diapers, potty training, sippy cups, endless piles of laundry, Bubble Guppies, Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggity Dog, Rockabye baby, tripping over toys, "WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES??!?" "LEAVE YOUR BOW ALONE!" No, you can't bring that turtle in the house. Ouch those cars are going to kill me if I step on them again. Mommy I need a bandaid....Is it bathtime yet? Can I play for a little while? Thank you for the bubbles! I love my new dress!
Mommy I wanna rock! I want my blankie. Cup!
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...Twinkle twinkle little star....Jesus loves me....Rockabye baby" Sweet Dreams Princess I love you
Mommy! Kiss me on the lips!
Mama do you mind if I watch a little TV? Mama, I love you. I just wanted to tell you that and give you a hug
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That's just a little synopsis of what one of my days look like now.
And I couldn't possibly be happier.
We have a 4 year old son, an almost 3 year old daughter and an almost 2 year old baby girl.
They are absolutely perfect in every possible way.
We sing, we dance, we sit in the corner sometimes...we laugh, we cry, but most of all....
WE LOVE.
"I love you Mama" never gets old.
Mommy I WUV YOU! Daddy I WUV YOU! You're my best Mommy EVER!!! Mama I love you! Daddy you're my best friend.
Those are the moments I live for. Those are the moments that still catch me off guard and take my breath away. Those are the moments that have made the past 7 months worth every worry, every tear, every home visit, personal questions, and court date.
Every morning when I walk in the girls room and my baby girl says "ga morming mommy!" lol It still makes me smile. When she facetimes with her daddy or her "mawmaw" (supposed to be grandma but whatever works lol) and she says "kisses" and kisses the phone or actually takes the phone and hugs it. I have to swallow a big lump every time.
They love their "Ashy" (my sister) and adore Khaunor and Carlisle. The girls get plum giddy around their granddad and they squeal with delight at the sight of my mom or Jake's mom "Gigi" They've named Jake's brother "Uncle Cookie Monster" and I don't think I've ever seen him smile as much as he has since they came into our lives. Even Jake's somber old man (Gramps) smiles now. They bring out the best in everyone. And those of you that have run into us or seen us out and about can see why. They are so warm and loving. They are little rays of sunshine. And they are ours...
Effective Tuesday, we will be assigned an adoption worker and we are hoping for that to be finalized by mid November. We are past all the red tape. We are just waiting on the required amount of time to pass so that we can get our court date. I can't wait to share their precious faces with you all. I can't wait to introduce our miracles to all of you who have followed us and prayed with and for us through all of this. I am so humbled by your support and your joy for us.
Hey y'all....I'm a mommy :)
Praise The Lord for He is GOOD. He gave us EXACTLY what we needed.
Love,
Lori
aka Mommy of 3 <3
Mommy I wanna rock! I want my blankie. Cup!
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...Twinkle twinkle little star....Jesus loves me....Rockabye baby" Sweet Dreams Princess I love you
Mommy! Kiss me on the lips!
Mama do you mind if I watch a little TV? Mama, I love you. I just wanted to tell you that and give you a hug
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
That's just a little synopsis of what one of my days look like now.
And I couldn't possibly be happier.
We have a 4 year old son, an almost 3 year old daughter and an almost 2 year old baby girl.
They are absolutely perfect in every possible way.
We sing, we dance, we sit in the corner sometimes...we laugh, we cry, but most of all....
WE LOVE.
"I love you Mama" never gets old.
Mommy I WUV YOU! Daddy I WUV YOU! You're my best Mommy EVER!!! Mama I love you! Daddy you're my best friend.
Those are the moments I live for. Those are the moments that still catch me off guard and take my breath away. Those are the moments that have made the past 7 months worth every worry, every tear, every home visit, personal questions, and court date.
Every morning when I walk in the girls room and my baby girl says "ga morming mommy!" lol It still makes me smile. When she facetimes with her daddy or her "mawmaw" (supposed to be grandma but whatever works lol) and she says "kisses" and kisses the phone or actually takes the phone and hugs it. I have to swallow a big lump every time.
They love their "Ashy" (my sister) and adore Khaunor and Carlisle. The girls get plum giddy around their granddad and they squeal with delight at the sight of my mom or Jake's mom "Gigi" They've named Jake's brother "Uncle Cookie Monster" and I don't think I've ever seen him smile as much as he has since they came into our lives. Even Jake's somber old man (Gramps) smiles now. They bring out the best in everyone. And those of you that have run into us or seen us out and about can see why. They are so warm and loving. They are little rays of sunshine. And they are ours...
Effective Tuesday, we will be assigned an adoption worker and we are hoping for that to be finalized by mid November. We are past all the red tape. We are just waiting on the required amount of time to pass so that we can get our court date. I can't wait to share their precious faces with you all. I can't wait to introduce our miracles to all of you who have followed us and prayed with and for us through all of this. I am so humbled by your support and your joy for us.
Hey y'all....I'm a mommy :)
Praise The Lord for He is GOOD. He gave us EXACTLY what we needed.
Love,
Lori
aka Mommy of 3 <3
Friday, February 20, 2015
A Thousand Years
The other morning it hit me....this is really happening. We have prayed for this and this is really happening. I just went to my knees crying. I know now all the why's and when's and how could you's were all leading to THIS.
The words to this song are perfect for the way I feel....but first this quote.
"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,But still miraculously my own
Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart
but IN it."
Now, here's the song I'm speaking of...the words fit perfectly....it's a love song to our children. They just have no idea how much I love them already. I've loved them for a thousand years...and I'll love them for a thousand more....
"And so it was that she, having waited long and endured patiently, realized and obtained what God had promised." Hebrews 6:15
<3 Lori
Soon-to-be mommy of 3
Monday, January 12, 2015
2015
This year will not revolve around our infertility. In fact, we are taking a break from all of it. Gosh that feels good to say...I feel like I should say something along the lines of "Hi my name is Lori and I'm addicted to fertility treatments" Blah. That's not funny but I think in a way it was true. Not the medication...by any means. But, I was so focused on the goal that I forgot why.
In the process, I've nearly had a nervous breakdown.
So, my husband and I are having fun. We are planning vacations. We are working on our home. We are watching movies in our pjs in front of a fire. We aren't going to Saturday appointments and running spending money on fertility stuff. I am not choking down pills every night and running to the potty every 5 minutes.
So...this is what being normal feels like? I like this. A LOT.
Don't get me wrong. We still want kids. And we will have kids. We may adopt. We are considering foster to adopt. We are considering lots of things.
But not until we have had a good long hiatus to just be us.
Thank you for your prayers and support. Please don't stop as my mental and emotional health isn't at it's best right now...but I am getting help for that so no worries ;)
Here's to a year of endless possibilities.
Love,
Lori
In the process, I've nearly had a nervous breakdown.
So, my husband and I are having fun. We are planning vacations. We are working on our home. We are watching movies in our pjs in front of a fire. We aren't going to Saturday appointments and running spending money on fertility stuff. I am not choking down pills every night and running to the potty every 5 minutes.
So...this is what being normal feels like? I like this. A LOT.
Don't get me wrong. We still want kids. And we will have kids. We may adopt. We are considering foster to adopt. We are considering lots of things.
But not until we have had a good long hiatus to just be us.
Thank you for your prayers and support. Please don't stop as my mental and emotional health isn't at it's best right now...but I am getting help for that so no worries ;)
Here's to a year of endless possibilities.
Love,
Lori
Monday, November 24, 2014
Thank you
It's still so strange to me to be able to say, "We are going through IVF right now." I am used to saying, "We are trying to have a baby" or "We are going through fertility treatments" but....IVF?!?! It always seemed so unattainable. The cost...it was just so much.
Nothing is ever too much for God.
Man, has He shown me that over the past few months. I still go back to that day that the nurse called me to tell me my pregnancy test was negative. It was our 4th failed IUI. I remember her saying that we were out of options and that we needed to move forward. I remember the room spinning and me crying and Jacob holding me and me crying some more. I will never forget that moment. I completely gave up. I completely let go. I knew that I had to because I had tried everything on my own. And it wasn't working. (duh) ;)
In less than 3 months, through fundraisers, donations, garage sales, auctions, personal savings, and selling unneeded items, we raised enough to pay cash for our treatment and our medication. We are not in debt. We did not have to take out any loans or anything.
That's big, y'all. Really big. But, I shouldn't have expected anything less. We serve a big God who loves us BIG. He wants to bless us BIG and He has.
There's no amount of thanks that I can voice to show what is on my heart. There are no words that are good enough to be able to express how thankful I am to all of you for being His hands on Earth. But I will try.
Thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for loving us enough to help us. Whether you dropped off items to sell, bought from the sales, donated money, bought t-shirts or bracelets, dropped change in the bottles, filled bottles, participated in the auctions, donated items to be auctioned, hosted parties and donated commission, PRAYED for us, ordered cakes or cupcakes, (I hope I'm not forgetting anything-if I am, I'm sorry!), YOU are a part of this journey. You are special to us and we love you all. We will never ever forget your generosity and thoughtfulness. Ever.
We are in the first days of the meds for ovulation. These are two shots twice a day in my tummy. They don't hurt. And it really wouldn't matter anyway. Like someone told me, "By the time I got to that point, I would have sawed my arm off to become a mommy" I feel the same way. Believe me.
Yesterday while talking to my best friend, we were laughing about something coming up in a couple of months and I said "Well, I'll be pregnant so it will just depend on that." We both kind of giggled and I said, "Isn't that funny how I said that?! But, you know, I just refuse to accept that this isn't going to work because I know it is. Not because of me, but because of God." And, that's exactly how I feel. This is it. I won't allow myself to have any doubts, because that's not Faith. Faith is believing. And I believe.
I ask that you please join us in fervent prayer that the medications we are taking now will do their job and produce lots of good quality eggs. And, then on December 4 (unless that changes) that we will have a smooth retrieval. I will be posting on facebook when we know the date of the embryo transfer. That day, we will need you all to pray constantly for a good transfer and successful implantation.
We love you.
Baby McAdams is coming. I just know it.
<3
Lori
Nothing is ever too much for God.
Man, has He shown me that over the past few months. I still go back to that day that the nurse called me to tell me my pregnancy test was negative. It was our 4th failed IUI. I remember her saying that we were out of options and that we needed to move forward. I remember the room spinning and me crying and Jacob holding me and me crying some more. I will never forget that moment. I completely gave up. I completely let go. I knew that I had to because I had tried everything on my own. And it wasn't working. (duh) ;)
In less than 3 months, through fundraisers, donations, garage sales, auctions, personal savings, and selling unneeded items, we raised enough to pay cash for our treatment and our medication. We are not in debt. We did not have to take out any loans or anything.
That's big, y'all. Really big. But, I shouldn't have expected anything less. We serve a big God who loves us BIG. He wants to bless us BIG and He has.
There's no amount of thanks that I can voice to show what is on my heart. There are no words that are good enough to be able to express how thankful I am to all of you for being His hands on Earth. But I will try.
Thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for loving us enough to help us. Whether you dropped off items to sell, bought from the sales, donated money, bought t-shirts or bracelets, dropped change in the bottles, filled bottles, participated in the auctions, donated items to be auctioned, hosted parties and donated commission, PRAYED for us, ordered cakes or cupcakes, (I hope I'm not forgetting anything-if I am, I'm sorry!), YOU are a part of this journey. You are special to us and we love you all. We will never ever forget your generosity and thoughtfulness. Ever.
We are in the first days of the meds for ovulation. These are two shots twice a day in my tummy. They don't hurt. And it really wouldn't matter anyway. Like someone told me, "By the time I got to that point, I would have sawed my arm off to become a mommy" I feel the same way. Believe me.
Yesterday while talking to my best friend, we were laughing about something coming up in a couple of months and I said "Well, I'll be pregnant so it will just depend on that." We both kind of giggled and I said, "Isn't that funny how I said that?! But, you know, I just refuse to accept that this isn't going to work because I know it is. Not because of me, but because of God." And, that's exactly how I feel. This is it. I won't allow myself to have any doubts, because that's not Faith. Faith is believing. And I believe.
I ask that you please join us in fervent prayer that the medications we are taking now will do their job and produce lots of good quality eggs. And, then on December 4 (unless that changes) that we will have a smooth retrieval. I will be posting on facebook when we know the date of the embryo transfer. That day, we will need you all to pray constantly for a good transfer and successful implantation.
We love you.
Baby McAdams is coming. I just know it.
<3
Lori
Monday, October 6, 2014
#teambaby
This is really happening. I still have to pinch myself from time to time to believe it. We are about to start a new chapter in our journey...a chapter we never thought we would be able to open. These are waters that we have never forged. This is the promise that we've been standing on for more than 4 years now. It is unfolding before our eyes and I can't help but be a little tearful every time I think about it.
Back in August, I was at the lowest point of our journey. I had experienced lows before, don't get me wrong. And, I've been pretty transparent during those times. But, I've never just really felt this broken. I think God wanted this. Not that He wants us to break, but sometimes I think it's a NEED. I think He needs to break OUR will, so we have nothing left to cling to but His. Kind of like disciplining a child..and that's what we are. We are His children. That's pretty simple...yet so profound. We are HIS. Imagine the love you have for your children...you think that nobody can love them like you do, right? I know the love I have for my angel baby. But, we are all wrong...because He loves us even more...and he loves our children even more.
After all, it was He that sent His only Son to die for all of us over 2000 years ago. Remember? Could you do that? No way. I know I couldn't.
He, being our loving Father wants to bless us and give us the desires of our hearts. And, I believe with all of my heart that He is blessing us with the ability to receive our gift (or gifts ) that he has for us.
We are less than $2000 away from being able to pay for IVF.
We are almost there. In fact, we are close enough that we are committing to start this month and have our embryo transfer in December.
Praise the Lord! Give thanks to the Lord for He is Good. His love endures FOREVER. Psalm 106:1
<3 Lori
Back in August, I was at the lowest point of our journey. I had experienced lows before, don't get me wrong. And, I've been pretty transparent during those times. But, I've never just really felt this broken. I think God wanted this. Not that He wants us to break, but sometimes I think it's a NEED. I think He needs to break OUR will, so we have nothing left to cling to but His. Kind of like disciplining a child..and that's what we are. We are His children. That's pretty simple...yet so profound. We are HIS. Imagine the love you have for your children...you think that nobody can love them like you do, right? I know the love I have for my angel baby. But, we are all wrong...because He loves us even more...and he loves our children even more.
After all, it was He that sent His only Son to die for all of us over 2000 years ago. Remember? Could you do that? No way. I know I couldn't.
He, being our loving Father wants to bless us and give us the desires of our hearts. And, I believe with all of my heart that He is blessing us with the ability to receive our gift (or gifts ) that he has for us.
We are less than $2000 away from being able to pay for IVF.
We are almost there. In fact, we are close enough that we are committing to start this month and have our embryo transfer in December.
Praise the Lord! Give thanks to the Lord for He is Good. His love endures FOREVER. Psalm 106:1
<3 Lori
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Five Loaves and 2 Fish
In Luke 9:16 in the Bible, the story of the bread and fish is told. Most of us know this story, but for those who don't...here it is.
16 Then He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, He blessed them, and broke them, and kept giving them to the disciples to set before the people. 17 And they all ate and were satisfied; and the broken pieces which they had left over were picked up, twelve baskets full.
A few weeks ago, we did our final IUI. It was unsuccessful. I don't think that I would have taken the news so hard, if it hadn't been followed with the news we received. "We've gone as far as we can go. IVF is where we need to go."
I cried. A LOT. I screamed. EVEN MORE. And I yelled at my husband, at my family, and at God.
I was SO MAD. I have prayed. I have thousands of people praying with me and for me. I have done everything I know to do. WHY DOES GOD HATE ME!?!? WHY IS HE PUNISHING ME?!?
I am SO GLAD He forgives my temper tantrums. Because that's literally what I had...complete with laying in the floor and kicking and screaming. Yeah, it was ugly. And, for my sweet husband's sake, I hope I can maintain my composure and never do that again. lol!
My bestie text me and and said she was coming to see me. She always knows when I really just need her to come over. She showed up with a bouquet of flowers...oh how I love her. We went to dinner and she told me that "we" could do this.
How? It seems so huge! There's no way we can come up with $15000.00. We don't have that kind of money!
Well, "we" can't. But God can.
In less than 24 hours, we had over $300 donated to our account. We started selling these bracelets and people got interested.
We decided to have a garage sale. We asked for donations...and I cleaned out my house. We (me and Jake) said we would sell everything we own if that's what it takes. We are going to walk by Faith and show our determination.
This is where the parable above comes in.
When I tell you that we are STILL getting donations for our sales, I am NOT exaggerating. We had SO much stuff that we didn't even know what to do with it. My garage is packed floor to ceiling still and we had a 3 day sale this past weekend at my house.
We raised a grand total of $2900.00 at that sale.
Hello, God. Thank you! Thank you for putting me in my place once again. And Thank you for showing me what You can do with your people.
I have had friends and family donate continuously. We are having another sale on 9/6 in Quitman. Then another one back in Longview on 9/20.
Our account total right now is at almost $6000.00. Yes. in less than a month, we have raised that much!
I love EACH AND EVERY ONE of you. Jake does too! He is working hard and trying to work extra when he can to help speed up the process. All the proceeds for any cakes I do from beginning to end are going in this account.
This is super exciting and we are getting there quickly! Thank you for reading, praying, and sharing in our journey.
Love, Lori
#teambaby #matthew21:22
16 Then He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, He blessed them, and broke them, and kept giving them to the disciples to set before the people. 17 And they all ate and were satisfied; and the broken pieces which they had left over were picked up, twelve baskets full.
A few weeks ago, we did our final IUI. It was unsuccessful. I don't think that I would have taken the news so hard, if it hadn't been followed with the news we received. "We've gone as far as we can go. IVF is where we need to go."
I cried. A LOT. I screamed. EVEN MORE. And I yelled at my husband, at my family, and at God.
I was SO MAD. I have prayed. I have thousands of people praying with me and for me. I have done everything I know to do. WHY DOES GOD HATE ME!?!? WHY IS HE PUNISHING ME?!?
I am SO GLAD He forgives my temper tantrums. Because that's literally what I had...complete with laying in the floor and kicking and screaming. Yeah, it was ugly. And, for my sweet husband's sake, I hope I can maintain my composure and never do that again. lol!
My bestie text me and and said she was coming to see me. She always knows when I really just need her to come over. She showed up with a bouquet of flowers...oh how I love her. We went to dinner and she told me that "we" could do this.
How? It seems so huge! There's no way we can come up with $15000.00. We don't have that kind of money!
Well, "we" can't. But God can.
In less than 24 hours, we had over $300 donated to our account. We started selling these bracelets and people got interested.
This is where the parable above comes in.
When I tell you that we are STILL getting donations for our sales, I am NOT exaggerating. We had SO much stuff that we didn't even know what to do with it. My garage is packed floor to ceiling still and we had a 3 day sale this past weekend at my house.
We raised a grand total of $2900.00 at that sale.
Hello, God. Thank you! Thank you for putting me in my place once again. And Thank you for showing me what You can do with your people.
I have had friends and family donate continuously. We are having another sale on 9/6 in Quitman. Then another one back in Longview on 9/20.
Our account total right now is at almost $6000.00. Yes. in less than a month, we have raised that much!
I love EACH AND EVERY ONE of you. Jake does too! He is working hard and trying to work extra when he can to help speed up the process. All the proceeds for any cakes I do from beginning to end are going in this account.
This is super exciting and we are getting there quickly! Thank you for reading, praying, and sharing in our journey.
Love, Lori
#teambaby #matthew21:22
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Once Upon A Time...
I had to share this somewhere. I didn't want to post it on facebook because I didn't want the millions of questions and the "congratulations" from those who just see the pic and don't read the caption...I just had to acknowledge it. Because, if for nobody else, this was and is still important to us.
I downloaded this app called TimeHop a couple of weeks ago. It's been really cool looking back at what I posted 4-5 years ago. Seeing how young I look...reading the posts about me and Jake getting engaged. Wedding planning....etc etc.
Until yesterday.
This was on my timehop. I literally felt my heart break. I knew the date was coming up. But, I guess I was hoping it would skip over this post. I actually thought I had deleted it...
I downloaded this app called TimeHop a couple of weeks ago. It's been really cool looking back at what I posted 4-5 years ago. Seeing how young I look...reading the posts about me and Jake getting engaged. Wedding planning....etc etc.
Until yesterday.
This was on my timehop. I literally felt my heart break. I knew the date was coming up. But, I guess I was hoping it would skip over this post. I actually thought I had deleted it...
I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember looking at that pregnancy test and thinking...no way. Are you sure??? I started crying and laughing at the same time. I was on birth control. This isn't even possible! WHAT?!?! I immediately called Jake and he came running in there and I handed him the test and he just smiled and hugged me and said "Congrats!" lol
Congrats? Um...what?
Then he took a minute to let it sink in and he turned around and looked at me and said, "I'm gonna be a daddy! You're gonna be a mommy!" And the tears fell.
We left and went straight to my moms house. I walked in the door and she was waiting on me. She said, "what's wrong?" I said, "Mom...I'm gonna have a baby!" She jumped up and was crying by the time she grabbed me and kissed my cheek. She just kept saying over and over how happy she was. She hugged Jake and hugged me again. It was a beautiful moment. One that I will never ever forget.
I called my sister at work. She was 8 months pregnant with Carlisle. She answered the phone and I said, "Sissy I have something to tell you. I'm pregnant!" She started crying. Yes. MY SISTER. lol! I went up to see her and she came up and hugged me and had tears running down her face. She was so happy.
I was so happy.
We were SO happy.
We went to the doctor and got our due date that day. I started planning. It was the most exciting feeling I've ever experienced.
I can't wait to feel that again.
I'll miss you every day of my life until I see you again my sweet baby.
Love,
Baby McAdams' Mommy
Monday, July 14, 2014
Preparing our Tent
As most of you all know, we are back on track with our treatments. We went to see my RE and he cleared us to start the shots. This is something we have been trying to do since March. It's VERY expensive. But, we are willing to do whatever we have to do in order to pursue our dream :)
In my last post, I mentioned that I was really struggling with "Letting Go" and giving this completely to God. Now, mind you, it's not because I haven't wanted to...or even that I haven't tried. But I just felt like I had to hold on to a little of it. Just a smidgen.
Completely ridiculous on my part. lol!
After a very heartfelt conversation with my brother, I knew that I needed to turn it loose. He called me concerned about my well-being after a post I made about feeling like I was starting to get very depressed. He wasn't judging me whatsoever. He just kept telling me that he felt like he had some things laid on his heart that he needed to tell me. I listened to every word and I can honestly say that I felt so honored that he cared enough to call me and share what was on his heart.
So, I talked to my mom about it...and of course my husband. And, then I prayed. I asked God to take this fear away from me. The fear of letting go and the fear of failure and disappointment. I felt it leave my body. Like a huge burden just floated off of my shoulders and I felt free.
The time came for me to go see my RE this past Friday and for the first time, I wasn't scared. I was confident. I felt sure that we would be good to go. I normally post and ask everyone to pray for us before these appointments but I didn't really feel that way. I sent a few private messages to my close friends who have been praying us through this just to inform them of what was going on but that was it. And, just as I expected...everything was good!
Well, I started the injections on Saturday. My mom gives them to me in my tummy. They are just little needles and it's relatively painless. But, I can't do it to myself. Lol! So, she blesses me with her nursing skills and takes care of it for me. Her husband told me last night, "Every time I see you you're shooting up!" lol! I was mixing the meds and it gave me a good laugh. Oh the stories I will have to share with our children when they get here :)
Yesterday as I was climbing into the pool at home, a facebook message popped up from my cousin, Jessica. This is what it said, "Isaiah 54:1-3 It was our message this morning and God put you on my heart!" I sent back a smile and told her thank you and that I would read it. I immediately went to the Bible app and searched for the scripture. This is what I read:
“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband says the Lord. “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities."
Wow. Pretty powerful stuff. She then sent to me " I couldn't shake it and I knew God needed me to share it with you. The minute we started service, I had you on my heart." I replied "That's so cool. I read it to Jake and he said, what does that mean? lol. I said Looks like we need to start preparing our tent!;)" She said, "Our message after that scripture was be expecting that God is going to do it not just hopeful that he might!"
In my last post, I mentioned that I was really struggling with "Letting Go" and giving this completely to God. Now, mind you, it's not because I haven't wanted to...or even that I haven't tried. But I just felt like I had to hold on to a little of it. Just a smidgen.
Completely ridiculous on my part. lol!
After a very heartfelt conversation with my brother, I knew that I needed to turn it loose. He called me concerned about my well-being after a post I made about feeling like I was starting to get very depressed. He wasn't judging me whatsoever. He just kept telling me that he felt like he had some things laid on his heart that he needed to tell me. I listened to every word and I can honestly say that I felt so honored that he cared enough to call me and share what was on his heart.
So, I talked to my mom about it...and of course my husband. And, then I prayed. I asked God to take this fear away from me. The fear of letting go and the fear of failure and disappointment. I felt it leave my body. Like a huge burden just floated off of my shoulders and I felt free.
The time came for me to go see my RE this past Friday and for the first time, I wasn't scared. I was confident. I felt sure that we would be good to go. I normally post and ask everyone to pray for us before these appointments but I didn't really feel that way. I sent a few private messages to my close friends who have been praying us through this just to inform them of what was going on but that was it. And, just as I expected...everything was good!
Well, I started the injections on Saturday. My mom gives them to me in my tummy. They are just little needles and it's relatively painless. But, I can't do it to myself. Lol! So, she blesses me with her nursing skills and takes care of it for me. Her husband told me last night, "Every time I see you you're shooting up!" lol! I was mixing the meds and it gave me a good laugh. Oh the stories I will have to share with our children when they get here :)
Yesterday as I was climbing into the pool at home, a facebook message popped up from my cousin, Jessica. This is what it said, "Isaiah 54:1-3 It was our message this morning and God put you on my heart!" I sent back a smile and told her thank you and that I would read it. I immediately went to the Bible app and searched for the scripture. This is what I read:
“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband says the Lord. “Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities."
This just smacked me right in the face and I got tears in my eyes. I told my mom about it when we went over for my shot and she thought it was pretty cool too.
So...here we go... we will start "preparing our tent"
Love,
Lori
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Open My Eyes
Throughout this journey, adoption has never really been something that we have considered. Not that it's not a good idea. Just not something that our hearts were compelled toward.
I will admit that there was a time that I asked Jake, "What if we are never able to get pregnant? Are you willing to adopt?" His answer was a firm "No." I asked him to explain why and he did. In order to respect his privacy, I will just say that I understood his reasoning...but prayed for God to soften his heart when and if the time was right.
On Monday, after I posted "Still Waiting" I got a few messages from different people asking me if we had considered adoption, or more-so encouraging us to consider it. I, of course, in protection of Jake's wishes, shut it down graciously.
Tuesday morning, I got a call that I never expected to get. Due to the legality of the matter, I won't be able to give a ton of information on this, but I will share what I can. The call was regarding a family with 6 children that needed placement. The children ranged from 7 months to 7 years. Their living conditions were unacceptable and Child Protective Services was involved. We were told the parents had until today (Thursday) to voluntarily place the children, or the state would be placing them.
Oh, Lord, what are You doing? Is this the answer to my "Why?" Is this the way you're going to give us our miracle?
ALL of these thoughts rushed through my head as tears ran down my face wondering what in the world we were going to do and if Jake would even be willing. I called him and he said he needed to think about it. I started praying. I prayed that God would make it so obvious to us if this is what we are supposed to do that we would not be able to shake it. I prayed for His peace if it wasn't in His will. I called back and asked more questions. Were the children going to be placed for adoption? Was this temporary or what? I knew in my heart that I am not made to be a foster parent. I had a very close family friend growing up that was a foster parent. She and her husband had two different children placed with them and two different times. And both were supposed to stay...and then didn't. I can remember seeing her cry. You know that ugly cry that is heart-wrenching to anyone and incapable of being comforted. That has stayed with me my whole life. I remember how much it hurt ME when those little ones were taken back. I VOWED to never allow myself to experience that kind of pain. So, that was important for me to know.
I prayed to God, "Lord, Please don't let me bring these children home if they won't be mine. I can't give them back. Please slam the door shut if they will have to leave because you know my heart is too tender for that."
We made an appointment to go and meet the children. Oh my stars, it was life-changing. I can promise you that if I could, I would have loaded up all 6 of those kids and brought them home with me. But, that's just not feasible for us. I couldn't get a good feeling while we were out there and I could tell Jake couldn't either so we chose to go home and pray for the kids to be placed where they needed to be. But, we just didn't feel like it was what we were supposed to do.
Well, all night I couldn't shake it. I just kept crying thinking about those kids and that I just knew they thought we didn't want them. I cried and prayed and talked to Jake. I dreamed about them. I couldn't shake it. So, I woke Jake up and told him that God just wasn't letting me let this go. He told me to go get two of the little girls. The 4 year old and the 7 month old.
I called and told them what we were willing to do...and even then I was still thinking about taking the oldest one as well. I rushed to go get car seats and started calling around trying to find a baby bed and a twin size bed. I was laughing and crying at the same time because I was scared to death but I knew that God would hear my cry. I knew that if He was letting this happen, they were going to be ours. He is the keeper of our hearts and I KNOW He will protect them when we ask Him to.
I was literally pulling into park to get the car seats when I got another call.
The state won't allow the children to be separated.
One would think that I would have lost it at that point. But, I just took a deep breath and said, "OK" I prayed and thanked God for keeping us safe. I prayed and asked Him to protect the children and place them where He wants them.
Now, the whole reason I'm sharing this story is not for pity for me and Jake or even for the children involved. Although, I will ask you to pray your socks off for these kids because they need TONS of love. I don't think they will ever go back to their parents but I don't know that for certain. I just want them to be safe and loved the way they deserve to be. They are so precious. And they have changed me forever and have no idea. The reason I am sharing this is because, if for no other reason, this whole experience has changed my heart and my husband's heart. We are still going to fight with all we have to be able to bring a child into this world. But, the Lord said we are to love the least of these...and that's what we want to do.
I am working on giving this completely and totally to Him. That is HARD. I want to just hold on to a little bit so I'm in control of it. The funny thing is, I'm not in control of this AT ALL. So, please pray for me to be able to let Him take the wheel. I know that then and only then will I be able to be at peace with this. So thankful for a prayerful, God-fearing "little" brother who loves me enough to remind me of this. :)
<3 Lori
I will admit that there was a time that I asked Jake, "What if we are never able to get pregnant? Are you willing to adopt?" His answer was a firm "No." I asked him to explain why and he did. In order to respect his privacy, I will just say that I understood his reasoning...but prayed for God to soften his heart when and if the time was right.
On Monday, after I posted "Still Waiting" I got a few messages from different people asking me if we had considered adoption, or more-so encouraging us to consider it. I, of course, in protection of Jake's wishes, shut it down graciously.
Tuesday morning, I got a call that I never expected to get. Due to the legality of the matter, I won't be able to give a ton of information on this, but I will share what I can. The call was regarding a family with 6 children that needed placement. The children ranged from 7 months to 7 years. Their living conditions were unacceptable and Child Protective Services was involved. We were told the parents had until today (Thursday) to voluntarily place the children, or the state would be placing them.
Oh, Lord, what are You doing? Is this the answer to my "Why?" Is this the way you're going to give us our miracle?
ALL of these thoughts rushed through my head as tears ran down my face wondering what in the world we were going to do and if Jake would even be willing. I called him and he said he needed to think about it. I started praying. I prayed that God would make it so obvious to us if this is what we are supposed to do that we would not be able to shake it. I prayed for His peace if it wasn't in His will. I called back and asked more questions. Were the children going to be placed for adoption? Was this temporary or what? I knew in my heart that I am not made to be a foster parent. I had a very close family friend growing up that was a foster parent. She and her husband had two different children placed with them and two different times. And both were supposed to stay...and then didn't. I can remember seeing her cry. You know that ugly cry that is heart-wrenching to anyone and incapable of being comforted. That has stayed with me my whole life. I remember how much it hurt ME when those little ones were taken back. I VOWED to never allow myself to experience that kind of pain. So, that was important for me to know.
I prayed to God, "Lord, Please don't let me bring these children home if they won't be mine. I can't give them back. Please slam the door shut if they will have to leave because you know my heart is too tender for that."
We made an appointment to go and meet the children. Oh my stars, it was life-changing. I can promise you that if I could, I would have loaded up all 6 of those kids and brought them home with me. But, that's just not feasible for us. I couldn't get a good feeling while we were out there and I could tell Jake couldn't either so we chose to go home and pray for the kids to be placed where they needed to be. But, we just didn't feel like it was what we were supposed to do.
Well, all night I couldn't shake it. I just kept crying thinking about those kids and that I just knew they thought we didn't want them. I cried and prayed and talked to Jake. I dreamed about them. I couldn't shake it. So, I woke Jake up and told him that God just wasn't letting me let this go. He told me to go get two of the little girls. The 4 year old and the 7 month old.
I called and told them what we were willing to do...and even then I was still thinking about taking the oldest one as well. I rushed to go get car seats and started calling around trying to find a baby bed and a twin size bed. I was laughing and crying at the same time because I was scared to death but I knew that God would hear my cry. I knew that if He was letting this happen, they were going to be ours. He is the keeper of our hearts and I KNOW He will protect them when we ask Him to.
I was literally pulling into park to get the car seats when I got another call.
The state won't allow the children to be separated.
One would think that I would have lost it at that point. But, I just took a deep breath and said, "OK" I prayed and thanked God for keeping us safe. I prayed and asked Him to protect the children and place them where He wants them.
Now, the whole reason I'm sharing this story is not for pity for me and Jake or even for the children involved. Although, I will ask you to pray your socks off for these kids because they need TONS of love. I don't think they will ever go back to their parents but I don't know that for certain. I just want them to be safe and loved the way they deserve to be. They are so precious. And they have changed me forever and have no idea. The reason I am sharing this is because, if for no other reason, this whole experience has changed my heart and my husband's heart. We are still going to fight with all we have to be able to bring a child into this world. But, the Lord said we are to love the least of these...and that's what we want to do.
I am working on giving this completely and totally to Him. That is HARD. I want to just hold on to a little bit so I'm in control of it. The funny thing is, I'm not in control of this AT ALL. So, please pray for me to be able to let Him take the wheel. I know that then and only then will I be able to be at peace with this. So thankful for a prayerful, God-fearing "little" brother who loves me enough to remind me of this. :)
<3 Lori
Monday, June 16, 2014
Still waiting
I kept thinking that I would wait to post when I could make THE big announcement. You know, the "Woohoo we're pregnant" post. But, here we are 7 months since the last post and it still hasn't happened. So, I will catch you up on what has been going on thus far and it will probably be pretty emotional and raw because today, for me, is a really bad day. It started yesterday and I don't think I've gone longer than a couple of hours without crying since.
The surgery was definitely successful. We went for our post op appointment and everything was perfect! We were so excited. I started my medication and on day 14 of that cycle, we had an egg! That was the first time I had a confirmed ovulation throughout this entire journey. We did our first IUI and just KNEW it was successful. On January 27, I went for my HCG blood test and it was negative. I cried. A LOT. But, I just got myself together and said, "We are closer than we've ever been. This is not over. We will try again next month." I found myself comforting my friends who were sad for me. I found an inner strength (through Jesus) that I had never experienced before. So, we started over and in February, I had 3 eggs! I was SO excited. Everyone was! I feel like there are so many people going through this journey with us and that means so much to us both. We did another IUI, and it was negative. That was hard. I couldn't understand why out of 3 eggs one didn't take. But, once again, I put on a happy face and told everyone "Hey! It's okay! We are only getting better, not worse! It's gonna happen! Let's do this!" So, again in March, we started the medication and kept right on rolling. This time, we only got 1 egg. That's all it takes, though, right? So, I was hopefully optimistic, once again. And, once again, we did not get pregnant.
Now, I am one of the people who says, "We have 3 failed IUI's" We said we weren't going to do more than 3. We said if the 3rd didn't work we were going to move straight to IVF. That was our deal. We have to stick to the plan.
HA.
I went in (Jake was out of town working) for our IVF consultation and had a long talk with Dr. Vandermollen. He was very encouraging, as always. He told me that he just doesn't believe we are going to have to go to IVF. There's no reason (medically speaking) that I can't get pregnant and have a baby. None. So, he wanted us to do a cycle with injectible medication. Which, of course is EXTREMELY expensive. But, still, not as expensive as IVF. So, after going home and facetiming with Jake, we decided to do just that. We waited for my next cycle and when we went in to make sure we were clear to proceed, we were put on hold.
I had 3 cysts.
It was like a smack in the face. I swallowed the huge lump in throat and asked the dr what that meant. He said we would have to wait a month and then come back and see if they went away on their own. Great. So, I got to my car and cried. I called Jake and told him. He, of course because he is my rock, told me it's okay and just to take this chance to relax and breathe without working about cycle days and charting and everything else that consumes every single day of our life.
I went back in May just knowing everything would be clear. Not so. I had actually ovulated on my own, and those eggs had left behind tiny cysts in different places. So, the good news was the other cysts had disappeared and my body is working properly without meds. The bad news is, we have to go on birth control now for a month so that my ovaries will "rest" and the cysts will go away.
Birth control? WHAT?!?!?!? Yeah, I hate it. Seems like such a backwards leap. But, I know medically speaking it makes sense and that's what I'm paying this Dr for so, I did what he said.
Now, here we are in June. I thought we would for sure be good now. Jake and I went to the clinic and the nurse checked my right side and it was clear! I was relieved. Then, the left side...has a tiny cyst (16mm). They decided to do a blood count of my estrogen level. They were sure it would be fine and we could go ahead and proceed because that cyst was so small, surely it wasn't producing any hormones.
Wrong.
So, here I am another month of birth control. Another month of waiting to see if we can move forward. Another month of being reminded that I am quickly approaching 36 and all of my friends have kids that are in high school. I am running out of time. My husband doesn't deserve this. It's all my fault.
I know these are all super negative thoughts. But, I told you this would be pretty raw. I'm sad. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my dream.
I feel guilty for being sad. I feel like I need to suck it up because there are so many other people out there hurting so much. Their issues are so much bigger than mine. I feel selfish for crying. But, that doesn't dry my tears.
Hopefully when we go back in July, we will be able to move forward. This has been a long 4 years of trying. And, I'm just emotionally worn out. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I don't want to hear " Well, you're like a mother to so many children." I don't want to be LIKE a mother. I want to be A MOTHER. I want my husband to be a father. I want all the good and bad that comes with being a parent. I don't care how hard it is. I want it. All of it.
Lord, please hear my broken-hearted plea. You know my heart. And, it is my heart's desire to be a mom. I want to have a family that will honor and glorify you. Lord, I am not too proud to beg you. Please. Please give us our miracle. Please don't delay.
<3 Lori
The surgery was definitely successful. We went for our post op appointment and everything was perfect! We were so excited. I started my medication and on day 14 of that cycle, we had an egg! That was the first time I had a confirmed ovulation throughout this entire journey. We did our first IUI and just KNEW it was successful. On January 27, I went for my HCG blood test and it was negative. I cried. A LOT. But, I just got myself together and said, "We are closer than we've ever been. This is not over. We will try again next month." I found myself comforting my friends who were sad for me. I found an inner strength (through Jesus) that I had never experienced before. So, we started over and in February, I had 3 eggs! I was SO excited. Everyone was! I feel like there are so many people going through this journey with us and that means so much to us both. We did another IUI, and it was negative. That was hard. I couldn't understand why out of 3 eggs one didn't take. But, once again, I put on a happy face and told everyone "Hey! It's okay! We are only getting better, not worse! It's gonna happen! Let's do this!" So, again in March, we started the medication and kept right on rolling. This time, we only got 1 egg. That's all it takes, though, right? So, I was hopefully optimistic, once again. And, once again, we did not get pregnant.
Now, I am one of the people who says, "We have 3 failed IUI's" We said we weren't going to do more than 3. We said if the 3rd didn't work we were going to move straight to IVF. That was our deal. We have to stick to the plan.
HA.
I went in (Jake was out of town working) for our IVF consultation and had a long talk with Dr. Vandermollen. He was very encouraging, as always. He told me that he just doesn't believe we are going to have to go to IVF. There's no reason (medically speaking) that I can't get pregnant and have a baby. None. So, he wanted us to do a cycle with injectible medication. Which, of course is EXTREMELY expensive. But, still, not as expensive as IVF. So, after going home and facetiming with Jake, we decided to do just that. We waited for my next cycle and when we went in to make sure we were clear to proceed, we were put on hold.
I had 3 cysts.
It was like a smack in the face. I swallowed the huge lump in throat and asked the dr what that meant. He said we would have to wait a month and then come back and see if they went away on their own. Great. So, I got to my car and cried. I called Jake and told him. He, of course because he is my rock, told me it's okay and just to take this chance to relax and breathe without working about cycle days and charting and everything else that consumes every single day of our life.
I went back in May just knowing everything would be clear. Not so. I had actually ovulated on my own, and those eggs had left behind tiny cysts in different places. So, the good news was the other cysts had disappeared and my body is working properly without meds. The bad news is, we have to go on birth control now for a month so that my ovaries will "rest" and the cysts will go away.
Birth control? WHAT?!?!?!? Yeah, I hate it. Seems like such a backwards leap. But, I know medically speaking it makes sense and that's what I'm paying this Dr for so, I did what he said.
Now, here we are in June. I thought we would for sure be good now. Jake and I went to the clinic and the nurse checked my right side and it was clear! I was relieved. Then, the left side...has a tiny cyst (16mm). They decided to do a blood count of my estrogen level. They were sure it would be fine and we could go ahead and proceed because that cyst was so small, surely it wasn't producing any hormones.
Wrong.
So, here I am another month of birth control. Another month of waiting to see if we can move forward. Another month of being reminded that I am quickly approaching 36 and all of my friends have kids that are in high school. I am running out of time. My husband doesn't deserve this. It's all my fault.
I know these are all super negative thoughts. But, I told you this would be pretty raw. I'm sad. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my dream.
I feel guilty for being sad. I feel like I need to suck it up because there are so many other people out there hurting so much. Their issues are so much bigger than mine. I feel selfish for crying. But, that doesn't dry my tears.
Hopefully when we go back in July, we will be able to move forward. This has been a long 4 years of trying. And, I'm just emotionally worn out. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mother. I don't want to hear " Well, you're like a mother to so many children." I don't want to be LIKE a mother. I want to be A MOTHER. I want my husband to be a father. I want all the good and bad that comes with being a parent. I don't care how hard it is. I want it. All of it.
Lord, please hear my broken-hearted plea. You know my heart. And, it is my heart's desire to be a mom. I want to have a family that will honor and glorify you. Lord, I am not too proud to beg you. Please. Please give us our miracle. Please don't delay.
<3 Lori
Thursday, November 7, 2013
One Week
In one week this will all be over.
In one week this cyst will not be in my body anymore.
In one week the one thing that is (potentially) standing between me and motherhood will be history.
One week.
I'm scared to death.
I went to the doctor for my follow up a couple of weeks ago. The cyst had grown...a lot. It grew enough in the short period of time that my doctor was even surprised. He just scratched his head and looked at me.
Then he said the words I never expected to hear: I may have to take your ovary. This could be cancer.
Wait, what?
He then commenced to tell me what my "survival rate" will be if it's this type or if it's that type. He kept saying "if your cancer" this and "if your cancer" that. I stopped him mid-sentence and asked him, "Are you telling me that I have cancer?" He said, "No. But I'll be honest with you. I am worried."
I am not claiming cancer. I am not owning it. I will come out of this surgery with both ovaries in tact and fully functional and cancer free.
That's what my heart says.
But I'm still afraid. Even though I know that fear is not of the Lord. The Lord has not given us a spirit of fear. He says so in His Word.
Please pray for me and especially for my sweet husband.
He is scared too.
Surgery is next Wednesday at 7:30. If you have any questions, Jake will have my phone.
<3
Lori
In one week this cyst will not be in my body anymore.
In one week the one thing that is (potentially) standing between me and motherhood will be history.
One week.
I'm scared to death.
I went to the doctor for my follow up a couple of weeks ago. The cyst had grown...a lot. It grew enough in the short period of time that my doctor was even surprised. He just scratched his head and looked at me.
Then he said the words I never expected to hear: I may have to take your ovary. This could be cancer.
Wait, what?
He then commenced to tell me what my "survival rate" will be if it's this type or if it's that type. He kept saying "if your cancer" this and "if your cancer" that. I stopped him mid-sentence and asked him, "Are you telling me that I have cancer?" He said, "No. But I'll be honest with you. I am worried."
I am not claiming cancer. I am not owning it. I will come out of this surgery with both ovaries in tact and fully functional and cancer free.
That's what my heart says.
But I'm still afraid. Even though I know that fear is not of the Lord. The Lord has not given us a spirit of fear. He says so in His Word.
Please pray for me and especially for my sweet husband.
He is scared too.
Surgery is next Wednesday at 7:30. If you have any questions, Jake will have my phone.
<3
Lori
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
HE IS ABLE!!!
I have not posted an update until now because I have been waiting until I had all of the information to share. Now I do, so here I am :)
First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you who have read my blog and are praying us through this emotionally and physically taxing journey. There are some days that I just feel like I can't do it anymore. But, God has not given us a spirit of fear, so I tell Satan to leave me alone and keep on keeping on.
Growing up in church, I sang in the children's and youth choirs. I loved to sing the special music on Sundays and would fight through the butterflies to do so every chance I got. One of my most favorite songs to sing was "He is Able." I had no idea how much that song would come to mean to me as an adult. It is so true...and I catch myself humming it more and more these days. Here are the lyrics:
"Like peering through a window blurred with rain,
emotions run together in a flood of doubt & pain.
We've prayed as best we can. Now we must leave it in His hands.
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
Questions seem to haunt us night and day
How could my God allow my heart to be torn this way?
Does He listen when I call? Is He even there at all?
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
He is ABLE!
And as the night gives way to dawning and evaporates away
I stand to face another day
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE! HE IS ABLE!
HE IS ABLE!!!!
Wow. What a message, right?
So, here's the deal: We went to our RE on September 29 with the belief that we were going for our baseline to begin the steps for our first procedure in assisted conception of our miracle baby. Well, that morning I prayed while I was in the shower. I told God, "Lord, I'm giving this to you. All of it. I know I have always held on to a little bit of it...but as of today, I am laying it all at Your feet. I am asking you to see this through and to bring our dream of being parents to not only our heavenly baby but a baby we can honor You with here on Earth to fruition. I love you and I thank you in advance because I know you hear my cry."
Now that may seem fairly insignificant to some...but that was the hardest thing for me to do. But the instant I said it and actually MEANT it, I felt a HUGE release. It was as if I physically felt my precious Savior take this burden from me. I have never felt so free.
We got to the doctor's office and everything seemed to be going fine until he told me that he had found a cyst. Same place. Same size.
I felt like I was thrown backward. I felt myself starting to spiral.
Then I heard Jesus' voice in my ear, " I already knew about this. Trust in me."
There were no tears. I couldn't cry. I just asked all of the questions that came to me and completely held it together. I was so calm and so matter of fact. The doctor told me that we would have to put everything on hold and that it would require surgery. However he is booked way out so it would be mid to end of November if they were able to squeeze me in. Otherwise, it could be after the first of the year.
I took a deep breath and just said, "okay. Let's do it." My husband remained so calm. He keeps any part of me that wants to flip out very calm. He is my perfect match. I love him so.
My surgery is scheduled for November 13 at 7:30am. I am full of hope that this will be the final step.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Baby McAdams is already so loved and he or she isn't even on their way...yet ;)
<3 Lori
First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you who have read my blog and are praying us through this emotionally and physically taxing journey. There are some days that I just feel like I can't do it anymore. But, God has not given us a spirit of fear, so I tell Satan to leave me alone and keep on keeping on.
Growing up in church, I sang in the children's and youth choirs. I loved to sing the special music on Sundays and would fight through the butterflies to do so every chance I got. One of my most favorite songs to sing was "He is Able." I had no idea how much that song would come to mean to me as an adult. It is so true...and I catch myself humming it more and more these days. Here are the lyrics:
"Like peering through a window blurred with rain,
emotions run together in a flood of doubt & pain.
We've prayed as best we can. Now we must leave it in His hands.
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
Questions seem to haunt us night and day
How could my God allow my heart to be torn this way?
Does He listen when I call? Is He even there at all?
Yet I know when my eyes fail to see, HE IS ABLE.
Even though it seems impossible to me, HE IS ABLE
And if He chooses not to move in the way we prayed He would,
Confident He's working all together for my good
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE.
He is ABLE!
And as the night gives way to dawning and evaporates away
I stand to face another day
And I will stand behind His word for HE IS ABLE! HE IS ABLE!
HE IS ABLE!!!!
Wow. What a message, right?
So, here's the deal: We went to our RE on September 29 with the belief that we were going for our baseline to begin the steps for our first procedure in assisted conception of our miracle baby. Well, that morning I prayed while I was in the shower. I told God, "Lord, I'm giving this to you. All of it. I know I have always held on to a little bit of it...but as of today, I am laying it all at Your feet. I am asking you to see this through and to bring our dream of being parents to not only our heavenly baby but a baby we can honor You with here on Earth to fruition. I love you and I thank you in advance because I know you hear my cry."
Now that may seem fairly insignificant to some...but that was the hardest thing for me to do. But the instant I said it and actually MEANT it, I felt a HUGE release. It was as if I physically felt my precious Savior take this burden from me. I have never felt so free.
We got to the doctor's office and everything seemed to be going fine until he told me that he had found a cyst. Same place. Same size.
I felt like I was thrown backward. I felt myself starting to spiral.
Then I heard Jesus' voice in my ear, " I already knew about this. Trust in me."
There were no tears. I couldn't cry. I just asked all of the questions that came to me and completely held it together. I was so calm and so matter of fact. The doctor told me that we would have to put everything on hold and that it would require surgery. However he is booked way out so it would be mid to end of November if they were able to squeeze me in. Otherwise, it could be after the first of the year.
I took a deep breath and just said, "okay. Let's do it." My husband remained so calm. He keeps any part of me that wants to flip out very calm. He is my perfect match. I love him so.
My surgery is scheduled for November 13 at 7:30am. I am full of hope that this will be the final step.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Baby McAdams is already so loved and he or she isn't even on their way...yet ;)
<3 Lori
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Keep Calm and Carry On
I know I promised to update this more...that wasn't an empty promise. But, things happen...life happens. Sorry! But, I'm here now so that's what counts :)
We had an appointment last Monday at a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have a few friends that have used this particular doctor so I wanted to at least consult with him and see if he had a different take on our situation. He usually has a 6-8 month wait to get in with him so I have had this appointment for a while.
A couple of weeks ago I had another negative test. Another one that I took and placed on the counter and went to the bedroom and begged God to make both lines appear on. Another one that had only one line. It wasn't any different than the thousand others I've taken. But a dam broke in me that day and I cried. I screamed...I yelled...I cried that horrid ugly cry that nobody wants anyone to see. EVER. I told God I was mad at Him. I told my husband to leave me because I can't even give him a child and he deserves children. It's all my fault...not his. I gave up. I told him that God wasn't listening to me and that the only thing I've ever begged him for is the ONE thing He won't give me. I threw my hands up and said to everyone I know, " I.AM.DONE." And I meant it.
Evidently my Heavenly Father (so thankful that he allows me to be raw and real with Him and forgives me for it) got a kick out of that. The next morning the clinic where I've been waiting to get in called me and had an opening for the following Monday. OK God. I'll shut up now. ;)
The night before the appointment I was a nervous wreck. I felt totally unprepared. I was so anxious. As I was scrolling through facebook trying to get my mind off of it, I came across a post that had the Bible verse, Phillipians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Ironically one of my facebook friends...a girl I went to school with in Hallsville..had shared that verse with me on my meltdown status as well. I know God sent me those words. And I soaked them in as much as I could. When Jake and I were getting ready to pray before bed, I told him that I didn't want him to pray for a miracle (which is what we pray for every single night). I just wanted him to pray for peace. I wanted him to pray that when we left the appointment we would know if this was the doctor for us and if it was, that God would guide his hands and give him the knowledge to know what will work for us. And what steps God wants us to take. So, he did. I was convinced that we were going to have to do IVF. I just knew that was our only remaining option. I figured when he saw my records and all of my test results, he would tell me that we have to do IVF and that's it.
Praise GOD I was wrong.
I'm not going to go into all of the details of what is going to be taking place over the next few months but I will say that we left that appointment with complete peace. We KNOW this is where God wants us to be and we feel completely confident that this doctor's plan is going to work. I will share as we are ready. I just ask you all to please please pray that this will work and that we won't have to wait much longer. If you are going through your day and either of us pop in your head, please just say a quick prayer for us. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers and just need them to keep coming. God knows our hearts. And we know that He hears every one.
Praying for Baby McAdams to arrive in 2014 :)
I recently heard that this song was written by Pink after suffering a miscarriage. Most of you know Jake and I went through that in July 2010. Anyway, listen to the words. So sweet. Dare you not to cry! ;)
<3
Lori
We had an appointment last Monday at a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. I have a few friends that have used this particular doctor so I wanted to at least consult with him and see if he had a different take on our situation. He usually has a 6-8 month wait to get in with him so I have had this appointment for a while.
A couple of weeks ago I had another negative test. Another one that I took and placed on the counter and went to the bedroom and begged God to make both lines appear on. Another one that had only one line. It wasn't any different than the thousand others I've taken. But a dam broke in me that day and I cried. I screamed...I yelled...I cried that horrid ugly cry that nobody wants anyone to see. EVER. I told God I was mad at Him. I told my husband to leave me because I can't even give him a child and he deserves children. It's all my fault...not his. I gave up. I told him that God wasn't listening to me and that the only thing I've ever begged him for is the ONE thing He won't give me. I threw my hands up and said to everyone I know, " I.AM.DONE." And I meant it.
Evidently my Heavenly Father (so thankful that he allows me to be raw and real with Him and forgives me for it) got a kick out of that. The next morning the clinic where I've been waiting to get in called me and had an opening for the following Monday. OK God. I'll shut up now. ;)
The night before the appointment I was a nervous wreck. I felt totally unprepared. I was so anxious. As I was scrolling through facebook trying to get my mind off of it, I came across a post that had the Bible verse, Phillipians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Ironically one of my facebook friends...a girl I went to school with in Hallsville..had shared that verse with me on my meltdown status as well. I know God sent me those words. And I soaked them in as much as I could. When Jake and I were getting ready to pray before bed, I told him that I didn't want him to pray for a miracle (which is what we pray for every single night). I just wanted him to pray for peace. I wanted him to pray that when we left the appointment we would know if this was the doctor for us and if it was, that God would guide his hands and give him the knowledge to know what will work for us. And what steps God wants us to take. So, he did. I was convinced that we were going to have to do IVF. I just knew that was our only remaining option. I figured when he saw my records and all of my test results, he would tell me that we have to do IVF and that's it.
Praise GOD I was wrong.
I'm not going to go into all of the details of what is going to be taking place over the next few months but I will say that we left that appointment with complete peace. We KNOW this is where God wants us to be and we feel completely confident that this doctor's plan is going to work. I will share as we are ready. I just ask you all to please please pray that this will work and that we won't have to wait much longer. If you are going through your day and either of us pop in your head, please just say a quick prayer for us. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers and just need them to keep coming. God knows our hearts. And we know that He hears every one.
Praying for Baby McAdams to arrive in 2014 :)
I recently heard that this song was written by Pink after suffering a miscarriage. Most of you know Jake and I went through that in July 2010. Anyway, listen to the words. So sweet. Dare you not to cry! ;)
Lori
Friday, April 19, 2013
You are who You are...No matter where I am
I have been way to busy for far too long. We have had so much happen since my last blog. I promise to try to do this more often. (key word: try)
For starters, we are now HOME OWNERS!!! YAY!!! I am totally in love with our new home. We are still working on getting settled in but it is so much fun being able to do what we (I) want to the house. lol! Jake really doesn't care...he is happy with his recliner and his bathroom! HA!
Today was a rough day for me...I really don't know that I want to go into too much detail, other than to say, we thought we were pregnant, and it turns out we were wrong. I know there are many of you that have been through this. You've seen this heartache and felt the void. So, you know where I am today. I'm sad. I'm sad that all the plans I was making in my head aren't going to happen just yet. I'm sad that I wasn't able to see a smile on my husbands face when he read the results. I'm sad that this room that I'm sitting in right now is still going to be called "the office" and not "the nursery." But, I'm OK. Not completely, but I will be. No, I don't want to talk about it. When I do, I cry. And I'm tired of crying. So, I've been doing what I do best...staying busy!
Jake is HOME! I love this. He is not going to be away from home anymore. Sure, he will still have to go out of town some. That is, after all, the nature of the oilfield. But, he is based in Longview. Shop days will be in Longview. He is home with me and that is a HUGE prayer that God has answered for us.
We have asked a lot of God this year and He has been so good to us.
He provided us with the ability to purchase my fabulous car!
We celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary!
We are the proud owners of a beautiful new home!
So, of course, since my timing is so much more perfect for me than His (insert sarcasm), now I say it's time for our baby to come. Of course, I know too well that it's so not about my timing. This is one part of my life that I don't get to control. It is all up to Him. So, that being said, we are praying. Actively. Begging some days, that we will be parents soon. We have a couple of appointments set. I'll share those when I feel like the time is right. It is our heart's desire to pursue the road that God wants us to travel down.
I'm asking you, our friends and family, to not only pray with us and for us that God will see it in His will to bless our home with our baby. We ask that you pray for us to have peace during the waiting process. And that we can find joy in knowing that He will not let us down. <3
As for us, for now, we are praising Him in this storm. Sometimes, it's more of a whisper than a shout. But we are trying...because every tear we've cried, He holds in His hands.
Here's a few more pictures to catch you up with our life: We have a new nephew born 12/23/12 named Sawyer James Riley! He is pictured here with my sweet daddy.
For starters, we are now HOME OWNERS!!! YAY!!! I am totally in love with our new home. We are still working on getting settled in but it is so much fun being able to do what we (I) want to the house. lol! Jake really doesn't care...he is happy with his recliner and his bathroom! HA!
Today was a rough day for me...I really don't know that I want to go into too much detail, other than to say, we thought we were pregnant, and it turns out we were wrong. I know there are many of you that have been through this. You've seen this heartache and felt the void. So, you know where I am today. I'm sad. I'm sad that all the plans I was making in my head aren't going to happen just yet. I'm sad that I wasn't able to see a smile on my husbands face when he read the results. I'm sad that this room that I'm sitting in right now is still going to be called "the office" and not "the nursery." But, I'm OK. Not completely, but I will be. No, I don't want to talk about it. When I do, I cry. And I'm tired of crying. So, I've been doing what I do best...staying busy!
Jake is HOME! I love this. He is not going to be away from home anymore. Sure, he will still have to go out of town some. That is, after all, the nature of the oilfield. But, he is based in Longview. Shop days will be in Longview. He is home with me and that is a HUGE prayer that God has answered for us.
We have asked a lot of God this year and He has been so good to us.
He provided us with the ability to purchase my fabulous car!
We celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary!
We are the proud owners of a beautiful new home!
So, of course, since my timing is so much more perfect for me than His (insert sarcasm), now I say it's time for our baby to come. Of course, I know too well that it's so not about my timing. This is one part of my life that I don't get to control. It is all up to Him. So, that being said, we are praying. Actively. Begging some days, that we will be parents soon. We have a couple of appointments set. I'll share those when I feel like the time is right. It is our heart's desire to pursue the road that God wants us to travel down.
I'm asking you, our friends and family, to not only pray with us and for us that God will see it in His will to bless our home with our baby. We ask that you pray for us to have peace during the waiting process. And that we can find joy in knowing that He will not let us down. <3
As for us, for now, we are praising Him in this storm. Sometimes, it's more of a whisper than a shout. But we are trying...because every tear we've cried, He holds in His hands.
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| I adore this picture. I adore this man. |
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| Uncle Jake and his boys |
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| Christmas Eve with my favorite boys Khaunor & Carlisle |
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| me & Khaunor |
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| Me and Sawyer...he was so tiny! |
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| Leighton bug :) |
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| Mom, Dustin & Sawyer |
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| Me & my baby daddy! |
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| part of a note he wrote me before leaving for a 2 week hitch. |
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| FaceTime with my Princess Leighton |
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| my boyfriend ;) |
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| I love this car! One of our Christmas pictures ;) This is Kelly Clarkson singing with Jason Aldean at the concert
Sound quality on this video isn't great but it was amazing live!!!
|
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| Sawyer and my Daddy |
Monday, September 3, 2012
How Great is Our God! Sing with me...
How great is our God, Sing with me! How Great is our God!
I love that song. It sums up how I feel right now...and every day these days, for that matter. I figured it was definitely time for an update...so here I am :)
To start with, Jake had back surgery on July 11. I will not lie to you...I was a complete and total nervous wreck the morning of his surgery. My mother and Jake's older brother were both there with me when they took him away to the operating room. I just kept stopping and looking back, watching them wheeling him away. I started to cry and I just whispered, "He's in your hands now, Lord. Please keep him safe." What seemed like 2 years, was actually only a couple of hours. The doctor called me on the waiting room phone to tell me that everything went perfect and he was in recovery and I could see him about an hour.
Ugh. More waiting...
Then, finally I was able to get to him and he was in a lot of pain. Now, let me tell you something. There is no worse feeling than seeing this solid rock of a man who is always so strong in such a weakened state. I had to suck it up and take over. I stayed beside him every second. I never left his side. We stayed one night in the hospital and they sent him home around noon the next day. I was SO glad...sleeping in the hospital is a joke. I was exhausted and just wanted to be home, with my husband.
His progress has been remarkable. Within a couple of days he was pain free and doing fantastic. He went back to light-duty at work 2 weeks later. Then, at the 6 week mark, he was released to full duty with no restrictions. His job required him to take a full DOT physical before returning, which he passed, might I add, with flying colors!
Meanwhile, my cupcake fundraiser has now turned into a full time, crazy-busy, completely fulfilling business! I have sold about a gazillion ( ok, not really, but you get the drift) cupcakes over the past month. I have so many orders right now for bridal showers, baby showers, bachelorette parties, kids birthdays! It is overwhelming and wonderful :) I LOVE IT! We are now in the process of searching for a place to be able to open a shop where I can sell cupcakes every day. I am actually going to look at 2 tomorrow, so I'm pretty excited about that! It is the best feeling to be able to do what you love and love what you do...and make money doing it! :)
As far as the fertility journey goes, we got some pretty fantastic news. We visited a different specialist in Frisco on August 25. I actually found him while doing research on the success rates of IVF clinics in TX. This clinic has the highest in TX. So, naturally, I wanted to see what his opinion was. I had all of my records sent to him from my local OB and the RE in Dallas that I have been seeing. I can honestly say this. When I walked into the office, I already felt more at peace than I have ever felt at the other place. Now, don't get me wrong. I am in NO WAY knocking the previous RE. I really like him. I'm not so crazy about some of the staff there, but that doesn't mean that they are not good. I just am not sure they are right for ME. We have prayed. A LOT. We asked God to lead us in the direction He has planned for us. We feel like this is the right one. Anyway, this particular RE at the new clinic was SO comforting. He informed me that I am NOT at risk of never being able to get pregnant and that he doesn't think that my only option is IVF. Now, he is not 100% sure that we won't have to resort to IVF eventually. But, he said that nowhere in my chart or my lab results does it indicate I cannot carry a child...the reason I'm not getting pregnant is because I'm not ovulating. Period. He said that is because I have PCOS. (Nobody has ever confirmed that for me. Nice to know...) Anyway, he said that most women with PCOS don't respond well to oral medication (i.e. clomid, femara). However, we do respond well ( sometimes too well) to injectible meds, such as Follistim. So, he recommended us going with that course of action first. He has a program in his office that provides intensive monitoring of my ovaries starting with the first day of my cycle. This will help him know how to adjust the medication if needed...whether it be to increase or decrease...so that we get perfect eggs. Then, when they are perfectly matured, they will give me a "booster shot" that will trigger the release of the egg, and at that point, will schedule an IUI in the office. This will get the swimmers closer to the egg so they won't have to look hard for it and will hopefully dig in and create a baby :) This procedure is about 20% of the cost of IVF. If we do have to go with later, (if this procedure doesn't work) then, their IVF cost is about 50% cheaper than the other clinic...and as I stated earlier, has about 19% better success rates.
Needless to say, we are super excited about this news! I don't feel so doomed...I don't feel so hopeless.
Jake has transferred to work in Odessa. He is still with the same company, but he will now have a 2 week on/1 week off schedule. So, we will have to coordinate the procedure with his schedule. We are going to wait a month or two to be sure of how things are going to go before we go ahead. I will keep you guys posted on that.
<3-Lori
I love that song. It sums up how I feel right now...and every day these days, for that matter. I figured it was definitely time for an update...so here I am :)
To start with, Jake had back surgery on July 11. I will not lie to you...I was a complete and total nervous wreck the morning of his surgery. My mother and Jake's older brother were both there with me when they took him away to the operating room. I just kept stopping and looking back, watching them wheeling him away. I started to cry and I just whispered, "He's in your hands now, Lord. Please keep him safe." What seemed like 2 years, was actually only a couple of hours. The doctor called me on the waiting room phone to tell me that everything went perfect and he was in recovery and I could see him about an hour.
Ugh. More waiting...
Then, finally I was able to get to him and he was in a lot of pain. Now, let me tell you something. There is no worse feeling than seeing this solid rock of a man who is always so strong in such a weakened state. I had to suck it up and take over. I stayed beside him every second. I never left his side. We stayed one night in the hospital and they sent him home around noon the next day. I was SO glad...sleeping in the hospital is a joke. I was exhausted and just wanted to be home, with my husband.
His progress has been remarkable. Within a couple of days he was pain free and doing fantastic. He went back to light-duty at work 2 weeks later. Then, at the 6 week mark, he was released to full duty with no restrictions. His job required him to take a full DOT physical before returning, which he passed, might I add, with flying colors!
Meanwhile, my cupcake fundraiser has now turned into a full time, crazy-busy, completely fulfilling business! I have sold about a gazillion ( ok, not really, but you get the drift) cupcakes over the past month. I have so many orders right now for bridal showers, baby showers, bachelorette parties, kids birthdays! It is overwhelming and wonderful :) I LOVE IT! We are now in the process of searching for a place to be able to open a shop where I can sell cupcakes every day. I am actually going to look at 2 tomorrow, so I'm pretty excited about that! It is the best feeling to be able to do what you love and love what you do...and make money doing it! :)
As far as the fertility journey goes, we got some pretty fantastic news. We visited a different specialist in Frisco on August 25. I actually found him while doing research on the success rates of IVF clinics in TX. This clinic has the highest in TX. So, naturally, I wanted to see what his opinion was. I had all of my records sent to him from my local OB and the RE in Dallas that I have been seeing. I can honestly say this. When I walked into the office, I already felt more at peace than I have ever felt at the other place. Now, don't get me wrong. I am in NO WAY knocking the previous RE. I really like him. I'm not so crazy about some of the staff there, but that doesn't mean that they are not good. I just am not sure they are right for ME. We have prayed. A LOT. We asked God to lead us in the direction He has planned for us. We feel like this is the right one. Anyway, this particular RE at the new clinic was SO comforting. He informed me that I am NOT at risk of never being able to get pregnant and that he doesn't think that my only option is IVF. Now, he is not 100% sure that we won't have to resort to IVF eventually. But, he said that nowhere in my chart or my lab results does it indicate I cannot carry a child...the reason I'm not getting pregnant is because I'm not ovulating. Period. He said that is because I have PCOS. (Nobody has ever confirmed that for me. Nice to know...) Anyway, he said that most women with PCOS don't respond well to oral medication (i.e. clomid, femara). However, we do respond well ( sometimes too well) to injectible meds, such as Follistim. So, he recommended us going with that course of action first. He has a program in his office that provides intensive monitoring of my ovaries starting with the first day of my cycle. This will help him know how to adjust the medication if needed...whether it be to increase or decrease...so that we get perfect eggs. Then, when they are perfectly matured, they will give me a "booster shot" that will trigger the release of the egg, and at that point, will schedule an IUI in the office. This will get the swimmers closer to the egg so they won't have to look hard for it and will hopefully dig in and create a baby :) This procedure is about 20% of the cost of IVF. If we do have to go with later, (if this procedure doesn't work) then, their IVF cost is about 50% cheaper than the other clinic...and as I stated earlier, has about 19% better success rates.
Needless to say, we are super excited about this news! I don't feel so doomed...I don't feel so hopeless.
Jake has transferred to work in Odessa. He is still with the same company, but he will now have a 2 week on/1 week off schedule. So, we will have to coordinate the procedure with his schedule. We are going to wait a month or two to be sure of how things are going to go before we go ahead. I will keep you guys posted on that.
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